I’m the birds we used to feed in Central Park. I’m the butterflies that used to land in our balcony garden. I’m the grains of sand that we used to dig our toes into on ConeyIsland. I’m in our moments together and in your memories. And I’ll live there for however long you let me.
Goodbye, my love. Being your wife has been my greatest joy.
Your Hans xoxo
Chapter 44
Maria
What were the chances that the girl who bullied me and the girl who I tortured with my newfound popularity was Brian's sister-in-law? The universe was clearly not on my side because it all seemed like such a cruel joke.
There were many things in life I felt terrible about, things I'd done that I regretted. The men I let use me; yes. Allowing Simon to be in my life for so long, being a snippy bitch at Eden and Barron's engagement party, trusting Lissa when she'd shown her true colors to me multiple times, keeping Linda at arm's length for so long instead of leaning into the friendship she had offered me numerous times. Not seeking therapy sooner.
But the one thing I struggled to feel bad about was the retaliation I dished out on Sarah all those years ago. I'd tried really hard to scrounge up some sort of sympathy, even following Dr. Anna's advice by putting myself in her shoes. How would I feel if my peers had excluded me during the formativeyears of my life? How would I feel if I'd walked in on my boyfriend with my bully? I'd spent no more than an hour really marinating those questions.
But all I could think was one thing: That girl had made me feel lower than dirt when I was already there to start with. I'd been on the poverty line, I had an abusive mom and no dad, and I was surrounded by a constant stream of grown men who thought they could touch on me when my mom passed out. School was supposed to be my safe space, but the dread I felt every morning when I reached those school gates used to give me anxiety attacks. I stressed and worried about what Sarah would do to me that day, what she would say. It affected me emotionally and physically that I used to wake up with an ache in my stomach that had nothing to do with it being empty.
So when Lissa welcomed me into her exclusive circle, Sarah lost her spot as Queen Bee. She was on the outskirts for once, begging to be let in. Oh, she'd tried to play nice with me without acknowledging the shit she put me through. But to be honest, even if she'd given me a genuine apology, the way I felt at that stage—filled with so much rage—I probably would've scoffed at her attempt to make amends.
I’d made it my mission to pay her back in kind. A rumor spread here, a cackle over her clothing of choice there. Yeah, I was a complete bitch to her, and I'd reveled in the change of power. Fooling around with Sarah's boyfriend was the worst thing I'd done to her, and it was also the moment I decided to back off. The whole thing had felt icky, not at all victorious like I'd thought I'd feel. Daniel's unconcerned behavior and Lissa bringing those boys to watch had brought the guillotine down on any fun I thought I'd feel. I may have even felt a smidgen of sympathy for her. Barely an inch. It was kind of embarrassing that it took virtually no effort from my end for Daniel to cave.
It hadn't mattered anyway because Sarah ended up changing schools. I remembered, at the time, thinking how nice it was to have the luxury of moving schools at the slightest inconvenience. I would've loved to have a mom who cared enough to move me to a safe space. But that meant my mom had to be sober enough to agree to the change, plus there was the added time to get myself across town to the closest school.
After high school, I rarely encountered Sarah in public. In fact, I couldn't recall the last time we'd crossed paths. I'd put her and the whole sorry mess to the back of my mind. That is, until I started seeing Dr. Anna, who forced me to confront the painful threads of my youth.
I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't feel guilty about what happened with Sarah. I was slightly relieved when Dr. Anna assured me that it didn't make me a bad person—just human.
I felt terrible about it now, knowing her connection to Brian. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, especially after what he'd been through. I knew how much it hurt him to be estranged from his family, so knowing that his girlfriend had done something truly terrible to one of them must've been an enormous shock.
When I'd left Brian's place, a part of me wished he'd stopped me. I could see the torment in his eyes. He'd been caught off guard—-we all had—-but I knew he was stuck in a tough position, caught between two people he cared about. Sarah's line about Hannah disapproving of me hit the raw nerve she'd hoped for. I'd seen it when his face paled, and he unwittingly stepped back.
That was it, I'd thought; that was the first nail in the coffin of our relationship.
My reasonable side knew that the best way to diffuse the situation was to take myself out of it. Sarah had been rantingand raving outside Brian's house, and I'd spied a neighbor across the street twitching their curtain to watch. I couldn't do more than place my trust in Brian; trust that he would remember the promises we'd made to each other when we decided to be exclusive.
Communicate.
I checked my phone, hoping to see another message from Brian. That had been his saving grace in all of this.
Communication.
On the short drive home, I'd gone through a myriad of scenarios. The way Sarah was behaving, and from what I knew of her as Brian's sister-in-law, she was still a manipulative bitch. I pictured Brian promising his sister-in-law that he'd never see me again. His mother-in-law would get involved, and the whole thing would blow up in my face without me being able to tell him my side.
But when I arrived home, there was a message waiting for me from Brian.
Brian:Hey, baby. Are you okay? I'm so sorry about all this. As you can imagine, this has all come as a complete shock. I'm coming over tonight, but I need to see Diane first. See you soon xo
I was so relieved I almost burst into tears. Even if Brian was coming over here to end things, I was at least grateful he communicated with me and hadn't given me complete radio silence.
Why did he need to see Diane so badly? Maybe the three of them needed to discuss what happened and whether Brian should keep seeing me.
I was sure Sarah's mom remembered me. It wasn't often you got called into your child's school because someone had kicked and shoved your kid into the mud. Even if she deserved it. I could still recall Diane's glare as she tucked her daughter protectively under her arm. I'd sat there with a straight back, and my head held high. It was so long ago, but I could still recall the defiance I felt. The red-hot fury that, out of all the shit Sarah pulled on me,Iwas the one getting called out for the one time I fought back. I refused to apologize.
Yeah, that was now coming back to bite me in the ass.
It was now close to 8 PM, and I was about to hyperventilate from the stress of it all. I still held out hope that Brian would come by, but as the minutes ticked away, that hope started to dwindle.
The knock came at half past, and I rushed to answer, my anxiety now at an elevated level. Brian's hair was disheveled, and my breath caught at the sadness etched in his features. His eyes were red-rimmed.
