But the painful shame I carried, knowing what I knew, and knowing he had no clue had kept me from mending what I’d broken between us.
How would Slay ever forgive me for what I’d done? I knew he wouldn’t. Just as I wouldn’t forgive him for getting my brother into motorcycles and dreaming of becoming a member of a biker club.
If it weren’t for Slay, Josh might still be alive today.
No, that wasn’t totally true. I shook my head as I teared up.
Josh and I had argued. He’d found out what I’d done, or rather, what my mom helped me do. Josh had been angry, so very angry with me…
“Why didn’t you come to me? I’m your older brother. You can depend on me to help you,” Josh said with a severe look of disappointment.
“Helped me how? It’s not like you can rewind time back to when I had unprotected sex.” A sob ripped from my chest. “He can’t find out.”
“Oh, you’re telling him.” Josh paced in front of me. “You don’t lie to people you love.”
“It wasn’t my idea to hide it. Mom set it up and promised nobody would find out.”
“Doesn’t matter. You could have told us.”
He wasn’t wrong. I could have been brave, but I was scared and didn’t know what to do.
“Chris deserves to know.” My brother stopped in front of me. He towered above me, while I sat on my bed. “And if you don’t tell him. I will.”
“You wouldn’t betray me like that.” My heart dropped into my stomach.
“Oh, but it’s okay for you to betray Chris?”
“It’s not like that. Mom said this is a private matter and I don’t ever have to tell anyone,” I said, blubbering like a fool. Those had been her exact words right before I’d gone into the doctor’s office.
“He’s your boyfriend, for Christ’s sake! My best friend! You know, the guy you’re supposed to love!” He grabbed onto his head and bent at the waist like he was going to vomit. “He would want to know.”
“I do love him!” I loved Chris more than anyone else, including my family. “But telling him about this isn’t something I can do.” For goodness sakes. I couldn’t even talk about my period, let alone what I’d just gone through.
“You have a funny way of showing it! Chris isn’t like other guys. He can handle it, Cass. Are you going to tell him, or should I?” He was relentless and went toward my bedroom door.
Josh took loyalty to another level and was passionate about being honest. I believed his high standards for people stemmed from our parents’ divorce and his feeling of abandonment. He’d been the older brother and felt like he had to protect Makayla and me because our father wasn’t around.
But I hadn’t expected his behavior to be unhinged like this over what happened to me.
“It’s not your place to tell him!” I covered my face and bawled my eyes. Maybe if I were older and more confident in my relationship with Chris, I could tell him. But geez. My brother knew how shy I was with most people. “Do you think he’ll break up with me if I tell him?”
“If he does, then he’s not the right guy for you.”
That wasn’t the response I wanted to hear. How could I risk losing Chris?
“Please, Josh. Don’t say anything,” I begged my brother with everything inside me.
I loved Chris with every cell in my body. We were planning to get married right after I graduated high school. He was saving money to get us a place. We were going to be together forever. Why did he need to know what I went through?
“So, you’re not going to tell him?”
Without looking at him, I shook my head. Not today.
Maybe not ever, but I couldn’t think about it now. I was recovering from the procedure, and Mom wouldn’t let me out of the house for a few more days. And telling Chris over the phone would be awkward.
Although, I wouldn’t have to see his face so maybe that was an option.
The next thing I heard was the slamming of the front door and his motorcycle roaring to life…
