“It’s not like that, or maybe it is.” I feel my brows furrow. “We have history.”
“He was strange around you,” she says, her eyes unfocused as if she’s thinking back. “I asked him about it once and he said he didn’t want to talk about it, which I of course translated to mean there was a lot to talk about. But I never would have thought it was…”
I’m tired of hiding the way I feel about Tyler, and I need Gen’s advice. For so long I had ironclad walls around my emotions. I finally let Tyler in, and he hurts me. Nothing good comes of a relationship where two people hurt each other. But how do I build up the walls once I’ve taken them down? Every feeling I’ve ever had for Tyler is exposed.
I grab a Red Vine and twist it in my fingers. “Tyler was my first.”
Gen sets her glass on the granite counter on a loud ping. “He was your first?”
“It’s been awkward living together.”
“Um, yeah. Why didn’t you say anything? We could have come up with a different living arrangement.”
“What could I say? ‘Sorry, Cali, I don’t want to live with your brother because I lost my virginity to him’?” I shake my head. “How do you tell that to someone’s sister?”
“I see your point.” She pushes my drink toward me, and I take a sip. “Obviously something happened. More than you guys being forced to live together. You’ve managed it so far these last couple of weeks without looking like someone ripped your heart out.”
I mentally flinch. I used to be so good at hiding my emotions. All that changed once Tyler returned to town.
“Living together, we’ve, uh, rekindled some things.”
I explain what it’s been like, the attraction between me and Tyler, him taking a job at Blue, the kiss in the copy room. And tonight. I give her the CliffsNotes rendition of the way Tyler left me after we had sex.
“Damn. I’m sorry, Mira.”
“What do I do, Gen? I care about him. I finally open up to the guy, and he does this. I’m not perfect, but I don’t deserve what he did.”
“No, you don’t. Never put up with someone treating you poorly. No matter who it is, or how much you care about him.”
Gen put the smackdown on Lewis when my relationship with him came between them. I might have been a tad needy of his time. And I might have pressured him to put me first. It sounds terrible when I admit it to myself now, but I was so scared I’d lose him. I still am, though giving Lewis space has proved that people stick around because they want to, not because they’re forced. You know, free will and all that. I’ve given Lewis space and he hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s still there for me.
I look up and sigh. “I’m trying to set boundaries when it comes to how people treat me, specifically my mom. She’s the only person I’ve allowed to hurt me, but now with Tyler…leaving me like that—it’s harsh.”
And plays on all my fears.
“What’s this about Tyler?” Lewis asks, surprising us from behind. We were huddled so close, I didn’t notice him walk up. He has an empty glass in his hand and he’s walking toward the sink. “Did he do something, Mira?” There’s an edge to Lewis’s tone.
I look at Gen, and she shrugs.
“Trust me, Lewis, you don’t want to know what’s going on with me and Tyler.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sensing something bad. If you don’t tell me, I’ll have to go over and pull it out of Tyler. Physically.”
“Ya see? This is why I didn’t say anything.” I pull my hair into a knot at the nape of my neck and slump my shoulders. “Tyler and I—we…Crap, Lewis. It’s such a long story. Tyler was my first. Back in high school.” Lewis’s eyes go wide, and there’s a tic at the side of his jaw. I’m talking fast, scrambling my words in an effort to peel off the Band-Aid. “It’s been, ehh, difficult living with him. We, ah, we?—”
Lewis holds up his hand and closes his eyes. “Stop. I don’t want to hear it. Just tell me one thing. Did he hurt you?”
“No. Not physically. It’s fine, Lewis. I just needed girlfriend advice.”
Lewis grabs the edge of the counter, the tips of his fingers going white. “Because if he’s not behaving himself, you need to tell me.”
Lewis is pretty mild-mannered, but when there’s a threat, he can be scary.
“It’s not like that,” I say. “We have a bit of a tumultuous past. I thought we’d overcome it, but obviously I was wrong.”
Only that doesn’t seem right, either. Tyler has looked out for me—he’s grumbled about it, of course—but he’s been there. I don’t understand why he left tonight, but I’m not going to try and figure it out. He did, and it was cruel.
“Well, he needs to behave. I don’t care what you did, if he hurts you?—”
