“I’m exhausted with being angry, and weak, and angry at being weak.” Lucas didn’t know why the confession popped out. Maybe being held while not having to look into Ajax’s eyes did something to him. Set his tongue free.
Ajax held him tighter. “I know you’re sick of hearing this, but you died. What you went through has a near zero chance of survival, but you made it.” Ajax kissed his shoulder. His lips lingered there. When he spoke again, his voice came out softer. “It would’ve killed me if I lost you.”
Lucas closed his eyes and savored the moment. He clung to the sound of Ajax’s voice.
“I know I’m just some old bloke who shouldn’t be touching you right now. Equally, I’m fully aware you’ll pretend this never happened when you’re fully back on your feet. That’s okay, though. I want you back to tip-top health more than I want my happiness. So, for now, just use my strength. That’s all I have to offer. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you get better. Just give me time to help you.”
Lucas felt entirely too much. There was a reason Lucas had always teased and flirted every time he saw Ajax over the years. Not only did he feel closer and happier with Ajax, but he genuinely wanted him. Not just for sex. He had always been Lucas’ secret fantasy. Ajax was one of the biggest things he had always craved for himself and knew he would never have. Yet Ajax held him and confessed to feeling the same. Life definitely had a sense of humor, except Lucas wasn’t laughing. He couldn’t let Ajax think he went unnoticed.
“You’ve never been just some old bloke. This nightmare has only had two positive points. My mom has been freer and more cared for since this happened, and then there’s you. If this horrible thing never happened, I probably wouldn’t have ever moved on you. That has nothing to do with your age, and everything todo with being scared shitless at the thought of losing my best friend.” Lucas swallowed. If he didn’t say everything right now, he probably never would. “I can live without sex, but I’m not so sure I can live without the way you make me smile.”
Ajax smiled against Lucas’ neck, where he kept his lips pressed. “Ah. Well. If you didn’t act like a right cunt to almost everyone you meet, you wouldn’t be stuck with me. You’d still be swimming in dick, but no one cares if you’re mean to them if the sex is good enough. Not that I’m complaining. I want you all to myself.”
Lucas smiled so big, his face hurt. The entire conversation was so typical of them. Serious but so unserious at the same time. “What are you saying? Are you slipping drugs in my food to keep me down?”
He felt Ajax chuckle more than he heard him. “Nah. Tying you to the bed is more my style. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.”
Lucas laughed. “Bondage play. Yes!”
He practically felt Ajax’s happiness vibrating around him. Suddenly, Ajax turned off the water. “I have a great idea.” Ajax turned into a wild man. He grabbed towels and dried Lucas before wrapping a towel around his own waist. Then he led Lucas back to bed. “Sit. Don’t move. Give me just a second.” Ajax headed for the door. He strolled out without looking to see if anyone was in the hall.
Lucas bit his bottom lip. While it was true Ajax’s room was pretty much across from him, the idea of Ajax proudly strolling from Lucas’ room in only a towel had him fighting all the smiles. While he hadn’t been insulted at all when Ajax had rolled from the bed to hide, he still loved the thought of Ajax not being ashamed of him. This not caring if anyone knew fed his ego, especially since there was a clear difference between yesterday and today. Yesterday, Ajax was on duty, assigned to stay with him all day. Tonight, Ajax was off duty. He had chosen to be with Lucas.
Ajax reappeared, still wearing a towel and holding a bundle of clothes. He was all smiles. “Okay. Let’s get dressed so I can take you out for a night on the town. We have your wheelchair. Let’s go eat and shop or whatever you want to do.”
Lucas hated pointing out the obvious, but Ajax hadn’t known Lucas didn’t have a phone. He doubted Ajax knew anything about his finances. “As much as it pains me to say it, I’ve been stuck in bed for months without working, and with my bills on autopay. My accounts are probably in the negative by now.”
Ajax’s face screwed up in confusion. “Your accounts aren’t in the negative. Noir has been paying your bills and has continued paying your salary. Not to mention, this is a date. I’m taking you on a date,” Ajax emphasized the last word, like he needed Lucas to have no misunderstandings. “I’m paying. You’re getting spoiled.”
Lucas didn’t know what to say. Every word blew Lucas’ mind. Obviously, he hadn’t known about the money situation. But Ajax wanted this to be a date—like they were more than friends. Hismind was blown, but the smile stretching his lips told his real feelings. He wanted this. “Okay.”
If he wasn’t mistaken, Ajax looked relieved, as if he thought Lucas would say no. “Good. Let’s do this.”
Lucas had no idea where all this was headed. He had thought they were best friends who decided to add benefits. This was better, though. In fact, oddly enough, nothing had ever made him happier.
Lucas looked happier than Ajax could recall. The first few minutes of their outing had been rocky. It was obvious Lucas didn’t like being seen in a wheelchair. After a bit, Ajax watched Lucas’ shoulders relax. They had gone to several stores. It seemed once Lucas realized Ajax was truly having a good time with him, Lucas loosened up. Ajax practically saw the tension drain from Lucas. He still couldn’t believe not only had Lucas simply accepted he no longer had a phone, but he had also thought he had lost everything and hadn’t said a word about either. Lucas was definitely one of those people who refused to complain or show an ounce of weakness. Of course, it was likely Lucas had spent his life feeling like he couldn’t complain without looking like a bad son.
Ajax couldn’t stop staring at Lucas while Lucas eyed the menu he held. He couldn’t take it. “I’m sorry.”
Lucas’ chin lifted. His eyes were full of life. That was what addicted Ajax in the first place. “Why?” Laughter filled the question, proving Lucas honestly had no idea why Ajax apologized.
“For not doing this earlier.” He knew that wasn’t enough. “My only excuse is no one has ever scared me the way you did. I mean, as far as dying goes. It’s like I’ve been stuck in overprotective mode. There aren’t many people I care about at all. You’re on that list, and I’m still trying to recover right alongside you.”
Lucas’ contagious smile made its appearance. “Don’t lie. You just like me better in bed.”
Ajax shook his head. There were times he wished Lucas could let his guard down for just a moment. He should have known better than to bother apologizing. Ajax never knew what Lucas actually took to heart. Maybe nothing. It was possible Lucas would never let anyone in. Maybe Ajax should stop trying and just enjoy Lucas’ body. Ajax stared at the menu, seeing nothing. He wasn’t unhappy. Ajax needed to let it go before he undermined himself.
“Hey.”
Ajax’s chin lifted. His breath caught. He swore he stared at Lucas’ heart.
“Thank you.” Lucas didn’t make him ask for what. “I know you’re one of the biggest reasons I’m alive. You’ve taken care of me. No one else would’ve stuck by me the way you have. Other than my mom, obviously, but you know what I mean. I’ve always known I’ll go out badly. But you know what my last thought was that night?” Again, Lucas didn’t wait for Ajax to answer. “I thought, at least I was with you.”
Ajax had never had such an immediate reaction. His throat swelled nearly closed. No one knew how badly Ajax didn’t want this life for Lucas. There was no time better to start the conversation he had been putting off. “I want you to stay.” The words tumbled out. Lucas looked every bit as confused as he should.
Ajax started over. “Noir has wanted me to talk to you about making your move permanent for a while now. Your mum is settled in and seems very happy with her newfound freedom and all the extra help. Not to mention, she has people to keep her company. Noir and Lazarus have become very attached to her, and they feel you deserve to be taken care of after everything that’s happened.”
Lucas blinked a few times before finding his words. “Go back to your original statement.”
