She lets out a little gasp that I can’t help but think is adorable. Her eyes go comically wide with recognition. “Sheriff Crow. I always wondered why you hated him,” she says. “It didn’t really make sense when I saw all the good things he was doing with the club. Especially how he helped Alice and Snake.”
“And I’ll always be thankful of him for that,” I say to her, though it’s begrudgingly. “But I can’t look him in the eyeswithout wanting to punch him in the face. In the end I know I’ll never be able to cause him as much pain as he caused me. Doesn’t stop me from wanting to inflict it, though. Don’t know what that says about me, baby, but I know it ain’t good.”
Her lips press another kiss to my knuckles. Those blue eyes are filled with empathy, compassion. “They hurt you, Oak. I can understand that. You felt betrayed by Lana, a woman you loved. A woman who you had thought loved you just as much back. And to see her with another man, I’m sure that only added salt to the already gaping wound you had.”
She understands me.
Fuck, if I couldn’t love this woman more than I already do.
“You want to know what made it worse?” I ask her and she patiently waits for me to continue. “He served, just like me. And I hated the fact that he had his shit together and I was a shattered fucking mess.”
“He’s not better than you, Oak. You can’t compare one trauma to another’s, or how one person has coped compared to someone else. Trauma, sorrow, it all affects us differently.”
My girl is wise beyond her years. Wiser than me at my thirty-five.
“Take my mother for example,” she says sadly. “We lost our dad and the trauma from it caused her to use drugs to cope.”
With my free hand I caress her face softly. She leans into my touch and lets out a little sigh. “Do you think one day she’ll stop?”
“I hope so. I always hope that one day she’ll wake up and realize that not everything important died with dad. She still has me. She still has Connor. There’s so much beautiful things she’s giving up in life because she’s lost in her grief.”
And that’s it isn’t it?
When we’re lost in grief we’re only killing ourselves slowly. We only go through the motions, struggle with every breath and wish for the day to be over to do it all over again.
Grief is killing Vivian Vale.
Grief has been killing me.
And I’m tired of killing myself because of it.
“You have the most beautiful heart.”
Her smile is shy as she closes her eyes. When she opens them they stare tenderly into mine. “And you have the most beautiful soul.” I go to open my mouth to rebuttal but she silences me. “You do, Oak. Believe me.”
“If I’m going to believe anyone it’s going to be you, Grace,” I tell her honestly.
She makes me feel like I’m worth fighting for.
“After Lana cheated on me I felt even more like I wasn’t worth fighting for. I was battling with the grief of losing my brothers. Trying to deal with the pain and suffering with tremendous guilt. When I was discharged it was because I was mentally unfit to return. And they were right for doing that. I wasn’t mentally fit to return for another tour. Hell, I’m not mentally fit now,” I let out a bleak laugh that only turns Grace’s eyes sadder.
“You’re just a little bent, Oak, but never broken.”
I press a soft kiss to her lips that she returns just as softly. A whisper of our lips that speaks louder than words ever will.
“I confronted Crow and he told me he had no idea Lana even had a boyfriend. She never said and what they had was new.”
“Do you believe him?”
God, I hate to even fucking admit that the fucker is right but I do believe him. I think part of me, albeit small, believed it almost nine years ago.
“I didn’t at the time but I do now. Crow is a righteous man, Grace. I can find all the faults in him that I want, hate him forwhat he made me feel that night, but he always does the right thing. It’s who Crow is. So, yeah, I believe him.”
“I understand your pain, Oak, but if he apologized and it was an honest mistake, I think the real person you need closure from is her.”
I shake my head. “I don’t need closure from her, baby. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if she hadn’t done what she did then I would never have come here. I would have never of joined the club and I would never have met you.”
She smiles at that. “And that’s incredibly sweet, romantic even, but if you’re still bleeding from that wound, Oak, then I’ll never be able to heal it.
