I bumped my glass against his and drank some beer. “Sure is. Even if I could have lost it for us.”
“Naw, Casey had it covered.” He snickered. “So how did you hook up with this guy?”
“We were lab partners in chemistry class.” I shrugged, my heart aching. “He was flirtatious, like really flirtatious.” And later he’d told me he’d suspected I was queer. I didn’t know how. That fact alone had scared the shit out of me.
"Like…Casey flirty?” He smirked and drank more beer.
“Yeah, like Casey flirty.” Since Casey was technically bisexual, he flirted with everyone, no matter their gender. Of course, it had all stopped when he’d met Ryker, his mechanic boyfriend.
“And at the time, did you know you liked guys?” He eyed me.
Of all the things I’d discussed with the guys, I’d never told my story. With a shrug, I said, “I did, but I wasn’t willing to admit it. I’d dated a few girls, but my feelings never got past being good friends.” Holding my frosty beer glass, I tapped it with my index finger. “I grew up in a rural town in Oregon.”
“Yeah, I know. Medford, right?” He shifted on the bench seat. “So you were afraid?”
“Yeah, I was. My dad’s a supervisor for a logging crew. He’s pretty, uh…conservative.” I watched the bubbles pop at the top of my beer as a knot grew in my gut. Maybe I hadn’t told my story because it outed me as the coward I’d been. “I hid my sexuality until I left for college. That morning, I sat my parents down and told them at the airport.” I winced. The look of disdain on Dad’s face had been all I needed to know. “Then I got on my plane for Phoenix.”
“Jesus.” He squeezed my hand and freed it. “What a send-off.”
“Yeah. It was a few days before I heard from my mom. She wasn’t happy, but she accepted it. Dad was another story. It took him until I went home for Christmas break to talk to me.” With a slow nod, I snuck a peek at him from under my dark bangs.
“But when you did, he was okay with it?” A line formed between Malik’s brows. “You’ve said nothing bad about your parents to me.”
With a shrug, I said, “Yeah, Dad’s okay with it now. He doesn’t have much of a choice though, does he?” I freed a stuttered chuckle. “After moving my shit into the dorm, the first thing I did was go talk to the people at the LGBTQ Helpline.”
“And it started you on your journey of volunteering with them.” With a half-smile, he sipped his beer.
“Yep.” I sat back in my seat, my gaze roaming the bar and a fresh karaoke singer taking the mic. “Talking to others helped me deal with my situation back home. And the space helped.” Too bad I’d run from my younger sister though. Her support of me had always been unwavering.
“So, how does Wren fit in?” He studied me.
Time to spill my darkest secret. “I was such an asshole.” I breathed through the ache in my chest.
“You? How?” Arching a brow, his lip curled. “I don’t see you ever being an asshole to anyone.”
“Yeah, but back then I had my moments.” I slumped my shoulders. This was so fucking hard to admit. I’d been so immature. “Wren and I kissed during a study session at my house when no one was home. It blew my carefully constructed world apart.”
His eyes widened, and he smirked. “Yeah? When you’re gay, your first kiss with a guy can be like that.”
“Well, I couldn’t get enough. We started hooking up and then dating, and pretty soon, I fell in love.” I tensed the corner of my mouth. “Okay,wefell in love. We both said it. I know I felt it, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t lying.” And then all the shit hit the fan.
“Okay, and I’m guessing the problem was with your parents?” He held his beer glass to his lips for a beat and then drank.
“No, it was with me. I wanted to keep us a secret.” I twisted my beer on the table as my chest squeezed. “He wanted us to be public, but I’d heard guys say derogatory shit about him…” I rubbed the heel of my hand across my chest. “I didn’t want them saying it about me.” In a soft, ragged voice, I said, “I…I played football and dated pretty girls.”
Malik’s mouth fell open and his brows lowered. “Did you hear them say those thingsafteryou’d confessed your feelings?”
Holding my beer glass tightly, my knuckles turned white. “I did.” Nausea balled in my gut. “And no, I never defended him. Not when it was behind his back, which it always was.” Would any amount of volunteering on the helpline atone for my actions? I’d stood and listened to assholes berate the man I loved and said nothing.
With a hard swallow, Malik’s eye twitched. “And did he find out?”
I nodded slowly. “He did. He heard about it from a friend of his. He was there once.”
“Jesus, Eli. You werea grade A asshole.” Shaking his head, he said, “I guess if a guy did that to me, I’d end the relationship too.” He tsked. “You could have defended him without admitting you two were together.”
“But I was scared.” I locked my gaze on his, my words sounding stupid and hollow as they rolled off my tongue. “I thought if I defended him, someone might put two and two together and?—”
“And ruin your reputation as a womanizing football player?” He scoffed. “Dude, I’m so glad you’re not that guy anymore. Holy shit.” He shifted back in his seat and blew a long breath. “I never would have pegged you as someone who’d be like that.”
