“Yes, but…” I trail off. “I’m afraid. What if you think I'm hideous?”
“I’m not that shallow. I like you. I like your voice and how you talk, and what you say. And sure, maybe I can’t see the finer details when we meet in the dark, but from what I've touched of you, I like. I can tell you’re tall and big and strong.”
In any other situation, his words would make me blush, but now, I panic.
“You're right,” Jude continues. “I don't know the whole you, and you don't know the whole me. We don't know the faces that we put up to the rest of the world. But we know the truest parts of each other, and I think that's what matters, because I'm certain that I like you, and it would be nice to see your face, your smile, and the way you laugh.”
I want it. I want it as much as he does. I want to see him flush when I say something dirty or how his lashes move when he shuts his eyes seconds before kissing my neck.
He gave me that hickey. He gave me that hickey, and he pointed it out the next day in maths class.
I swallow. “Maybe,” I reply. “I want to, I really do. But I don't think I'm ready yet, and I hope you understand.”
“Okay,” he says. “Of course I understand. I don’t want to pressure you. I suspect half the reason I’m coming up with these crazy, probably illogical ideas is because I’m desperate to see you again.” He laughs self-deprecatingly.
“I want to see you again, too,” I say. “And maybe we can continue this conversation in person.”
When that happens, I’ll have to shut this down and end it all before it turns into a disaster. If I’m not careful, Jude might convince me that revealing our identities is a good idea.
“I’ve been thinking of an idea,” I say.
“Yeah?”
“The first time we met was at a party. Maybe we could meet at one again? I don't know if you've heard, but this girl in our year is having an 18th.”
“I’ve heard about it,” Jude replies. “Mimi, right? It’s a good idea, but I don’t think I’m invited.”
“You will be invited,” I say firmly. “The whole year level will be.”
I don’t mention that I’ll make sure of it.
“We’ll see,” Jude replies, sounding sceptical. “But if I am invited, then yeah, we can do that. Although we both hate parties, remember?”
I smile, recalling how we first met.
“Yeah,” I say. “But I would go for you.”
15
Jude: I'll Do Anything You Want
Mimi’s house is modern and rectangular, made of stone, glass and concrete, surrounded by a lush green garden. Mum’s lips are pursed as she looks at Mimi’s home through the window of her car. I expected her to forbid me from going to this party, but the weirdness I mentioned to R has continued. Mum hasn’t asked to check my phone, and while she hasn’t been talking to me a lot, when she has, she’s almost…nice.
As if she feels guilty.
On the front lawn, a girl shrieks as her boyfriend swings her around. They look happy, but thankfully not wasted. I don’t want Mum to change her mind.
“Thanks for driving me,” I say, patting down my jeans to make sure I have my phone and house keys.
“Don’t get up to any trouble,” she says.
“I won’t.”
“And be safe,” she adds.
I pause, then give her a small smile, so fast that I can deny it if I have to. “I will. Bye, Mum.” I start down the stone pathway that leads to the massive house. Behind me, Mum’s car engine rumbles as she drives away, and I exhale.
Mimi stands at the entrance of the house, greeting people. She’s wearing a glittery blue dress that resembles a midnight sky, and her eyes are smoky with black and grey eyeshadow. Next to her is Lily, in a floral-patterned pink dress, her hair pinned back on either side with a butterfly pin.
