A wide grin spreads across my face as I snuggle into his neck and chest. I missed out on so much the last time we were together, too scared and worried about the feelings he’d evoked that night. But not this time. This time, I want to bask in what we just shared.
And I can’t wait to do this again. With an orgasm, because that was awesome. I didn’t know what I was missing.
I’m in a lulled state of happiness when I sense a shift. Tyler’s body hasn’t moved, but something has changed. And then he does move.
He sits up, his eyes flickering to me, without holding. “You okay?”
He said those same words after we had sex in high school, except this time, I really am okay.
“Yeah. You?” I smile, but Tyler’s expression is blank.
“I’m good, just hungry. Can I get you anything?”
I sit up, because he rolled off me and I really don’t want him to leave. I pull a sheet to my chest, not hiding the confusion on my face. “Um, okay.”
“Cool. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich?”
I nod, but something isn’t right.
Tyler ties off the condom and puts on his clothes. All his clothes. As if he’s not returning to bed. A fist clenches my chest, but I don’t say anything. I am frozen in fear.
Please don’t leave.
He climbs down the loft ladder and I hear him rustling around in the kitchen, opening the fridge, the cupboards. I chew nervously on my thumbnail, listening. After a couple of minutes, he climbs back up and sets a plate with a sandwich and a glass of milk by the bed. He remains on the ladder, running a hand through his thick, dark hair.
“Mira, I’ve gotta go. I made plans. I wasn’t expecting…Anyway, my friend is waiting for me.”
I look away, sucking in a breath to hold back the well of tears behind my eyes. Why is he doing this? Why?
“Sorry, I know it’s bad timing. I’ll see you later, though, okay?”
I don’t answer. I don’t look at him. I won’t tell him it’s okay, when it’s not. And he damn well knows it. I can hear it in his voice.
I listen to the sound of him climbing down the ladder. The closing of the front door is what sends the choking in my chest to the surface.
The largest tears I’ve ever shed drop to my cheeks. I curl into a ball on the bed, hiding my face in Tyler’s pillow, smelling him, loving him, and hating him at the same time.
After all we’ve been through, why would he do this?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tyler
As soon as Mira and I had sex, the cloud muddling my head these last few months whooshed through my body and out my pores, forcing every emotion I’ve stifled to the forefront, along with my reasons for suppressing them. Why I’m here in Lake Tahoe. Why I quit my community college teaching position and hightailed it out of Colorado.
Because I’m a fucked-up mess.
I couldn’t love Anna. I haven’t been able to love anyone.
Anna deserved more. She was sweet and gentle. I cared about her more than any girl I’d been with these last few years. I thought I’d never love any woman again. That I was incapable. Anna was good for me, and I told myself I could make her happy. It was ludicrous to get engaged, but I needed to move on, even if I hadn’t realized at the time what I was moving on from.
All those emotions I thought myself incapable of came pouring out this evening with Mira. Love, anger, lust.
Why did I return to Lake Tahoe? I can’t even remember my reasoning. I have buddies all over the country from my years at university. I could have stayed with any one of them, but I came home. To a place that isn’t even my home, now that my mom has moved to Carson City.
It’s frightening to imagine I subconsciously returned for Mira. And yet, when we made love—’cause there’s no other way to describe what happened—and these last few weeks…the tension between us…fuck.
I came for her.
