We stay like that for several minutes before he peels me off him to look me in the eyes. “What are you doing here? What’s going on?” His stony demeanor is back, and his walls are quickly rising back up.
“Andrew, we need to talk. I had this whole plan for how this conversation was going to go, but now that I’m here, I don’t even know how to start except to tell you I’m sorry for being such an idiot. I hope you’ll forgive me. You were completely right. I still need to work on handling my fears, and I let them get in the way of our relationship. From now on, I promise to talk with you reasonably about my concerns. I’m not going to let my fears get in the way. I’m starting right now by putting myself out there, knowing that you might reject me. I understand you might not want to get back together with me, or even be my friend again, but I’m here to tell you I was wrong, and I want to do everything I can to fix things with you because youbring light to my shadows and joy to my sorrows. You continue to challenge me and make me a better person, and I don’t want to spend another second of my life without you by my side.”
Finally, he looks up at me with his beautiful blue eyes, and I try not to let the look on his face break my heart. “What are you trying to say?” He prods, still clearly guarded.
“I’m saying I don’t want to break up or go back to being just friends. We will find a way to make long-distance work. I’d do anything for you. I thought I was thinking rationally and protecting us both from inevitable heartbreak, but I realize now how stupid that was. I can’t just give up on us because I’m afraid of whatmighthappen. Then we might never get a chance at being happy. I want that chance with you if you’ll let me.” I peer up at him through my thick lashes as tears slither down my cheeks. It’s just now hitting me how badly I have already hurt him. I hate that I was responsible for that, and I am terrified that it was enough to keep him from giving me another chance. “Please, Andrew.”
He sits next to me in silence for a moment. “How do I know this is what you truly want?”
“Andrew, I regretted everything that happened between us the second you crawled out my window. I wanted to fix things immediately, but I waited until now so that you’d understand I put thought into this. This isn’t me acting on a whim. This is me knowing with every fiber of my being that I’m going to do whatever I can to get you to forgive me and to show you that we can have a relationship full of mutual trust.”
I pause for a moment before continuing. “I’m sorry for all the things I said to you. The fear of the unknown has been eating at me for a while, and I’m honestly still hurt by the fact that you cut me out last year, but I can’t hold that against you. You were just doing the best you could in a difficult situation. You cut out the people who knew what you weregoing through, and I cut out anyone who I thought wouldn’t understand. I still think we need to talk about this more, but I’m starting to get it now, and I’m not going to let that time of darkness overshadow the bright future we have together.” I don’t even hesitate before whispering, “I love you, Andrew. I have for a very long time, and that’s not going to change anytime soon.”
He watches me closely with narrowed eyes, and I hold my breath. This is the first time I’ve said this out loud to him, and it’s absolutely not the way I pictured it going, but we are here now, and he’s slowly uncrossing his arms, instantly inflating me with hope.
“I love you too, Em.”
I can’t restrain the smile that spreads across my face as hope continues to build inside me. I leap from where I’m seated across the bed and right into his chest, dying to kiss him, but I need to be patient. I don’t want to ruin the moment.
“Does this mean you forgive me? That we can still be together? If you need more convincing, I have a whole evening planned to show you just how much you mean to me, Andrew.”
We lock eyes for a while, not looking away for even a second. Then he’s placing one hand behind my head and the other around my waist as he pulls me into him for a kiss. The kiss is filled with passion and need. Need for me to express to Andrew how important he is to me and need for Andrew to prove he is worth trusting.
Even with all the emotion leading up to this moment, this is one of the best kisses I’ve ever had because as our tongues do their beautiful dance, perfectly in sync with one another, a million words are exchanged without a single one being spoken.
Our bodies are pressed against one another, and his warmth soothes me. I can feel his pounding heart and hear his heavy breathing. I want to get swept up in the moment, but I know we aren’t done.
Once we break apart, Andrew speaks first. “I might need a little more convincing.” A teasing smile shines on his face.
“Done!” I say, grateful to see my happy, flirty Andrew back.
I grab Andrew’s hand. I’m eager to pull him up and drag him off to the next surprise, but instead, I say, “Andrew, I think we need to finish our conversation from a few days ago. We need to have a game plan if we are going to make long-distance work, and I would appreciate knowing how this time is going to be different from after Rebecca’s accident.”
He nods somberly and takes a deep breath before speaking. “I agree. Are you ready to have that talk?”
I nod back, knowing he has every right to ask that question. “I can even start if you’d like.”
He curls me into him and gives me a nod of approval.
“I think we need to work on communication. Maybe it’d be good to carve out certain times to talk. We can’t be that annoying couple that’s so focused on their significant other that they ignore the people and opportunities immediately surrounding them, even though I’m going to miss you like hell.” I quickly add, “You can’t shut me out. When something big is going on in your life, whether it’s something really exciting or something that shatters your world, I need you to talk with me and share your feelings. I promise to do the same.”
He presses his lips together as he carefully listens and processes my words. “I think setting boundaries would be good. We can find one night a week for little date nights, but we can’t keep each other in every Friday and Saturday night. I’d like to see you open up more to your friends. I know you never even told your roommate about Rebecca.”
I nod in agreement. “I’ll do that if you promise to not just lean on your college friends for things. Youhaveto keep me in the loop if this is going to work.” I push down the fear that rises as the words come out of my mouth.
“I’m sorry that’s how things happened. Ineed you to know that I learned a lot from those dark days, and I promise I’m not going to let that ever happen again. I won’t shut you out because of distance or a loss or anything else that life can throw at us. I love you with all my heart, Em. My heart’s been yours before I even knew it was.”
“I love you too.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about why I shut you out, and I want to try to tell you my side. I think it might help give you some peace. Plus, I hope it shows you that I can and will talk to you about my feelings.” He pulls me in closer, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Rebecca just had a magnetism, a happy-go-lucky joy for life, and I thought without her around I wouldn’t be able to laugh or smile or enjoy life again. When I got to school, I thought my best chance at moving on was to just ignore all of it, to step fully into school and away from my old life. That meant avoiding you, avoiding my parents, even avoiding Brendan because he was a part of that life with Rebecca too. I was truly starting over.
“It worked for a while until I realized I was getting excited about things and making friends. It felt like the worst betrayal to Rebecca. She would never get to go to college, date, or grow up and have a future, and here I was doing all those things without her. I felt incredibly guilty for it, and the guilt only threw me into a state of depression. I went to class, and I slept a lot, but I avoided practice, and I stopped hanging out with my friends. I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I stopped trying.
“My coach was the one to help set me straight. I was just existing because that in and of itself took all the strength I had. He helped me find a therapist, and she truly saved me. I was on a very bleak path, but she helped me sort through my feelings and to move forward from my grief. By the time I was ready to let people back in, I was just embarrassed. I know that’s no excuse, but I felt like you always saw the best parts of me because you brought out the most vibrant version of me. Iwasn’t ready for you to see me as I was still rising from the ashes.”
We are both silent for a while, Andrew giving me the space I need to let everything settle in, and me gladly taking that time.
At the beginning of the summer, Andrew claimed he pushed me away because I reminded him of all the memories we shared together with Rebecca. I’m quickly realizing that was a huge oversimplification of the truth.
