“It was good. I decided not to run this year, so I’ve been interning at a publishing company to make up for the scholarship money I’m losing out on. I overloaded my schedule a bit, but it helped keep me busy.” I stare down at the water, swishing my feet back and forth.
“You’re not running?” He frowns. “You love to run! What happened?”
It almost feels like old times.Almost.Except I have this feeling starting to simmer inside me because things shouldn’t be normal between us, and after a whole nine months of not even speaking to me when we should’ve been able to help each other through the aching pain of our loss, it’s not fair for him to act like things are normal.Is this anger? I’ve never been mad at Andrew before.
“Running just reminded me of Rebecca.” I pause. “Can we go to the beach and skip rocks?”
He looks at me with confusion. “Yeah, I guess. Why?”
“It was a thing Rebecca and I used to do.” I walk to the beach and pick up a stone to skip. “You know, we started running together as conditioning for soccer. Then I grew to like it, and she hated it.” I chuckle as I remember. “One morning I came and woke her up for our run, and she got so mad she threw her pillow at my face. She fell back asleep before I could even give her the pillow back.”
My smile slowly smooths out as I’m reminded of reality. My chin trembles as I hold back tears for the second time in about ten minutes. I knew it’d be hard to come back here, but I wasn’texpecting it to be this hard. All the memories are just flooding back.
“You should’ve still done it.” That’s all he says. He has a glazed-over look in his eye like maybe more thoughts and emotions are going on inside him than he’s willing to share with me right now.
“Why? It just would’ve hurt more. At least this way I’m working toward my future. I’ve always wanted to be an editor. You know that. To get my foot in the door as a freshman is amazing, unheard of.”
“Come on. This isn’t what she would’ve wanted. I know she’s my twin, but you knew her just as well as I did. She would be angry at you right now for giving up running because of her. Rebecca was like the poster child of living your life to the fullest. Do you really think you’re doing that?”
“I am living my life, Andrew! I’m working toward my future, setting myself up for success. I’d say I’m living my life pretty damn well.”
The frustration is turning from a simmer to a boil, and it’s a weird feeling, but I’d prefer this anger over the sadness or betrayal I feel. I can’t believe Andrew’s complete ignorance of me the last nine months after everything we had begun to build before the accident.
“Em, no.”
My heart swells like a balloon at the sound of his nickname for me. No one else calls me Em, and I’ve always loved it. Gosh, I’ve missed him almost as much as I’ve missed Rebecca. I want him to reach out and hold me right now. I want nothing more than to just sit in silence in his warm embrace. That would fix everything. Except it won’t. I don’t reach out to him. Instead, I whisper, “No what?”
A frown washes over his face, and he takes a deep sigh. “I mean you can’t just bury yourself in work. That’s not living. There’s so much more to life. Rebecca diedtrying to show us that. It was a stupid way of doing it, but don’t let that go to waste.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Is that what you’ve been busy doing the last nine months? Living your life? Is that why you completely ignored me when I tried to reach out to you? You were too busy living as if Rebecca never existed, as ifInever existed?!” I see the hurt coming across his face, but I continue. “Aren’t you sad at all that your sister is gone? How can you just move on so quickly and ignore the life you used to have?”
I regret those bitter words as soon as they’re out of my mouth. I know the answer to that question. Of course he missed her, but I can’t take the words back. I stutter, “Andrew, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
Anger sweeps over his face for a second, and then it turns into a look of sadness. “Maybe we need to have this conversation another time when you’ve had some time to sit with everything. But you need to know losing my sister was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. She’s my twin. We shared a womb. She drove me absolutely nuts, but I still loved her. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.” He pauses and takes a step away. “I had my reasons for keeping my distance, and when you’re ready to have an actual conversation, we can talk about them. I’m going to go see if my dad needs help with the grill.”
I want to stop him or follow him, do something to fix this moment. I just can’t. I stand there with a rock in my hand, feet rooted to the ground, watching him walk away. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Now, not only do I have my still-healing wound from Rebecca, but I have a fresh cut from Andrew. Except, I caused this cut. This is my fault, and I have to fix it.
CHAPTER 4
Summer 11
Ican’t wait until 4:30 this afternoon to head over for the annual barbecue. I have so much to tell Rebecca. As the last year progressed, our weekly phone calls became more like every other week due to our busy schedules and our reliance on using our parents’ phones to call one another. I’m excited to see Andrew too, of course, but Rebecca is my best friend. I know I can tell her anything. We talk about boys, soccer, our dysfunctional families, and our hopes and dreams. I’ve never bonded with someone like I have with her, especially not as quickly as we did.
It’s only 2 pm, but I’ve finished unpacking my things, done my arrival chores, and even finished reading my book while waiting to go over. Now, I just can’t wait. I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Martin won’t mind if I show up early.
I flounce off my bed and perfectly place the book I just finished on my bookshelf. I rush down the hall and quietly open the back door. I’m sure if my parents hear me leaving, they will try to stop me or give me even more unnecessary chores. After quietly closing the door behind me, I race down the stairs, across my lawn, and to the Martin’s house. I don’t see Rebeccaor Andrew outside, so I walk around to the far side of their house where Rebecca’s bedroom window is and throw small pebbles from the planters at the window.
We’ve watched rom-coms together and talked about how silly it was to tap rocks on someone’s window, but we both exchanged a look at the end of the conversation that suggested we both secretly thought it was cute, even if it’s cheesy.
I quickly learn it isn’t as easy as it looks to throw pebbles up to her second-floor window, but Andrew’s bedroom is in the basement, much easier to access. I start peeking down the window well to see if his bedroom light is on.Come on, please be home!I see his light and hop down into the well. He’s lying on his bed reading. It warms my heart to see him blissfully occupied with another world. He’s reading one of the books on the list of recommendations I gave him this year.
As I tap twice on the window, he jumps out of his skin. I start laughing while he glares at me but comes over to open his window anyway. “Hey! What’re you doing, scaring me like that?” He shakes his head at me and stifles a chuckle.
“I couldn’t wait anymore to see you guys. I tried to get Rebecca first, but I couldn’t reach her window.”
“Rebecca is with my mom getting a few last-minute groceries for the barbecue. Is there a reason you couldn’t come to the front door and ring the bell?”
“Part of it was an inside joke with Rebecca,” I trail off. “I’m not supposed to be bothering your family before the barbecue, but I wanted to see you guys.”
