When I didn't elaborate, Maria tilted her head. "Date night?"
My mouth curved at her question. She was starting to probe me a bit instead of giving me one-word answers. I also liked that she didn't shy away from asking uncomfortable questions. Anyone else might've quickly deviated from any mention ofa previous dalliance. Not Maria. I found her honesty and inquisitiveness refreshing.
It wasn't a dalliance that had brought me here, though. "Hannah and I came here once for our anniversary. Not our wedding, just our first date. She liked to celebrate those kinds of things."
"And you indulged." She smiled, not at all put out. "That's sweet of you."
I shrugged. I never understood when men complained about their wives or girlfriends planning date nights or nagging them to take them somewhere new. You got to spend time with your girl, making her happy. What was there to complain about?
"Have you been here before?"
Her silky hair moved as she shook her head. She took another sip of her wine and observed me over the rim. "Can I ask you a question?"
Her abrupt change in subject didn’t surprise me. Maria tended to keep her personal life close to her chest. She'd been like that during the brief time we'd dated, although she'd been a lot more forthcoming than she was now.
I wiped my fingers on the linen napkin. "Of course," I invited. Anything Maria wanted to know, I would try and be an open book.
"Do you ever see yourself entering into another serious relationship?" She shook her head and placed her glass back down. "I'm sorry if that's a heavy question, but considering you've gone to great lengths to see me again, I was curious what your end game is."
A momentary unease swam through my stomach before it dissipated. It would always be an uncomfortable journey to navigate a romantic life after my marriage. It was something I was still trying to get used to. All I knew was that I’d never feltmore ready to start exploring that than with the woman sitting across from me.
Taking a chance, I reached across and grasped Maria's hand. It was so small and precious in mine, fitting me like a comfortable glove. I braced myself for disappointment, but thankfully, she didn't pull away. Sparks shot up my wrist, and the hitch in her breath told me she wasn't unaffected.
"I know you probably think that I only started grief therapy because you told me to. But honestly? It was something I needed to do for a long time. Diane—my mother-in-law—saw that, too. She gave me a therapist's number a few months after Hannah died. But I threw it away."
"You have to be ready for it," Maria nodded, her hand curling beneath mine.
"Instead of seeking help, I closed myself off and made choices that weren't so great in the long run."
One day, when she was ready, I'd tell her about it—although she might have already guessed with Sofia. She wasn't aware, though, that Sofia was part of a long line of bandaids. I didn't want to scare Maria off, plus I was still a work in progress; learning new things about myself through Dr. Grant's help.
"I can understand that." Her husky voice was steeped in some indiscernible emotion. Her eyes dropped from mine, and her hand slipped back under the table. I instantly missed her warmth but kept my hand on the table in the off chance she would place it back in it again.
"I will say that I was considering entering the dating scene not long before I met you. I think…the emotions I felt for you were so strong that it scared me off, and I reacted like a shithead."
Understatement of the fucking year. Her mouth twisted as a flicker of remembered hurt swirled in her gaze. My fingers curled against the white fabric of the tablecloth, itching to feelher touch again, if only to soothe her. "I thought I meant them at the time, but I quickly realized how wrong I'd been."
I spent months regretting my words and actions as I frantically attempted to guide myself through the rollercoaster of feelings I was experiencing.
Maria's plump lips rolled in as she nodded thoughtfully. "I have to be upfront with you again, Brian. If we do this, likereallydate, my previous conditions remain the same."
Her chest rose as her eyes met mine. "I'm dating towards the idea that it will lead to something serious." She paused again as she searched my face, seeking any sign of hesitancy to her words. "Is that something you're also on the same page with? It doesn't mean that we'll end up serious, but I would like the opportunity to get to know you better to make that decision."
Though soft in tone, her words held a weight of meaning behind them. She was only in the market for a long-term relationship. That was clear. We had discussed it when we'd been seeing each other—when I also assured her that I was after the same thing.
Another thought hit me. Was she still planning on remaining celibate?
Surprisingly, if that condition was still part of her terms, it didn't bother me in the slightest. I was looking forward to getting to know Maria better without the added sensory of sex. I was convinced we were compatible emotionally and spiritually, and all the rest would fall into place.
"When I agreed with you before, I was so sure that I was ready. Clearly, I wasn't," I shook my head as memories of my carelessness came to the forefront. "This time around, I'm one hundred percent certain that I'm all in this with you. We can go as fast or as slow as you want."
Maria shook her head, and my heart sank. "I'm not the only one in this, Brian," she countered. "I'm not the only one dealingwith heavy shit. You're also entering into new territory, so I want to be sensitive to your triggers. Please don't only consider my feelings in this. Yours are important, too, and for this to potentially work, I'd like us to communicate openly and honestly with each other about where we're at."
My bruised heart opened like a pressure valve at her generosity and compassion. She was truly incredible, and I wanted to kick my own ass for almost losing her. As fucked up as it sounded, I was thankful to Simon and Sofia for creating a pathway back to Maria. If we hadn't had that blow-up, I wouldn't be sitting here, receiving another chance with her.
She was right, though. I was still working on myself and coming to terms with losing Hannah, as well as everything that occurred after her death. That didn't mean my developing feelings for Maria weren't strong and important to me.
I was also curious to know what "shit" she was currently dealing with. I already knew her parents were a sore spot with her, considering she brushed over the topic whenever I brought it up. I also knew nothing about her childhood and what she'd been like growing up. I had a feeling that Maria's issues ran deep and had scarred her more than she let on. I wanted to know everything about her and hoped she would allow me the time to do so.
