“That’s not what… I’m saying it all wrong, Harley! I thought you, of all people, could understand what I mean when I’m spouting utter crap!”
I lifted my hands. “I’m not a fucking genius, Caroline. I try, but sometimes I need you to say what you actually mean.”
She stood up, glaring at me, her hands landing on those shapely hips of hers.
“I’m saying I like you! I’m saying I want to try with you, because it’syou. I’m saying that I never wanted a man like this before, when I knew I could actually take the risk, and be safe and protected, and maybe even loved one day! I may not say the right words, but the meaning behind all the jibber jabber is pure.” Like her. Was I really considering getting with a virgin? The last time I was someone’s first, I got her pregnant.
“Are you even on birth control, Caroline?”
Her cheeks reddened, and she looked away from me.
“Yes. I had an implant fitted… not just in case of sex, but… for other reasons.”
I didn’t push her for those other reasons, but thank god she was more prepared than two stupid kids had been. Condoms, for the record, don’t always fucking work. Especially when you’re a dumbass who doesn’t know what he’s doing, and thinks tearing the pack open with his teeth is smart. FYI, you can tear a hole in the condom that way, and I learned that the hard way.
“Harley?”
She was watching me again, those keen brown eyes on mine, but I had no idea what she was seeing.
“I want you to be my first.”
Fuck me.
Caroline
IT WAS TERRIFYING, AND yet empowering as well. Was I afraid? Of course! I was afraid of most things, so the thought of sex, of intimacy, was making my heart thud in my chest, and my hands tremble. Kissing had been so good though, so arousing, so intense. I’d felt pride in myself for doing what I never thought I would. I’d realised that, if I could do that, I could do all of it.
That’s why it was urgent. Why it had to be now. For this night, at least, I was brave. I had the courage to try, and he was right here. The one man I’d noticed that first day I randomly selected his business when I had a problem with my motorcycle.
Maybe I’d visited at times with non-existent issues, or non-urgent ones, at least, just so I could see him. If I closed my eyes and pictured myself doing anything with a man, it was always him. Ever since that first meeting.
“Caroline, you’re killing me, sweetheart.”
I lifted my chin, nervous energy rushing through my body, through my veins. Need following closely behind. You get to my age, suppressing so much of these natural bodily functions and needs, and it becomes overpowering.
“Now.”
Harley blinked, standing up and moving around the table to cup my chin, urging it up, so he could look into my eyes. Was his hand trembling too? Or was it just my own shivers reverberating through his touch?
“I feel like you’re pushing yourself to do this tonight, for some reason. What’s going on? There’s no rush. We can get to know each other, and when the time’s right-”
“Now’s the right time. It’s now. It has to be.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Because now’s the time you’re feeling able to ask for it?”
“See? Youcanread me. I… I’ve been afraid of all of these things for so long. Touching, kissing… all of it. You’ve… I feel like you’ve lifted the pressure, making it easier for me to take the step. It’s all you, Harley. I wouldn’t want this if it wasn’t you.”
“Jesus, Caroline.” He cupped my face in both hands and rested his forehead against mine.
“Don’t… don’t you want to?”
He groaned. “It’s all I fucking want, Caroline. I’m just afraid that you’ll regret it later, and I desperately don’t wanna be something you end up regretting.”
“How could I ever regret being with you? You’re the sweetest, kindest man I’ve ever met!”
Harley winced, but he didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure what was bugging him about that statement, but I was done waiting for him to agree.
I pulled away from him, and lifted my chin, forcing him to see me as strong, and not pathetic for once.
