“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry for hurting you. I don’t think I’ve said that before. But I am. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit over the years, but what I did to you might be the worst. Even if I’m glad I did it. You deserve the best, Kelly. The fucking best.”
I forgot how to breathe, which was incredibly inconvenient because it turned out I needed oxygen to make my brain think of some sort of intelligible response. “No, it’s, uh... I get it... er, I mean, obviously I was... that is to say, it sucked, but I... now things are... um...”
He leaned in, and for one heart-stopping second, I thought he would kiss me. I thought his mouth was going to crash against mine, and he was going to kiss away the chaotic rambling I couldn’t seem to turn off. His mouth was so close. I could feel his body heat wrapping around my bare arms and neck. I could smell him—whiskey and limes and oranges and the faintest sweetness of mint.
But then he pressed against the push bar to the metal door, and I nearly tumbled to my ass at the surprise movement behind me. He wasn’t going to kiss me. He was just opening the door for me.
Oh my God, what is wrong with you, Ada?
“See you Tuesday, Ade.”
My mouth made sounds that I desperately hoped sounded like goodbye. But I was too flustered and thrown off and confused to really make much of an effort at using real words. I needed to get home stat.
I felt Charlie’s gaze on me the entire block as I hurried up the sidewalk and across the street. I threw myself in my building and stood pressed against the community mailboxes while I tried to catch my breath.
Charlie had apologized for all our past hurt, which should be enough. I should feel so good about that. I wanted to heal the brokenness between us if it meant he was taking responsibility for his actions. I loved seeing real growth in him. I had known since I met him that he was capable of so much. He just had to get out of his own way first.
But I had not expected the something sticky and warm to spread across my chest and tingle all the way to my fingers and toes. I had not expected to lean in and close my eyes when I thought he was going to kiss me.And for me to want it.
I had not expected to get over my years of bitterness and fury with one mature apology and puppy eyes.
Charlie and I could be friends. It would certainly make the bar a better place.
We probably should be friends, actually. For everyone’s sake. Friends. Sure. Fine. Great.I could do friends.
six
The following Saturday,I looked around at my empty apartment and felt the crushing realization that things were officially not going according to plan. Well, according to my plan. Everyone else’s plans seemed to be working out just great.
There was a level of disappointment that felt normal. I loved living with Adleigh. I loved having someone to come home to and share my night with. I loved how she would sometimes wait up for me just so she could hear the bar gossip or share a snack with me. I loved our little downtown life with our Pilates and fav brunch spots and the way we would spend Sundays window-shopping. I had loved helping her with homework and watching her relationship with Shane bloom from the front row.
So that she was moving out and away from me was sad. And that was normal.
But the extra layer of disappointment, the one that felt more insidious than it should, was a surprise. I wasn’t just disappointed I was losing my sister; I was disappointed I was losing my entire life so she could live hers. She got to move in with Shane in his apartment close to Duke—which was full of antique charm and original woodwork—and I’d had to beg for a lease agreement extension, pay half the new rent to make sure I could have more time, and still end up moving.
I’d been looking everywhere for something affordable in this area, and unless I quit caring about my safety or health, there just wasn’t an option. I could get a roommate, but that was hard too. All my friends were in serious relationships, and I didn’t want to end up right back where I started when they inevitably moved in together or got married.
I could probably use a few more friends so the pool of options was larger. But that was a problem for a different day.
Will had promised I could start making more money, but that was only when and if they went ahead with opening a second location. Which might be in six months. Or it might be never.
I had enough money in savings to float me for a bit, but I didn’t want to throw it all away because I was indecisive. And honestly, the economy was bad for everyone, not just apartment owners. So I was pissed my rent was going up anyway.
Adleigh was officially moving out today. Most of the furniture and necessities were mine because she’d always been in school. But the whole place felt emptier without her odds and ends. She’d packed up her books, including her extensive romantic fantasy collection I loved to borrow. Her kitchen gadgets were gone. Her room was empty as well as the bathroom she used. There was no pile of shoes by the door or empty dishes in the sink. She’d even deleted her profile on my Hulu account so I didn’t have to look at it.
She’d been trying to be considerate, but it made my chest ache.Alone again.
Shane had apologized for taking her away from me at least thirty times today. I clearly wasn’t keeping my emotions as hidden as I wanted to believe. But Adleigh was just like this apartment. I could hold her if I really tried, if I really dug in my heels and demanded my way, but it would only be a temporary solution.
Adleigh would eventually leave no matter what. Of course, she’d have to move on with her life. Of course, there were bigger things for her than living with me. But I made space for the grief in her absence. And the grief in this changing season.
I could be all the way happy for her. And I could be all the way sad for me. And that was the beauty of being an emotionally complex human being. We were never just one thing or one feeling or one thought. We were an infinite possibility of every emotion. Good or bad or a blend of both.
Adleigh walked into the apartment and immediately faceplanted on the couch. “I’m so tired.” She winced, her voice muffled by the cushion. “I can’t move.”
“Who knew you had so much crap?” I collapsed on the loveseat and put my feet up. “Do you need help moving it in at Shane’s?”
