"How is that going to make up for kissing her?" I ask gruffly, opening my eyes and looking outside.
Instantly, she turns into the little terror she’s always been. "Goddamn… Are you really that stupid, or are you just pretending? It’s not the kiss you should feel sorry for."
Confused, I shake my head, though she can’t see it. "Then what the hell are you talking about?"
"I’m talking about you trying to kick her out! That you told her to leave. What the fuck was that about?"
I have no strength to explain to her that Sophie cannot stay with me. That I don’t trust myself, and that she deserves way more than what I could ever give her. Because that would benothing. I can’t give her anything because I have nothing left to give. I’m empty. Hollowed out. Already dead inside. And Jules should know that better than anyone. After all, she’s the only person I haven’t been able to scare away and who knows my every mistake.
She sighs audibly when I don’t say anything back. "Cole… Stop it. I’m begging you, stop telling yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy. Because that’s bullshit."
Her voice is serious now, almost sad, which in turn makes me angrier because I can’t stand the thought of her being upset.
"I know how hard this is for you. But you have to stop. You’ve tortured yourself long enough, and I won’t allow it anymore. I won’t just stand by and watch you tear yourself apart."
"But Milena?—"
"Milena is dead, yes. And no one expects you to forget her or stop grieving for her. But you have to quit blaming yourself for her death. Youhaveto. Because if you don’t, you might as well lie down with her. And she wouldn’t want that. None of us wants that."
It’s not Jules’s unsparing words or the memories of Milena that make it hard for me to breathe. It’s the fact that she’s right. And I know it. Deep down, I’ve always known it, but I’ve given so much power to the pain and the sorrow for so long that I can’t escape them anymore. I got lost in the anger until I lost everything of myself because of it. And now I don’t even know who I am or what to do anymore.
"I don’t know how," I confess quietly, my voice rough with a rasp.
When Jules responds, I picture her face contorting in a pleading expression. "By allowing someone to get close to you. Stop pushing Sophie away. She doesn’t deserve that."
I let out a mocking laugh. "She doesn’t deserve someone like me."
A loudtskprecedes her next words. "When will it finally get through your birdbrain that you’re not as bad as you think? You’re not mommy-in-law’s darling; we all get that. But there’s not just black and white. And Sophie knows that. Not to mention that she sees you with no prejudice at all. She sees who you are, not who youthinkyou are. Besides, she can decide for herself whether you’re good enough for her or not."
I swallow against the tightness in my throat, forcing out an inarticulate, joyless laugh. "Dammit, Jules… When did you become such a fucking smart-ass?"
Instead of answering me, she gives me one last verbal slap. "Get your ass homeright fucking now, or I’ll get on the next plane and beat the shit out of you."
I merely sigh because it’s pointless to argue with her when she’s like this. Especially when she’s right.
"Fix this, Cole."
As I turn into the abandoned industrial area and approach the warehouse, I spot Sophie immediately. She’s standing in the open doorway, holding Buster’s leash with her arm stretched out as the dog sniffs at a tuft of weeds growing from the torn-up concrete ten feet away.
As soon as she hears the pickup, she lifts her head and looks in my direction. I know she can’t see me because of the reflection of the sky in the windshield, but still, it feels like she’s looking down to the bottom of my damned soul. Shortly after, I stop a few yards away from her, turn off the engine, and get out.
"You’re back," she says, toneless, after I slam the door behind me.
I nod, but I can’t quite bring myself to close the gap that separates me from her. Instead, I just stare at her, wondering what I should say or do.
Coming from Jules, it all sounded pretty damn easy, but it’s certainly not. I can’t help myself. I can’t just pretend that everything is fine. As if I don’t think this is all a fucking mistake. So I just stand there and look at Sophie as she looks back, while it kills me not to know what she’s thinking.
After what feels like minutes of neither of us saying a word, she blinks a few times before straightening her shoulders. "Are you going to leave again?"
"No."
"Do you still wantmeto leave?"
She says it in a calm, firm voice, but I can see the fear in her eyes and how afraid she is that I’ll make my words from the day before come true.
I force myself to shake my head. "No. I don’t."
Sophie tries to hide her relief, but she doesn’t quite manage it.
