Ash shrugs. “I know.”
“I didn’t go in.”
“You didn’t?”
“I didn’t.”
“You don’t know if he’s there or not?”
“I don’t.”
Someone turns up the stereo and it sounds like a bit of a dance party is underway now, and I look from the door back to Ash, closing it gently.
“Can I tell you something?” I say, leaning back against the door, looking across at him sitting heavy on the end of his bed.
“Sure,” he says.
“I’m nervous of this,” I say. “Of you. Of us.”
“Nervous? Of course,” he says, looking up at me. “So am I.”
“Really?” I say, trying to smile.
Ash looks sideways to the bed next to him, encouraging me to join him.
“I’m sorry,” he says, as I take a seat.
“I’m desperate to figure out how to trust myself,” I say, looking down at my hands and feeling tears threatening. “I just have such a low belief that I know what is good for me. For so long, I didn’t understand how people can listen to their intuition. Or trust their instincts. Or rely on their gut. It felt unfathomable to me. I feel like my ‘instincts’ are a constant knot of worry and anxiety.”
He nods. “I know.”
“And then, behind all that worry, there is a stronger force driving my indecision. It’s the fact that I honestly don’t know if I deserve this.”
Ash puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in for a squeeze, and I rest my head on his chest.
“I’m sorry I went to the pub. I’m sorry I did. But I didn’t go in because I finally felt, with absolute clarity, that I knew what I wanted.”
Ash doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “I’m a mess, Ash. But I want this with you. Can you work with that?Anyof that?”
“I always could,” he says. “You make the mistake of thinking you’re hiding all of this, but, Mara, you’re an open book. You wear everything on your sleeve. It’s the nicest thing about you. Kate was such a mystery to me. Everything would be fine and then out of nowhere there would be a list of charges as long as my arm of things I’d done, not done, said, not said, worn, drank. It was exhausting. With you, there is no chance of that. Even when you’re lying, it’s clear.”
“I have been trying to cultivate more mystery, but clearly failing.” I laugh, and he does too. “Samira is right. Everyone’s a mess.”
“That’s for sure.” He kisses me on the forehead. “When I said I adored you, I really meant it.”
“Ash. I adore you too. I really, truly do. This is what I want.”
“How do you know?”
“I don’t have to try to believe in it,” I say, sighing. “I don’t have to hope. I don’t have to have faith. I don’t need to do anything. It just is.”
“It is,” he agrees.
“I’ve never felt so sure of anything,” I say.
“Well, Mara. To be fair, that wouldn’t be hard,” he says, smiling now. “Come on. Let’s go get a drink.”
•••
