I give her a tight-lipped smile. The movie did nothing to quiet my mind. I can’t stop thinking about how I need to protect her. I can’t stay here, and I know it’s going to kill her to hear it.
“Do you want more ice cream? I’m so obsessed with the Cookie Two Step.”
“No, I’m okay. I should probably get going.”
“But it’s only nine o’clock. It’s still early. Your dad won’t be home for at least another hour, and I’d like to hear how your dinner went. I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but I might have some insights that could help. I know you’re always so hard on yourself. I’m sure it went bet?—”
“No, it didn’t. It was horrible. Okay, Mom? I know you think I’m some superstar, but I’m just a human being, a human being that picked a dead-end career path and is going to wind up stuck there forever. I don’t know what I was thinking. I literally had to leave the dinner early while I fought back tears. It wasawful!I’ve never felt so ashamed.”
“Oh, Ol! Come here! Let me give you a hug.” She pulls me in before I have time to resist, gently smoothing the top of my head. I feel some of the tension melt away for a moment. “You’re not stuck. You’re going to get through this. We will find you something so you can stay in Roots and be happy.”
Her words are like snapping a rubber band against my skin, bringing me back to reality with a sharp sting. My lower lip begins to quiver, and I bite it hard. I can’t cry. I need to be firm. If I cry, it’s only going to make things worse.
“I can’t stay in Roots. It was stupid of me to ever believe that it could work. I enjoyed my time here, but we all knew it was going to come to an end.”
No part of me wants this, but I don’t know what else to do. Today proved there’s no escaping my life in San Francisco. I need to get out of here. It hurts too much to stay here and dwell on what could’ve been. Plus, the longer I draw out my time in this town, the harder it will be to say goodbye.
Mom’s eyes are already filled with glimmering tears. “No, you can’t go back! You can’t give up. We will find you something. I promise. We still have time. I just want you to be happy. Are you going to be happy if you go back to your life in San Francisco?”
I take a deep breath, trying to give myself the confidence and determination I need to get this next part out in a believable manner. “I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I thought staying in Roots—” I can’t even finish the lie I’m about to say. “I just can’t stay here, Mom. I need to go back.”
“I don’t believe you. You told me?—”
“It doesn’t matter what I said. I’ve woken up from the fantasy and realized I need to go back.” Great, now the tears are coming. I try to bite down on my lip again, but it’s no use. “I need your support right now, not you questioning me and arguing with me.”
“But—”
“I should go.”
She sits on the couch, watching me and looking heartbroken. It’s almost enough to make me run back into her arms and tell her I’m sorry, to beg her to help me fix this mess, but I’m not her problem. I’ve been her problem for far too long. It’s timeIclean up my messes.
I walk out the door, making sure not to throw another glance at her because I know it will just break me down. As I cross the threshold, there’s a tiny voice that asksClean up your own messes, huh? Is that what you call what you’re doing right now?
I shirk off the thought as I slam my car door closed and queue up some Shania Twain to blast on the five-minute drive home. Man, this town has changed me. I don’t even want to listen to Taylor Swift right now. Somehow that makes me angrier.
I barrel into the driveway, hardly able to take all the emotions that are swirling inside of me like a tornado. I’m grateful to see Rhett’s truck is gone. He must be meeting with Callie about the café.
I walk like a zombie across the gravel to Rhett’s door, letting out a groan of frustration as I jiggle the lock up and down trying to get the damn door to open.
When it finally gives way, Maverick rushes to me, but he stops at the sight of me, his wiggling butt slowly becoming less wiggly. He looks at me with his head tilted as if he can tell something is wrong, and that look is all it takes to break my fragile heart. The dam bursts as tears flood my eyes, and I crumple to the floor. “Mav, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
It hits me then that going back to San Francisco is going to mean I have to say goodbye to this adorable little mutt. No matter how much we’ve grown to love each other, or how much Rhett has insisted that Maverick is truly my dog, I know Maverick wouldn’t have a good life in the city of concrete, cooped up all day in a five-hundred-square-foot apartment while I work twelve plus hours a day.
“I’m so sorry!” I wail.
He sits there for a moment, watching me with sad eyes. Then he gently lifts a paw, setting it on my leg before pressing the top of his head into my chest. Without even speaking, he tells me he loves me. He tells me it’s going to be okay. He makes me cry ten times harder until my thoughts spiral to the place I don’t want them to go. They settle in my lungs until I can’t breathe again. Two panic attacks in one day. This hasn’t happened in months.
I lean back so that my back is flat against the kitchen tile, and Maverick follows, lying down next to me with his head on my chest. “Good…boy…” I manage.
I watch his face, and I swear I can see the heartbreak in his eyes too. It’s that look that pulls me back in to remember my breathing. In…. two… three... four. Hold… two… three… four. Out… two… three… four.
ChapterForty-Seven
Rhett
I could sensesomething was wrong before I even opened the door to the house. Olivia’s car is in the driveway, but the house is dark. It’s only nine thirty, so I know she hasn’t gone to bed already.
When I reach the front door, it’s unlocked. I swing it open, flicking a light on to find Olivia lying on the floor, clutching Maverick to her like both their lives depend on it. Her eyes are puffy and there’s black underneath them like she’s been crying. My stomach drops.
