I remember that she isn’t mine. That her heart is still broken from Jace. And what I’m doing, how I’m taking advantage of that break, is detestable.
The guilt rips my focus from her warmth, from her sweet little hands slipping beneath my shirt. I try, but I can’t ignore it—the funnel of anger and frustration overshadowing my desire.
It takes all my willpower to tear my lips away and push off of her. But I do.
“Zadyn?”
“I can’t do this.”
She sits up beside me, laying a hand on my shoulder. “Did I do something wrong?” Her voice nearly trembles, and my heart clenches.
She thinks it’s her.Oh, Serena.
“No.” I swallow. “I can’t do this when I know you still love him.”
“No. I’ve let go of the idea of us. It’s over.” She tries to smooth my hair, but I drag my head away, worried that one touch from her and my resolve will crumble. Hurt skids across her beautiful face.
“You’ve let go of theidea—but not him. I don’t know if you ever will.”
“I will. I have,” she says more forcefully. “Zadyn, please. I want this. I want you.”
“Yes, but I don’twantyou. Iloveyou.”
Her jaw goes slack, and I watch the shock register on her face. But I can’t stop the words from spilling out.
“I love you.I love you.I always have. I’ve watched you fall in love and get your heart broken by people that couldn’t even come close to being worthy of you if they had a hundred lifetimes to get it right. And even though that hurt, I could endure it. But what I can’t endure is being a substitute for the person you really want. The person you really love.”
Silence falls as we stare at each other, chests rising and falling out of sync. I watch her finally face the truth she already knew deep down.
“Zadyn,” she whispers, a dip appearing between her brows. “You know I love you.”
“That’s not the kind of love I’m talking about and you know it.”
“I didn’t know you felt that strongly.”
“Yes, you did, Serena. You just didn’t want to face it so you didn’t have to feel the guilt of not returning my feelings.” I can’t keep the ice from my tone, the disgust at my own foolish hope, at my desperate actions, my inability to resist her.
“That is not true!” she protests, her voice rising. “I never thought you werein lovewith me. If I had known?—”
“If you had known then what?” I meet her intense gaze.
Even in her confusion and frustration she looks like a goddess. Lips swollen, cheeks flushed, a halo of fire coming from the flames behind her. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose, just to stop her angelic image from distracting me.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything. You would have done everything the same. And come on. You never thought that my reaction to you at solstice or to you and Jace had anything to do with how I felt about you?”
Her voice is so fragile. “But you were with Cece. And then Ilayna.”
Cece? She has no idea, does she? No idea that the only reason I was with Cece was to try to escape the constant thoughts of her. To distract myself so I wouldn’t do anything stupid. Anything like this.
I fight back a cruel laugh. “I asked you to give me a reason not tobe with her. I practically begged you like a fool. I would have sat like a dog at your side if you’d asked me to. I would have waited until you came around, until you?—”
Until you decided to take pity on me or release me from this torment once and for all.
“They were nothing to me. All they did was ease the pain that was always there, just bubbling beneath the surface.”
“Zadyn,” she says, her voice soft as night.
I watch as she slides onto her knees and peels her sopping shirt over her head.
