He shrugged and swallowed. “I feel a lot of things. Pissed off that you got into a car without realizing it wasn’t your Uber.” That was fair. I was pissed at myself about that. “Still lingering terror that I almost lost you. Confusion because I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel happy that you’re walking or sad that you’ll never walk the same again.”
I couldn’t give him an answer to that one. Sometimes it was one. Sometimes it was the other. Sometimes—most days, actually—it was both.
“I’m angry at myself for not realizing I was smothering you and annoyed with you for not telling me.”
“That’s on me.”
“I know,” he snapped, then stopped himself. “I’m happy that you’re not letting anything ruin you. Not the accident, not Raleigh being a total shit-stain. Not the music industry for being soul-sucking.”
I laughed. “Yeah. That sums it up.”
He met my gaze. “I’m terrified that you’re getting into a bad situation because the man who kept you from slipping away is hot and into you. I’m scared that he’s got some secret bad side and he’s going to break you worse than Raleigh did.”
“Raleigh didn’t break me, and it’s upsetting you think he did. I made my choices, but I knew what I was doing. I knew who he was. I made a bad decision the night of the accident because I’d been really lost, but I hadn’t realized how many people were on my side. I was riding a high and…I don’t know. I didn’t think.”
“I get it.”
“I’m not sure you do,” I told him. “But that’s okay.” Passing a hand down my face, I let out a sigh. “I don’t know Ryan as well as I probably should before getting so deep into my feelings, but he’s a good person. I never thought that about Raleigh. He was never good to me, and deep down, I knew he wasn’t really worth saving. So I understand why you’re afraid about Ryan.”
Tollin bowed his head, nodding. “Gracie feels the same way about you, you know. She grilled me for hours today on whether or not she could trust you not to hurt her best friend. I don’t think she’s the kind of person who would go to blows for a bad guy.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“There isn’t one,” Tollin said. “I guess I needed to say all this so I felt a little less guilty about staying silent all these years. I think Ryan is worth the risk. And I know you want me to go. I know I shouldn’t be here, so I’ll be taking off as soon as I can.”
“I don’t want you to stay,” I said after a second, “but I’m glad you came. All of you. I’m not sure how Ryan feels about all of usbeing, you know, family. But I like the idea of it. I like the idea that next year, this could be something for all of us.” Licking my lips, I took a fortifying breath. “I think New Year’s Eve is always going to be hard for me. I’m not sure if I want to remember or forget. I didn’t think I’d be walking on the anniversary of my accident, so that’s something, but it doesn’t make the memories of the last year any easier to deal with.”
“Yeah,” he breathed out.
“I didn’t think I’d ever find Ryan again either. I still don’t believe in fate, but I think I believe in him. In us.”
“So you want this to be something? Between you two?”
“If he’ll have me,” I answered.
Tollin laughed. “Are you joking?”
I stared at him. “No.”
“Atlas, fuck’s sake. That man is so fucking in love with you it’s ridiculous.”
“Please don’t?—”
“I’m sorry, but no,” Tollin said, shaking his head. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’re feeling insecure. I just want to make sure that you two are sure about this. That you’re ready.”
“I want to be,” I told him. “For Ryan…I want to be ready for the rest of our lives.” It was strange to say the words aloud to my brother when I didn’t have the courage to say them to the man I was falling for.
“Just promise me you’ll give me a heads-up if you decide to go do something foolish. Like get married.”
I laughed and reached for him, pulling him into a hug. “I promise.”
“Good.”
We stood up, and he took a step back, giving me a slow up-and-down look. “You look like you needed this trip.”
“I did.” I felt less like myself, but that was also a good thing. The man I’d been before all of this wasn’t the person I wanted to be. “But I think I needed Ryan more than the trip.”
“I won’t argue with that.” He hugged me again, then took several steps back. “Next year…”
