“What about…” I paused, not sure how to ask. “What about when I get angry? How do I control myself if she’s no longer locked away?”
“Like anything else. Willpower.” Devon placed his hand on my shoulder. “You have to take responsibility for yourself. You can’t blame your ‘inner demon’ for losing control anymore. You’re integrated now. You just needed to break through that wall.”
I nodded. “I get it. I’ll be cautious. Okay, is that it for today?”
He shook his head. “No, given you just upped your strength factor, why don’t you get back on those rings and see what you can do?”
I sucked in a deep breath. “All right. Let’s go,” I said, before leaping back up to catch hold of the rings.
All the way home, I thought about what had happened. I kept reaching out, searching, but she was no longer there in the way she used to be. She was now a part of me, no longer watching and waiting for a chance to escape. It was awkward, like learning a new skill.
“Crap,” I said, staring at the red light as I waited for it to change. “Have I been holding those memories hostage, so that I didn’t have to accept who I am?”
I’d never been ashamed of my heritage, but I never wanted my mother to see me as different. Obviously, I wanted to prove to her that I was safe to love. I’d let myself down because of a pervert from my childhood.
He deserved what he got. I just wish I could talk to my mother about all of it now.
I pulled into the driveway and turned off the ignition, suddenly so tired that I wanted to go to bed. The evening had been emotionally exhausting. And yet…I felt whole in a way I never had. I slipped out of the car and headed inside. I couldn’t wait to tell my best friend, Penn, about what happened.
CHAPTER TWO
Penn was in the kitchen, fixing some ramen for a snack.
Before I could tell her what had happened, she pointed to the message board. “Your brother called.” She didn’t look happy. Penn detested my brother, and so did I. But we had to pretend that we were fine with him. Too much depended on my cooperation. Therefore, everybody had to cooperate.
“Great,” I muttered, glancing at the white board. “Oh he’s coming over tonight? That’s the last thing I need.” I glanced at the clock. I had half an hour before he showed up.
“You look different,” Penn said, turning to me. “What happened with Devon?”
I took a deep breath. “Before Vaurice gets here, I need to tell you what happened. I’m not sure what you’ll think, because I’m not even sure how I feel about it.” I hopped up on the counter. “Tonight, Devon and I worked on integrating my demon heritage.”
Penn paused for a moment, then she set the pan down. She let out a slow breath. “Well, it’s about time,” she said. “You’ve needed to do this all your life.” She seemed so serious that I was taken aback.
“I thought you might be worried,” I said. “You’re one of the few who’s seen her when she was out of control.”
“Far from it. Now, you have better control. When you split her off, you lost that. And yes, I’ve seen you at your worst—her worst, if you want to split hairs. Remember when I stopped you from killing Jace?”
“You stepped in and prevented disaster, but at a steep cost,” I said. “I’ve never fully forgiven myself for putting you through that.” I still felt guilty over how far Penn had gone to save me. She had to live with a memory that should have been mine to bear.
Penn poured her soup into a bowl and put the pan in the sink. She wiped her hands on a dishtowel. “I have no regrets. If I’d have found him first, I would have done the same, whether or not you were there.”
“Really?” I asked. I believed her, but I still felt responsible.
“Truly, yes. But don’t you see? Now that you have control over your shadow side, you can make decisions on a conscious level. That part of yourself can’t break through and take control, unless you choose to let it happen.”
“I do understand. Devon and I talked about this,” I said.
“You’ll be more functional when you are face your enemies.”
“Maybe I over compensate because I know what I’m capable of, but I just…”
Penn tapped her fingers on the counter. “Remember, I’m pledged to Hecate. She rules the night, she rules shadow magic. And my life is steeped in her energy. I’m not afraid to there, because that’s who I am.”
A dark horse, Penelope Fircrest was half-Fae, half-human. She was also one of my two best friends. Born in 1958, she didn’t look a day over thirty. The Fae aged so slowly it was hard for humans to notice. They weren’t immortal like the Elves seemed to be, but for all intents and purposes, they might as well be ageless. As for Demonkin, we aged far slower as well, on about the same scale as the Fae.
And Penn, as she said, was a priestess of Hecate, goddess of the crossroads, the night, and dark magic. Penn’s world view was steeped in the shadow magic of the world. And yet, she was one of the kindest people I knew.
I thought about what she said. Maybe, I was afraid to take control because then I’d have to admit to myself that I was a killer when need be. It sounded so harsh, but sometimes, it took standing in the shadows to fight the shadows.
