I can literally picture it in front of me. I can see him sitting here, an empty bottle next to him, doing just nothing. The crystal-clear image causes a painful tugging in my chest.
"No matter what I said or did, he refused to even say your name. And then he just… disappeared." A deeply sad expression darkens her features. "I don’t know where he went, but he wasn’t with me anymore, Sophie. He was gone. Like he had… died. I’ve never seen him like that before. Not even after the accident."
It tightens my throat to hear all that. I can hardly bear to listen to her words because they stir up too much inside me. They make me sad and angry. I want to cry and scream and rage. Want to grab Cole by the shoulders and shake him. I want to ask him how he could do this to her—how he could do this toall of us—but he’s not here. There’s nothing I can do. Once again, I am completely helpless.
"One day, the bike was gone. I don’t know what he did with it, but I didn’t dare ask him about it either. And that was it. Every time I came here to check on him, he just sat there, staring into space as if he was waiting for his end to come. He barely talked, but he drank all the more. Iwantedto help him. I really did, Sophie, but as soon as I so much as mentioned you, he freaked out so badly that at some point, I didn’t dare anymore." Her voice gets quieter toward the end, making it clear how bad these last weeks must have been for her.
"You did everything you could." I reach for her hand.
"But it wasn’t enough," she chokes out. "It just wasn’t enough. He’d given up on himself, and I should’ve done something to stop it."
We sit in silence for a while as tears run down our cheeks.
Cole’s pain is almost palpable in the air around us. I hate myself for letting him send me away. I should have known it wasa lie and that he didn’t mean what he said that morning. But his words hurt so much that I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see his pain, nor could I tell that he was lying.
"What happens now?" I ask at one point, to which Jules sighs loudly.
"I don’t know," she replies, exhausted. "He won’t talk to me. Told me to sell everything, move in with my mom, and forget about him. He said goodbye to me. Can you believe that?" A mirthless laugh escapes her.
Yes, I can believe it. This is the Cole who can’t see that he deserves to be happy. The one who can’t see that he, too, deserves friendship, affection, and love. The Cole who thinks he’s not worth anything.
"They just have to believe me," I say. "They can’t lock him up if the victim doesn’t accuse him."
"Oh, you bet they can," Jules replies angrily. Then she finishes her second glass and reaches for Cole’s cigarettes, which he has left on the table.
I’ve never seen her smoke, but I guess it doesn’t matter right now. Maybe this is her way of being close to him. In fact, she coughs a few times, but I don’t say a word and just think about the fact that it smells even more like Cole now.
Cole, who’s gone.
Cole, who may not come back for a very long time.
FORTY-FIVE
COLE
"Mr. Walker… are you sure you want to do this?"
My lawyer looks at me with a serious expression as he tries to change my mind.Again. He acts as if I don’t realize that the plea bargain deal means I’m going straight to prison, and it really starts to piss me off.
"Yes, I am," I reply, holding his gaze.
"You get that by doing this, you forfeit your right to appeal?"
This time, I just nod because I’m damn tired of repeating myself. What am I? A fucking parrot?
He looks at me for a long time before audibly exhaling. "Why are you doing this?"
I lean back in my chair and return his gaze without blinking. "Have you seen her? Sophie?"
His brow furrows, but he nods. "I did. You know I wanted to hear her side of the story, too."
I tilt my head slightly to the side. "Think of her face. Remember every detail. Remember the purity, the innocence in those amber eyes of hers," I say quietly but firmly. "And then look at me. Think about the file you have in front of you and what I’ve told you. Think aboutall of it. And then ask yourself the question again."
He shakes his head slowly. "Whatever you think it is you have to prove, it’s wrong. What you’redoingis wrong."
"That’s not for you to decide," I reply sharply. "It’smylife. And I’ve already done enough damage."
"I’m going to ask you this one last time, Cole. Did you doanythingyou’ve been accused of?"
