“Cole—”
“No, let me finish,” I cut him off, needing to get it all out now that the dam had broken. “When you left, I thought maybe it would go away. I figured it was a teenage phase, something that I could bury it so deep it would never see the light of day. And for a while, it worked. I tried to date women. I tried to be normal. To be the son my father wanted.”
Jesse’s hand moved to my shoulder, his touch gentle.
“But then you came back,” I continued, my voice cracking slightly. “And it all came rushing back. Stronger than ever. And I... I couldn’t fight it anymore. Not when you were right there, in my house, walking around half-naked and looking at me with thosebeautifuleyes.”
The water ran down my face, mingling with what might have been tears. I couldn’t tell anymore. My chest felt tight, like something was trying to claw its way out after being caged for too long.
“I hate myself for wanting you,” I whispered, the words raw and painful. “I hate that I can’t control it. That I’m weak. That I’m exactly what those assholes in town would call me if they knew.”
Jesse’s hands framed my face, his thumbs brushing over my cheekbones. “You’re not weak, Cole. You’re the strongest person I know.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Strong? I just bent my stepbrother over our father’s desk and fucked him. That’s not strength. That’s... that’s...”
“That’s desire,” Jesse finished for me. “That’s connection. That’s two adults who want each other.”
“It’s wrong,” I insisted, but even to my own ears, the protest sounded hollow.
“Why?” Jesse challenged, his eyes never leaving mine. “Because we grew up in the same house? Because we shared alast name for a few years? We’re not blood, Cole. We never were. How many times do I have to say it?”
“It’s not just that,” I admitted, my voice breaking. “It’s... it’s everything. What would people say? What would happen to the ranch if anyone found out?”
“Fuck what people would say,” Jesse shot back, his grip on my face tightening slightly. “And fuck their opinions. This ranch is ours, not theirs.”
I closed my eyes, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze. “I don’t know how to do this, Jesse. I don’t know how to want you and not hate myself for it.”
“Then let me help you,” he said softly, his forehead coming to rest against mine. “Let me show you that it’s okay to want what you want. That you deserve to be happy.”
“Happy,” I repeated, the word feeling foreign on my tongue. “I don’t even know what that means anymore.”
Jesse’s hands slid down to my shoulders, then my chest, coming to rest over my pounding heart. “It means not fighting this anymore. It means accepting that whatever this is between us is clearly not going away.”
The water continued to cascade over us, steam rising around our bodies like a protective cocoon. In that moment, with Jesse’s skin against mine and his words filling my ears, I felt something shift inside me. A loosening of the chains I’d wrapped around my heart for so long.
“I’m scared,” I admitted, the confession tearing from somewhere deep inside me. My breath hitched. “I’m so fucking scared, Jesse.”
“Of what?”
“Of everything,” I said, my voice barely audible over the shower. “Of wanting you. Of losing you. Of what happens when you eventually leave again.”
“I’m not going to leave, Cole,” he whispered, his forehead pressed against mine. “Not if you want me to stay.”
“What about when you die?”
The question flew out of me before I could stop it. Jesse’s eyes snapped open, a sudden rush of understanding washing over his expression.
“Is… Is that what this is really all about?” he asked so softly I almost didn’t hear him.
I couldn’t respond right away. Jesse had cut straight through to the heart of everything I’d been avoiding. It wasn’t just about being stepbrothers or what people might think. It was about loss. About pain.
“Everyone leaves eventually,” I finally managed, my voice rough. “My mom died. Your mom died. Then you left. Then Dad...” I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to speak. “I can’t do it again, Jesse. I can’t let myself care about you just to lose you too.”
Jesse’s eyes softened, and I saw something there I hadn’t expected. Understanding. Deep and profound understanding.
“So you push people away before they can leave you,” he said quietly. “You’ve been doing it your whole life, haven’t you?”
I looked away, unable to hold his gaze. The water beat down on my shoulders, suddenly feeling too hot, too close.
