“What do you mean?”
Romeo opened his eyes.“Those sleeping pills.”
Chad glanced to the unopened box on the side.“What about them?”
“You took them.Only four, but they made you ill.They made you unsteady and confused so I looked up the rarer side effects on my phone.They can make you suicidal.I think they fucked with your head.”
Chad swallowed.“You think those pills are the reason I-I—”
“Yes.Don’t you?”
“I’ve not even thought about it until now.”
“You weren’t well when we were away.You told me it was a bug you’d picked up from Ally, but there were moments where you looked lost, where you were restless, where it was clear you were distracted.I think that was part of it, a reaction to whatever is in them.”
A deep frown settled on Chad’s face.“Maybe...”
“Maybe?This makes sense, Chad.It explains why it came from nowhere.You weren’t feeling suicidal before them, because you would’ve told me, right?”
“Right,” Chad whispered, lowering his gaze.
“You haven’t been taking them since you were in hospital and you’re not feeling suicidal right now?”
“No, but—”
“It was those pills” Romeo breathed.“And I’ve been punishing you the whole time for something that wasn’t your fault, something you couldn’t control.They almost took you from me,” He blinked, letting the words settle in his chest.
He’d almost lost Chad.
“You ...you died.”Romeo murmured.“Your heart ...it stopped.”
Chad glanced down at his chest.“It did.”
“But you came back.”
Chad nodded.“Yes.I didn’t have much to do with that, it was—”
“You came back,” Romeo repeated.
There had been confusion, then worry, then anger, so much anger, and then this...Romeo didn’t know how to categorize it.Chad had died, maybe only for a few minutes, but he’d been gone.
“I’m still here,” Chad said softly.“I’m still ...yours.If you want me.”
“What do you remember?”
Chad lowered his gaze.“I don’t remember that day—”
“I’m not asking about that day.I’m asking about everything else.”
“I remember the barn,” Chad flicked his eyes up to meet Romeo.“I remember the magpie.I remember Marc Wilson, and Holly Stevenson and Dr Carter.I remember the compromise.I remember crossword puzzles and bad dad jokes, and great food.But I don’t remember how much I love you.”
The last sentence landed like a punch.Romeo didn’t say anything.He couldn’t say anything, and Chad continued.
“I’ve never needed to remember that.It’s something I know.It’s in here,” he touched his chest, “solid and true.Even if it terrifies me.”
“Why does it?”
“At first, because of who you are.Romeo Knight.The Countdown Killer.I’m in love with him, but then it was because you were Romeo, my Romeo, and you were angry, and I could see the hate in your eyes.I felt how much you wanted to kill me.And now, I’m terrified you won’t believe me when I tell you I love you.I’m terrified that if you ever say it to me again, I’ll hear the lie in your voice.I’m terrified I’ve ruined it all, I’ve ruined us.”
