“Hello,” I say after picking up.
“Hi.”
His voice is quiet like it was every other time we talked, and it’s different enough from Jude’s normal voice for me not to immediately recognise it.
“I hope you can hear me clearly,” he continues. “I’m being more quiet than usual because I don’t want my Mum to catch me. Things have been weird between us recently.”
That's right, F’s mum — Jude's mum — is Ms Seymour. He confided all those personal stories about his family with the belief I’d never be able to put a face to the names, but now I know who the mum in his story is. I know what happened to Jude’s sister and — shit, now I know that Ms Seymour was the principal of their school. Was she forced to expel her own daughter? Did Winona embarrass her in front of her colleagues?
With a pang, I think of how defensive and closed-off Jude was when we had that pizza dinner. Everything makes sense.
“Yeah,” I say now, “I can hear you fine.” I shouldn’t ask about it or pry, but I say, “what do you mean, things have been weird?”
“My mum asked to check my phone a few days ago, and I refused and started a mini argument, and since then, she’s been leaving me alone. It’s strange. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anyway — I’m not sure what we’re going to do about the room.”
“Maybe there's another place in school?” I suggest.
“I thought about that,” Jude replies, “but when we were first trying to find somewhere to meet up, the storage closet was the only good option.”
“That’s annoying,” I say. “I guess there's always somewhere out of school, but every option I think of feels sketchy.”
“What are you thinking?” Jude replies. “A public toilet or something?”
“Yeah, not really romantic, is it?” I wince. I shouldn’t have used that word.
But Jude laughs softly, and the familiarity of it warms my heart for a beat. “Listen,” he begins, tone turning serious.
Oh shit. What is he going to say? Has he figured out who I am?
“Yeah?” I say.
“I’ve been thinking….” He sounds shy. Jude almost never sounds shy. “We've been talking and meeting for a while now, and we know so much about each other and trust each other, right?”
I swallow. It feels like there's something stuck in my throat. I can’t agree. I can't sayyou can trust me. Because I'm lying to him, and even though I'm doing it for his sake, and yes, for mine too, I’m still deceiving him, and I know it.
“What are you saying?” I say.
“Have you ever wondered about who I am? My actual name and my identity and what I look like? I mean, of course, you have. Surely? I've thought about yours, even though I try not to. I know at the start of this, we agreed to be anonymous, but everything would be easier if we knew who the other person was, and, you know, maybe we could do other things together instead of just meeting in a dark room.”
My heart pounds. I push myself out of bed and start pacing; otherwise, fear and adrenaline will burn up my limbs.
“Are you still there?” Jude asks when I haven't responded.
“I’m here,” I reply. “I’m just thinking. Of course I've thought about it, and you're right, it would make things a lot easier. But...I'm afraid.”
“Of what?”
“So many things. What if you take one look at me, and you’re completely repulsed?”
"I won't be," Jude says.
“But think about it,” I insist. “There are only so many people in our year level, so we’ve probably crossed paths at school. What if we hate each other in real life? Or what if you think I’m really annoying? Or what if I think you’re annoying in real life?”
“I understand what you mean,” Jude says. “The truth is, I'm not the nicest person to people at school, and if we've interacted, then I've probably been… not the friendliest with you. But I’m hoping you don’t care because I don’t care who you are. I know the real you.”
He’s so earnest it kind of makes me want to scream. I feel trapped, and I don’t know how to get out. “How do you know that?” I reply. “How do you know that I haven’t lied about everything? I could’ve been pretending, putting on an act. You have no way of knowing.”
“Maybe not.” He’s infuriatingly calm. “But I trust you. And I can tell you that I’ve told the truth. I promise.”
