I shift into park in an instant, turn off the engine, and slam my door behind me. Adrenaline courses through my veins, and my heart pulses in my ears.
As I get closer, a pair of striking blue eyes meet my gaze. I know those eyes. They used to fuel my nightmares. I can still feel the bruises his fists left when the gambling losses got to be too much for him and the ache in my heart every time he let our family down. One glimpse into those eyes launches me back to my childhood, to the past I’d just resolved to let go of.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Jax
“Dad? What are you doing here?”
He bolts up from his spot on my porch chair, and I flinch. Growing up, I learned to prepare for the worst when he made sudden movements. Maybe I haven’t changed as much as I’d hoped.Come on. Be strong. Be brave. You’re not a fifteen-year-old boy anymore. You can fight back.
“Hey, bud.” His blue eyes shine with something that almost looks like remorse, and his forehead creases with concern.
As I take him in, my shoulders relax a little bit. He’s sober. That means I’m safe. But still, when he crosses the porch toward me, I take a step back.
“You’re out of prison,” I say awkwardly.
“Yeah, I am. They released me a little early on good behavior.”
“But why are you here?” I stand at the top of the stairs, my mind swirling. “You’re on parole, right? You shouldn’t be able to leave Oklahoma.”
“I got approval from my parole officer. I’m only here for the day, but she knows I need to do this to complete my program.”
“Do what?” Dread spreads through me like a winter frost.
“I need to apologize.”
I should be happy. All I ever wanted growing up was my dad to recognize the pain he’d caused our family. I wanted him to take responsibility for his actions and to be better, but now, it feels too late.
“I don’t want your apology,” I grit, clenching my fists at my side.
“Please, I need to apologize for all the terrible things I’ve done.” Dad inches forward, sending me on high alert. “I had a lot of time to think about my actions and how they impacted you and your mom. I want to make it right. I checked myself into Gambler’s Anonymous as soon as I got out of prison. I’m getting help for my addiction. I haven’t gambled or had a drop of alcohol since I was arrested, and now that I’ve been out for a couple months, I need to make amends. That’s how I make things as right as they can be, and that’s how we all move on.”
“I’ve already moved on. This apology is only foryou,just like everything else in your life.”
Rage flickers like a flame inside of me, and I’m surprised by the intensity of the burn, but why did he have to come back now? I was ready to move on, to move forward with the woman I love, and now he wants to tear my life apart again. He doesn’t have the right to do that!
“I’ve lived without you for nine years.” My fury builds. “I don’t need you in my life. If you were really sorry, you would’ve stayed away becausethat’swhat is best for everyone.We’re better off without you and your lies, manipulation, and abuse.”
He flinches at the last word, but I don’t stop.
“You want to apologize for all the things you’ve done, but you don’t actually want to talk about them, do you? You recognize what a monster you are. I don’t want anything to do with you, and neither does Mom. You’re wasting your time by being here.” I step down a stair, holding my arm out to show him the way off my porch. “You should go.”
“No, I can’t.” Dad takes a few desperate steps forward. “I need to make this right.”
“There’s no fixing what you’ve done, and I don’t feel like playing into your hand anymore. Growing up, all I did was bend to your will while you selfishly gave in to all the temptations that tore our family apart. I was too scared to stand up to you then, but I’m not anymore. You say you’ve changed and want what’s best for us, but clearly you haven’t because if you had learned from your mistakes, you’d understand the best thing you could do for our family is keep your distance.”
The flame inside me is blazing now, but it’s no longer just rage. The predominant emotion fueling my fire is pride. I always wanted to stand up to my dad, to let him know how badly he hurt our family. I used to long for the strength to say no to him and to push back, and here I am doing that. Ihavegrown. Iamgood enough for the woman I love, and I’m ready to talk to my mom.
“You’re right.” He hangs his head. “It’s awful of me to show up after all this time, but I need to correct my mistakes. I need to let you know you didn’t deserve being abandoned and hurt like that.”
“I don’t want to hear any of that now.” I shake my head. “Please leave.”
Dad’s face falls, and a shadow of guilt looms over me, but I quickly push it aside. He doesn’t deserve my guilt after everything he’s done. Coming back to fix things after all this time doesn’t make it better.
Turning back to me, he asks, “Is your mom staying with your Aunt Carol? I’d like to see them, try to see if they’d be willing to hear me out while I’m here.”
My protective instincts flare, and I step toward him. “You’re not going near either of them.” Mom might be strong enough to handle him now, but I’m sure she wouldn’t welcome the surprise of him showing up on her porch.
