She swims closer, parting the water as she paddles up to me.
Please don’t come any closer. I’m already struggling to keep my hands to myself.
“I can’t believe those guys earlier,” she says.
“So rude,” I agree, thankful for the distraction.
They tried to pick her up at the bar. She thought it was me they wanted, but it was glaringly obvious. She doesn’t see herself as others do. She’s heartbreaking.
Serena drifts even closer, her pink lips dipping beneath the water like a silent invitation. And every part of me is screaming,Do it. Kiss her.
That nagging voice is so loud, I worry she can hear it. I shove it down, smothering it with finality.
Then the realization hits.
I can’t keep this up. I can’t keep pretending to be her friend. I’ve gotten too close.
Two weeks ago at this abhorrent college party full of frat boys and bottle-blonde sorority girls, we lost a game of flip cupand had to kiss. It was brief. And to her, it was just a harmless kiss between two friends being egged on by a bunch of jocks. But her lips had scalded mine in a way I’ll never forget.
She branded me with her name that night. And she never even knew it. And when I pulled back, careful not to seem too eager, there was this look in her eyes that was impossible to interpret. I had wondered if she felt something more in that moment. I didn’t want to confuse her any further.
But this? This is too much. It’s wrong. She has no idea, but I do.
I have to pull back. I’ve seen too much, shared too much, and now?—
I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Ican’tbe feeling this way.
Annie has to go. It will hurt her, I know, but this can’t continue. It’s not good for either of us.
After graduation, I’m drawing the line. I’ll make some excuse, and she and Annie will drift apart like friends often do. Eventually she’ll move on and forget about me, and everything will be the way it should be.
I can keep watch from a safe distance until it’s time to bring her home.
Or maybe I’ll stay just a little longer—just until I’m sure she doesn’t need me.
It’s for the best. At least, that’s the lie I sell myself.
* Cue:back to friendsby sombr
65
SERENA
12 DAYS
Isleep like shit and wake the next morning with puffy eyes and a guilty conscience. I don’t know how I’m going to face Zadyn after last night.
After he told me loved me and I…didn’t say it back. I simply took off my top. As if that would make it better.
Hey, sorry, my feelings for you are complicated. I might love you, but for now, here are my tits.
Stupid.
The conversation with Margot flashes through my mind. Her words had felt like an anchor dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean. But can I really trust the person who faked her own death to escape her role as queen? Who abandoned Sorscha and Derek? This could all just be some attempt to manipulate me.
She says she’s on nobody’s side, but who knows if that’s true. My mother has only ever looked out for herself. Why should her double be any different?
I find Mar, Dover, Kai, Cece, and Eaton in the dining room having breakfast.
