I pick at my T-shirt.
She shakes her head and grabs my wrist.“Come on, we’ll raid my closet.My mom just sent a batch of new clothes from Rodeo Drive.”
I forgot how rich Reese’s Hollywood parents are.This should be interesting.
An hour later, I’m dressed in a black mini, a butterfly-style top, and five-inch heels, entering Big Billy’s.My old college town is small, but you’d be surprised how dressed up people get.The clothes I’m wearing are mild compared to the short, sequined ensembles blinding me.
Reese and I squeeze through to the packed bar.We order Purple Hooters and beers, and Reese lifts her shot glass.“Cheers!”
I gulp down the grape-flavored concoction, and chase it with beer that tastes like piss.There’s a special on tap and I’m trying to conserve money for graduate school.
We move to a booth and it isn’t long before Eric walks in.He’s dressed in faded jeans and his favorite vintage 2006 World Cup T-shirt with an open short-sleeved button-down.He’s surrounded by a group of friends.
I don’t feel the urge to run and hug him, which is what I would normally do.Yes, he’s been inattentive, to say the least.I’m not happy about that.I don’t like the limbo our relationship has been in, but I’ve been telling myself that my attraction to Jaeger is because I haven’t seen Eric.Well, I’m sitting here, staring at my boyfriend, and I don’t feel anything stronger than fondness.
What the hell?
Without the bond of school connecting Eric and me, it’s like there’s no anchor and nothing is left.Was our relationship really that shallow?
Reese stares at me from across the booth.She glances from me to Eric, but doesn’t say anything when I don’t go to him.In the meantime, Eric approaches the bar with his friends and immediately turns to a leggy blonde in dressy shorts that ride up her crotch, while his friends wait for their orders.
Eric leans in and touches the girl’s thigh.A sharp burn sears my gut.Eric’s not here to help a friend hook up, he’s flirting to score.He could have broken up with me at any point and moved on, if that was what he wanted.Instead, he dragged things out.
Suddenly, I’m not sure what we shared.I thought trust, at the very least, but this is bad.Is it worse than me flirting with Jaeger, though?I don’t know.I question everything—my actions, Eric’s actions—but after the effort I made to have this confrontation, the idea of walking up to Eric right now makes me want to hurl.I’d rather leave.
I don’t.
Eric and his friends take a booth a few tables over.He’s smiling at something one of his friends says as I approach.The friend sees me and elbows Eric in the arm.Eric lifts his head, the smile dying on his face.
My heart squeezes.Despite everything, I thought Eric cared for me.He seems shocked to see me, yes, but also annoyed.Like my presence has ruined his night, and that feels like shit.
This is not love or caring.I don’t deserve whatever this is.
Eric slides out of the booth and grabs my wrist.“Let’s talk outside.”
He’s walking too fast for me to keep up as we cross the bar.I yank my wrist from his hold, and he glares at me as though I’m being difficult.The bouncer at the door stamps our hands and we exit Big Billy’s.
Eric strides to a park bench at the far end of the block, as if he’s afraid someone will see us.He sits and waits for me to do the same.“What’s up?”The tone of his voice is curt.
“Seriously, Eric?I should ask you that question.”
He lets out a tense sigh, leans on his knees, and drops his head in his hands.“I’m sorry.I know I’ve been a jerk, not calling and all.It’s just—I meant to say something when I visited you in Tahoe… Fuck, Cali.”He looks up.“I chickened out.”
Does he think our relationship will fade into the ether like some fog, if he avoids me?Son of a bitch.I’m not leaving until he says it.“Well, I’m here.Spit it out, Eric.”
“I—I want to break up.”
“No shit?”I go heavy on the sarcasm, because what the hell?Any sort of confession the weekend he spent in Lake Tahoe would have been better than dragging things out for as long as he did.“And you thought avoiding me would be better than just saying so?A word of advice, Eric.Give the girl you’re dating a little respect and break up with herbeforeyou move on.”
“I haven’t,” he says quickly.“Moved on.Not really.I want to, though.”He looks down and sighs heavily.“Look, Cali, you’re leaving, and I’ll find a job and all, but you’re going to Harvard to become a lawyer.We’re just… different.I can’t see us together.”
All of a sudden, memories like missiles blast through my gray matter.Eric getting trashed and leaving me at a bar to find my way home.Eric, more times than I can count, putting his friends ahead of spending time with me.Eric never introducing me to his family.Why didn’t he introduce me to his family?There were always reasons to excuse his behavior—my friend would give me a ride home, or I had to study and couldn’t hang out anyway—but I was so focused and confident I never saw the truth.
Eric was a crappy boyfriend.
He and I shared good times, and he had his sweet moments, but this is some serious stuff I blocked, because of what?Arrogance?I was so confident I could make it work that I settled for a relationship that actually sucked.And it only took distance and an attractive ghost from my past to realize it.
What have I been doing?“Goodbye, Eric.”I start to walk away.
