Everything in me screams to get up and press her against me. Every single one of my cells longs for it, but I just can’t. Because I’ve already gone too far and taken more from her than I ever had any right to.
"To me, it meant a lot," she breathes. "To me, it meanteverything, and I wish you could see that. I wish you could see whatyoumean to me and that you’re not a bad person."
Her words are like punches, and they hit me in places only one person has ever been able to touch. They literally tear me apart and leave me with a feeling of complete helplessness because it can’t be like that. It can’t be that this kiss meant something to her. ThatImean something to her.
Because the truth is, she’s right. I lied. I didn’t fucking mean it.
I get up and take a few steps away from her because I can’t bear to look into her eyes anymore. I can’t stand the sadness in them. But above all, I can’t bear knowing her soft lips are so close because I don’t trust myself.
"I know about her," Sophie says quietly as I stop at one of the huge windows. "I know about Milena."
My heart stops beating while my muscles collectively tense. "How?" I ask with a mechanical tone, although I already know the answer.
"Jules told me."
"Then you also know that I killed her." The words are soaked with disdain, meant to make Sophie understand who she’s dealing with.
But instead of recognizing what I’ve done, she objects. "That’s not true. It was anaccident,Cole."
"It wasmyfault," I reply through gritted teeth, shaking my head and squeezing my eyes shut. Immediately, images of that night flash in my mind, intensifying the feeling that I need to protect Sophie. "I should never have let her get into that damn car. She’s dead because of me."
"She’s dead because something terrible happened," Sophie says softly. "I wish you could see that it’s not your fault. And that I am not her."
Something inside me shatters. I want to run away. I want to lash out and yell, to ram my fist into something hard, unyielding, and most of all, to get away from Sophie. Because she’s not going to leave. She’s going to stay, and I can’t let?—
Her arms wrap around me from behind, and I realize just now that my whole body is shaking like crazy. Then I feel her burying her face in the fabric of my shirt at my back and pressing herself against me. Holding on to me and…holding meas if she were actually trying to anchor me.
"I can’t," I choke out because this is all too much.
It’s too much to be reminded of Milena and to have stolen that kiss from Sophie. It’s too much that she’s still here and seems to want me. It’s too much to feel her this close to me, and it’s too little, and I can’t, I can’t,I can’t…
The warmth of her breath seeps through the fabric and reaches my skin as she continues in a whisper. "She died, but you didn’t. You’re still alive, Cole. And you… you mean something to me."
I tear myself away from her and run off again because I can’t stand being here for another second.
Sophie and me? That’s fucking impossible. We’re too different. She doesn’t belong in my world, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise or wish it were true. She deserves better. Anything, but not me.
Never me.
THIRTY
COLE
I’ve been driving around aimlessly for hours now, with Sophie’s face constantly in front of my eyes. With her voice in my ears. And with a turmoil in my heart that almost causes me physical pain.
Sophie must have talked to Jules again because she has already tried to call me seventeen times. I know exactly what she wants and that I’m a damn coward for ignoring her, but I need time. A few hours to myself to sort out my thoughts. But since I just can’t manage that, I pull over somewhere in the middle of nowhere and kill the engine.
I take my phone from the center console and dial Jules’s number because I can’t run away from her forever. Instead of greeting me, she immediately yells, but I’m already used to that from her.
"What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve been trying to reach you forhours.Where the fuck are you?"
Leaning my head back, I close my eyes. "No idea. Somewhere."
Jules makes an annoyed sound. "As soon as I’m done with you, you get your ass home and fix this, got it?"
I let the back of my head slam against the headrest before responding to her tirade. "How, Jules? How am I supposed tofix this?"
With a sigh and a slightly softer voice, she shows me that she has already gotten rid of most of her anger. "By finally stopping feeling sorry for yourself."
