“Are you going to tell your parents?” I sounded small. I sounded terrified.
“You mean do what you should have done seven years ago?” It was my turn to flinch. “Please get out of my truck, Ruby. I want to leave now.”
I obliged this time, scurrying down from the cab and finding shelter on my deck. He peeled away immediately, kicking up dust and gravel in his wake. I crawled inside the trailer and threw myself on my bed, not even bothering to wash my face.
I buried myself in pillows and blankets and cried until I felt sick, until I had nothing left to shed. It wasn’t just for the unearthing of my secrets and Max’s dad. It was for the past, for seven years ago when I’d found something surprising with Levi and then slept with his brother. It was for giving something to Logan that I could never get back. It was for losing Logan only months later and for seven years of not knowing what to do or if I was doing the right thing or how to even be a mom.
It was for Max and for all the things he would never have because he didn’t have a dad. It was for my lost future because I’d gotten the gift of Max instead. It was for losing Levi—seven years ago and tonight all over again.
It was for a hundred thousand things I couldn’t even name. I’d made so many mistakes in my life. And I was only now realizing that some of them weren’t forgivable. Seven years ago, that might not have mattered to me.
But tonight, it did.
Tonight, losing Levi was the hardest thing I’d had to face yet.
19
Fight or Flight
Days went by before I saw Levi again. I even bummed his phone number from Jamie and found the courage to text him. Three different times.
Still no word.
He never stopped by the diner. I never saw him running or picking something up at the hardware store. He didn’t pop up in any of the random places he’d been showing up for weeks now.
He’d just disappeared.
It was like seven years ago when he left for family vacation and never came back.
My chest cavity felt hollow, devoid of the heart that had only just begun to beat. Every morning I took my temperature, convinced I was coming down with the flu, only to have to face the reality that this was what rejection felt like. My bones ached, and my stomach was always upset. My eyes were always bloodshot and my face always puffy from tears.
I was simultaneously dreading talking to him and desperately wishing I could lock him in a room and force another conversation.
I hadn’t said anything to Max, but he could tell something was up. He was listening even better than usual and constantly giving me extra cuddles. He made me realize something in his sweetness, something I didn’t know if I would admit to Levi if he asked me.
But the truth was, I wouldn’t have changed anything. I would have kept Max a secret all over again if given the chance. My secrecy probably pissed off the entire Cole family or hurt their feelings or whatever and part of me felt bad about that. But the stronger voice inside me said I did the right thing for my son and that was all that mattered.
I could admit that I trusted Levi, that now that he was back in town there was a part of me that had wanted to share the truth with him. I would have rather done that on my terms… but that’s not what happened. Anyway, I didn’t hate that Levi knew Max was his nephew—no matter how that left things for Levi and me.
But Levi had been gone for seven years. And if the truth would have come out back then, I would have been left to deal with his parents. By myself.
And I wouldn’t have had any help. I couldn’t count on my mom. And Coco only just returned herself.
If they had wanted to fight for Max, they would have won. I was his mom, and fine that counted for something, but I knew how this world worked and they had the money.
And the connections.
And the power.
So, Levi could be mad all he wanted, but I knew without a doubt I’d done the right thing.
I felt great for all of three seconds and then “How Do I Live”by LeAnn Rimes came through the diner speakers and I felt like stomping my foot in protest. I didn’t, because I was a grown-up, but I felt like it.
“Y’all right, sugar?” Rosie asked when I brought a bucket full of dishes behind the counter. “For a moment there I thought you were going to throw those plates against the wall.” She looked off in the distance and added, “Wouldn’t have been the first time that’s happened, mind you. But it’s a hell of a mess to clean up.”
My lips lifted, and I was surprised to find myself smiling. It was small, barely there, but it was there. “I might have thought about it for a split second,” I admitted. “But then I realized I’d be the one cleaning it up and decided it did not sound appealing.”
She laughed before going over to the pie display and pulling a piece of chocolate silk from inside. “Must be man trouble then.” She motioned to the stools on the other side of the counter. “Sit down and tell me about it.”
