“I said, I’ll put her to bed, if you like.” The man sounded too excited, too eager.
“Thanks, Jim.” Mama sounded tired.
But we weren’t headed for my bedroom. He carried me toward the front door. Something was wrong, he meant to take me away from my mother. He was the scary boogie man under the bed. He was the shadow man in the dark. I bit his finger and screamed as he jerked his hand away from my mouth.
“Kyann, are you all right?” My mother sounded frantic.
The man yanked open the door. I couldn’t let this happen. I couldn’t let him hurt me and Mama was screaming, and her own fear fed mine.
“No!” I kicked, but he held me fast.
“No!” My anger and fear were rising. I had to get away from him. “No! Bad man!”
He ran into the hallway and I screamed again, but this time all my fear and anger poured into my words, and the next moment, we were falling. I landed hard on my side, but the big man landed harder. He was staring at the ceiling, not moving and blood was staining the carpet from a gash on his neck where I’d bitten him.
I crawled away as Mama ran out into the hallway. She took one look at him and a horrified look spread across her face. She slowly turned to look at me, and I saw fear in her eyes.
I had scared my mother. Would she still love me? Would she give me away?
And right then, I knew I could never let that happen. Somewhere, in the depths of my mind, I saw the little girl who had hurt the bad man, and I shoved her in a closet and locked the door. Then, I held out my arms to my mother and she scooped me up.
I snuggled into her arms and she held me tight, staring at the dead man, and then everything went black and I woke up the next morning, and everything was okay.
The little girl who I played with—my imaginary friend—had retreated. I wasn’t sure why she had gone, but I missed her. She had been my protector, but now, she’d disappeared. As everything from the night before began to grow fuzzy, the only thing I knew was that my safety shield had vanished. The world felt far more threatening, and right then, I realized that even my mother couldn’t protect me, so I’d better learn how to protect myself. And I had to do it without frightening Mama. Right then, I built the walls, both inner and outer, and walked alone in my private castle.
“Holy fuck,” I said. “I killed a man when I was…Four? He was going to kidnap me. He was a pedophile and he was going to…” I stared at Devon. “I was so afraid that my mother wouldn’t love me if I hurt anybody, that I shut my demon away. She was the one who had saved me. Or rather…that part of me, saved me. It was so hard to accept that my mother couldn’t protect me and I knew she felt so guilty for putting me in harm’s way.”
“Do you think, truly, that she blamed you?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Now, of course not. That was around that time she stopped bringing men home. She let her boyfriends pick her up out in front of the apartment buildings we lived in, but she never again brought a man inside the house. I never met another boyfriend.”
“She was protecting you,” Devon said. “She didn’t blame you. She probably blamed herself.”
“I can see that now,” I said, slowly piecing together the pieces. “But in my fear and worry over losing my mother’s love, I took on that blame. And I locked away the part of myself that I thought she hated and feared.” I let out a shaky breath. “How could I have blocked all of this out?”
“PTSD. That was a terrifying experience. You knew, in your heart, that he was dangerous and out to hurt you. You prevented him from kidnapping you, but as a little child, you could only do it in the way that you knew how—and that was to kill him.” He frowned. “I wonder who it was. The cops had to have come, because…dead man in the hallway.”
“Yeah. I don’t remember. I don’t even know where we were living at that time. I remember a little about the apartment, but I have no clue where the building was located.” I took another deep breath, then suddenly realized something. “Devon?”
“Yes?”
I searched, calling out for my inner demon. She was there, but she was in my aura…her energy was now bound to my energy. Her strength rushed through my body, melding with my own. Everything inside was quiet. My demon was no longer a separate entity—we were together. We were…me.
“She’s with me. It’s so different. Usually she watches from a corner. But now, there’s just me, only stronger. I can feel magic inside that I’ve never felt before. I feel I could blast something with a fireball.” I tried to examine the energy but the new strength distracted me.
I glanced up at rings hanging from the ceiling. I usually could manage a few minor tricks—the rings were hard—but now, I crouched, then leaped up, grabbing hold of them. I raised myself up, holding my arms stiff in a support hold. Then, I raised my legs into a pike, then spread my legs and closed them again. Yesterday, I’d only been able to manage the support hold. I took a deep breath and pivoted into a handstand, then—slowly swinging down—I dropped back to the floor.
“How could integrating my demon give me this much more strength and control?” I asked, barely able to believe what I’d just done.
Devon stared at me, his eyes wide. “Well, that was impressive. I know how much you were struggling with it. The Arosiens are among the strongest of the Demonkin—at least, what you would call the civilized ones. There are plenty of demonic monsters from the Elder Gallara who could mop the floor with you, your father, and your brother, and not break a sweat.”
“The Elder Gallara?”
“Never mind that for now. Just hope that none of them break through to this side of the planes,” he said. “But the Arosiens…they have tremendous physical control.”
“So, my Arosien blood gives me the muscle control?”
He nodded. “And you didn’t have access to that when you separated your demonic side and locked it away.” With a smile, he added, “I’m going to call Seton and tell him the news. He’ll be glad to hear it. This is a massive leap in your development.”
