A hand goes to her stomach as her head shakes. “I’ve never been pregnant before now.”
I’m not sure if that declaration should relieve or disappoint me. If it had been true, that would mean my memory was returning, bits of it anyway. But if it had been true, it would mean we’d gone through something devastating.
I scrub a hand across my jaw. “The dream was so real.”
“So real you had to show up in the middle of the night? Trevor, why are you really here?”
“I guess to say I’m sorry.”
Her eyes close. “You’ve said it so many times before that I’m not sure those words hold meaning anymore.” She gets out of bed and pulls on a robe. “I was hoping you were going to say you came back because of the letters.”
“Yeah, well, that too. Ava, can you sit back down please?”
“Why? So you can tell me you’re sorry again?”
“So I can tell you what an idiot I’ve been. It was me who suggested the IVF. It was me who said we should use all our savings on the off chance we could have a biological child. It was me who was so selfish that I couldn’t stand the thought of you getting pregnant by a sperm donor and not by me. And it was me who stormed out of here when you told me about the loan and the baby. That makes me one hell of a hypocrite, Ava.”
Finally, she sits back down on the bed, letting out a lungful of air. “You’re not the only one at fault here. I can hardly hold you responsible for things you don’t even remember.”
“I wish you’d told me.”
“Do you really think that would have made a difference, Trevor? You were so mad at me. But the thing is, I don’t even think you were mad about the money. You were mad because I got pregnant. You can’t remember that you wanted a baby. That puts us in an impossible situation. So I’m asking again, why are you here?”
“You’re right in that I don’t remember wanting a family. To me, you’re somebody new in my life. I was getting excited to see where that was going to take us. I guess I was upset because we weren’t going to have time to be a couple, to let things progress naturally from a new beginning. Then something Carter said when he brought the letters really stuck with me. What if we’d already had a child before my accident? Would I have disregarded him just because I didn’t remember him?” I take her hand in mine, happy she doesn’t pull away. “I want to take responsibility.”
Nowshe pulls away. “How romantic.”
“Fuck!” I get up and pace. “I’m saying all the wrong things here, but the truth is, I want to try. Try to be with you, try to be a family?—”
“Try?” She scoffs. “And what happens the next time you get spooked and you leave again? Trevor, I’ve had weeks to think about this. Maybe we should just let it go.”
“It?”
“Us. This.”
“You want to walk away? But you gave Carter the box of letters.”
“That was days ago. I’ve done a lot of thinking since then.” She pinches the bridge of her nose, clearly frustrated. “Trevor,I’m tired and I have to get up in a few hours. Can we talk about this later?”
“Okay, sure.”
I take off my clothes and crawl into bed.
“What are you doing?” she asks, her jaw slack.
“I’m going to sleep. In my bed. With my wife.” I reach across her and turn off the lamp. Then I kiss her cheek. “If you want me out, you’re going to have to kick me out. And if you want to walk away, I’m not letting you go without a fight.”
Every muscle in her body is tense as my arm surrounds her. It takes a moment, but she starts to relax. Is she just too tired to do anything about it, or is she realizing she could still love me?
But it’s thewhichme question that terrifies me to my core.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ava
“I’m so, so sorry,” he whispers when my eyes flutter open and I catch him staring.
“I’m sorry too.” There’s a hitch in my voice, revealing how close to tears I am. “But that doesn’t change the fact that we have some real issues to work out.”
