Grace’s first instinct isn’t what I would have thought.
I thought after hearing what I had done, what Ididn’tdo, she would have been so repulsed by me that she wouldn’t want me to even touch her.
But no.
Grace wraps me up in her arms and presses me tightly against her. Her arms stay wrapped around me like a band of pure titanium and refuse to let go.
She kisses the top of my head and then holds me even tighter. As if she’s trying to fuse our bodies together.
And at first I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand how her first instinct is to console me, to soothe me, when I have caused pain and torment to my baby sister.
I don’t understand how she’s accepting me in her arms, how they hold me so tenderly and lovingly.
I don’t understand her soft compassionate kisses on the top of my head, nor do I understand how when she pulls back to look at me there’s empathy in those blue eyes.
“You’re right,” she begins and I can feel my heart freezing before the words come that I know will shatter it with no chance of ever being put back together. “It shouldn’t have happened. He should have never raped her, Oak. He shouldn’t have took her against her will. He shouldn’t have violated her. He shouldn’t have taken what was never his to take. He shouldn’t have discarded her and made her feel worthless. He shouldn’t have done that to her.”
And there, I don’t understand how she’s lying all the blame on him and not including me.
“And what about me, Grace?” My voice breaks at the end. “What about me?”
Breaking her arms that are wrapped around my body she holds my face between her hands. Her eyes stare deeply into mine, and with the hold they have I can’t look away.
“Maybe you could have prevented it. Maybe you could have saved her. Maybe you could have stood by her side all night like a shadow following her every move. But the maybe’s in life will kill you, Oak. They’re already killing you, everyday the constant maybes are plunging a knife deeper in your heart. Even if you were vigilant that night you couldn’t have kept an eye on her 24/7. What happened shouldn’t have happened but the person to blame is the one responsible. And that person is Chris Townsend.”
“But Ifeelresponsible, Grace,” I tell her, my voice strained with pain.
“Does Nora hold you responsible?”
I glance away from her. The vein pulses in my neck as my fingers continue to twitch. “Why does that matter? It was still my fault.”
She shakes her head sadly. “It matters, Oak. Does she hold you responsible?”
“No.”
“Does she blame you?”
“No.”
She then forces me to look into her eyes. “You need to forgive yourself, Oak, or you will never heal.”
“What if I don’t deserve forgiveness?”
“You out of everyone deserves forgiveness and you owe it to yourself to finally have it. All this pain, this guilt and suffering, it’s not helping you, Oak.” Her eyes search deeply into mine, as if they are trying to find what little soul I have left. “Forgive yourself, Oak. Forgive yourself and start living again with me.”
She brings her forehead down to rest on mine and our breaths mingle with each other’s. Then, in a matter of a minute, our breaths become synchronized, as do the beatings of our hearts.
My hands roam her back until they wrap entirely around her. And if it was possible I would find a way to keep her this close to me always. Meld our skins together without ever being able to be torn apart.
The feelings she evokes, the need along with possession, are too strong to deny.
I love Grace, and because I love her I’ll be damned before any other man can lay a hand upon her.
She’s mine for life and I’ll kill the motherfucker who tries to take her away from me.
Grace is my heartbeat.
