Little did I know that the last person I wanted to see would be waiting outside when I finished.
Chapter 14
Brian
"...and then we got two boxes of donated books. All different genres. We had five copies ofThe Da Vinci Code,which is great because those sell like hot cakes."
I gave Diane a polite chuckle as the steak in my mouth turned to ash. My appetite vanished, and I set my fork and knife down before gulping down my soda. Diane's ramblings drifted further from my mind until I tuned her out completely.
Her mentioningThe Da Vinci Codereminded me of Da Vinci's Grove. Which, of course, reminded me of Maria. And, of course, reminded me of the shit show I made of our burgeoning relationship during dinner. Recalling my words and seeing Maria's face shutter down sliced sharp knives of shame down my gut.
A part of me wished Sarah had never found those letters and took it upon herself to hand them to me. But then the guiltstarted again, and I berated myself for daring not to be grateful at having another piece of Hannah with me.
I loved reading through her memories of us, things I hadn't thought about in years. How could I forget the first time I cooked for her and ended up having her apartment building evacuated? Or our first vacation together to Las Vegas? The moment we took that road trip to Chicago and ended up at a tailgate party for the Bears? All important snapshots of our short life together, now stuck in the back recesses of my mind. The details grainy, yet the emotions vivid.
Sarah and I ended up talking about Hannah's letters for most of the night. We ordered in and continued reminiscing until I called it a night before it got too late.
Memories of Hannah assailed me, and I went to sleep thinking about her blonde hair and soft brown eyes. But as soon as I drifted to sleep, it wasn't my wife's features I dreamed of; it was of striking blue eyes and dark chocolate hair.
I woke up delirious and my conscience eating at me. I felt even worse when I realized I’d forgotten to ring Maria.
Maria.
Fuck, it felt so good being with her and knowing that I could possibly find happiness again. But should I be thinking about another woman so muchthissoon? After just one meeting and two dates?
It felt fast, but the thought of giving Maria up made me want to punch something.
So, instead of setting her free, I offered her something entirely beneath her. It was a fucking insult. I knew it before I said it; I knew it while it was coming out of my mouth, and I fucking knew it afterward when I was tripping over my feet to stop her from leaving. I couldn't help it. I wasn't ready for the emotions attached to being with Maria. But I still wanted to keep her.
Fuck, I'm surprised she didn't throw a drink in my face.
I tried calling and texting her. To say what? I didn't know. To apologize. To tell her how stupid I was. How it all came out wrong.
After blowing up her phone for a few days, I realized she was done with me. I didn't want her to think I was harassing her, so I had no choice but to let it go.
Let her go.
If only I could get her out of my head.
"I'm so glad work has eased up for you, Brian," Diane remarked, drawing me out of my musings.
I re-focused on her and smiled as she patted my hand. I kept up my weekly dinners with Diane and Sarah, sometimes twice a week. We weren't at Diane's house tonight, though. It was her birthday, and I was treating her and Sarah to an early dinner in town.
Sarah nodded her agreement. "You work too hard. Not that that's a bad thing," she quickly added, "but it's been nice having you over for dinner again."
"Yeah, well, I have a few easy jobs lined up now, so I should be free more often." It would've been better to have that free time for Maria, but there was little I could do about that now.
Idiot.
"I still gotta take my boys out for a drink to celebrate the end of that Yannis job. They deserve it."
"They're good boys," Diane echoed. She regularly sent baked goods to my job sites if she knew we would be based somewhere for an extended period. "And I'm glad you've got a good bunch of friends here, so you're not so lonely."
"He has us," Sarah piped in.
"Yes, and we're very lucky to have him, dear." She turned to me again with a small smile. Her expression was hesitant, and she seemed to be debating her next words.
"I just hope you're not...lonelyin other ways."
