Headlights stream through the front windows.Shit. Is it her? Did Carter cave and tell her where to find me? I’m not ready to face her yet. I still have so much to figure out.
I ignore the knock.
“Dude, I know you’re here. I drove all this way, can you open up?”
It’s Carter.
Relief flows through me. I’m not sure what I would have done had it been Ava. I know she’s hurting. I know I didn’t react the way she hoped I would have. And I don’t want to upset her further, which is surely what I’d do by asking her to leave and give me more time. I may not want the same things she wants, but I’m not a complete monster.
I open the door then grab a beer and offer one to Carter.
He waves it off. “I’m only here to deliver this.”
He holds out a box. I know what it is. It’s Ava’s box of letters.Myletters.
When I don’t take it, he says, “She warned me you might want to burn them instead of read them.”
“Did she tell you why?”
“Nope.”
I motion to the couch. “Have a seat.”
He checks the time. “I told Christian I’d be back by ten.”
“Ava’s pregnant.”
His eyebrows touch the ceiling. “Oh, wow.” He takes in my expression and finally sits. “I’m guessing it was accidental. But, damn, all that time you guys tried and it happens now?”
“It wasn’t accidental.”
I spend the next few minutes explaining everything to him. It feels good to get it off my chest. Like all these feelings had been bottled up inside, the pressure ratcheting up to dangerous levels, and now I popped the top and the chaos has been released. I’m glad to have a friend. Someone to confide in.
“Jesus.” He shakes his head. Just when I think he’s about to agree with my actions, he narrows his eyes. “What was it about me saying ‘do better’ did you not fucking understand, man?”
“Um… come again?”
“Listen, I get where you’re coming from. You have no idea how you felt about her, having a family, or anything. But the fact is, whether you remember or not, youdidwant a family, and you would have been so goddamn happy to find out she was pregnant, even if she did the embryo thing without telling you. She did it with all the best intentions. She wasn’t trying to trick you or trap you. She was doing what you wanted. She was trying to make your fucking dreams come true.
“And yeah, Trev, you might be a different guy now, but who the hell cares when there’s a tiny human at stake? What if you’d already had kids? Would you be turning your back on them just because you never remembered wanting them? Maybe it’s time to pull your head out of your ass and man up.”
He shoves the box into my hands and storms to the door.
Before he slams it shut, he says, “I’m evicting you. Go lick your wounds somewhere else. I want my keys and car back by this weekend.” He shakes his head in disgust. “Do fucking better.”
I hear his car kick up rocks when he peels out, and I wonder if we always had the kind of relationship where we’d tell each other shit the other didn’t necessarily want to hear. Or is this new because of how fucked up I am?
Feeling the entire universe is against me right now, I do actually contemplate burning the box of letters that represent someone I no longer am. Throwing them on the grill, dousing them with lighter fluid, and watching my old world go up in flames. Then again, I did write the letters. And even though I’m sick of other people telling me who I was, maybe there’s one person I should listen to.Me.
Chapter Thirty-Four
My Sweet Ava,
I know we said we’d wait until I got home. I know I said I’d be okay with sperm donation or adoption. And I would. But Ava, not until we’ve exhausted all other avenues.
Because after seeing baby Mitchell and letting all those feelings resonate with me these past few weeks, call me selfish, but I want one last chance at having a child of our own flesh and blood.
You know I don’t say this lightly, but doctors can be wrong. Maybe IVF will work for us, even if there’s only the slightest chance. A slight chance is still a chance. And maybe we should be willing to drain our savings on the chance of having a little girl with your dimple and my eyes, or a little boy with your zest for life and my hair that you love so much.
