The wind picks up my skirt, and I will it to blow me in the right direction, to help me make that decision.
And yet pushing this door open, even just to look, wouldbethe decision.
And then, as I look up to the clear night sky, I see the fullest full moon and the brightest stars I’ve ever seen. The night-sky light is trailing down to me, making a path on the damp cobbled road in front of me. It glistens and shimmers silver and beautiful. It is leading me away. I follow its trail and find myself heading back toward Sandhill Way. Back home. To Ash.
I run.
42
When I returnto the party, it’s heaving, and the first person I see is Mum standing at the BBQ chatting to Jackie.
“Mum!” I shout as I rush back toward her, looking over her shoulder for Ash as I hug her, without stopping to think about whether I should or not. She pulls back and beams at me. I realize I cannot run to find Ash now. I’m going to have to get Mum settled before I find him.
“Where’s Dad?” I say breathlessly.
“He’s looking for a spot to park,” she says. “I’m sorry we’re so late, we were hoping to catch the sunset.”
“He can park at the church,” I say, pulling my phone out of my pocket and calling him right away to let him know. When I’m done, I look back at my mum.
“Thanks for coming,” I say.
“Can you show me the house? I told Jackie here I wouldn’t go in until you were back. Where have you been anyway?”
“I just went to...” I pause for a moment. “Finish something off that I’ve been working on.”
I motion her inside, smiling at Samira as I do, who clutches a hand to her heart in relief as she realizes that I didn’t see Joe. I look across at Ryan. Then at Lynn. And then I turn to Mum. “I have no idea where to start, Mum.”
“Everything looks very freshly painted,” she says, just as my dad arrives rolling two enormous suitcases. I glance down at them, trying not to smile.
“You know your mother. Every single weather or occasion eventuality has been planned for,” he says, kissing me on the cheek. “Thanks for the invite, love.”
I show them around the kitchen and the living area, and then into my room.
“Gosh, Mara,” Mum says, marveling, “everything looks so grown-up.”
I open my wardrobe and wave at the hanging contents. “Yes, look, Mum, no black. Well, minimal. Listen, I have to do something really quickly, so why don’t you settle and I’ll be back. Then I can introduce you to my co-workers, and Ash is here, of course, and get you a drink.”
“Go on,” my mum says, waving me out of the room.
“I’m sorry, Mum,” I say to her, just as I slip out of the room and close the door. She waves at me again, as if it’s nothing.
There are people spilling out onto the street in groups, beers everywhere, smokers’ circles; somebody is doing the splits on my lounge room floor. It feels like half of Broadgate is here to celebrate our flat warming. I push through the sea of people to find Ash.
I feel complete. This is what balance is all about. I have fixed every major thing in my life I could, and now the one has revealed himself to me. And that one is Ash.
When I can’t find him anywhere in the main house, I wander through the little hall to his room, where I find the door closed. I knock on it gently and hear a craggy voice.
“Yes?”
I push open the door and find Ash sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks up at me and smiles weakly.
My heart breaks. I take a deep breath.
“I’ve been an absolute asshole,” I say.
He doesn’t reply, just looks sad. “Well, you’re back already. I hope that’s a good sign.”
“I’m sorry I went. It just felt like after everything I should just see,” I say.
