“How do you know?” Levi grated out. He knew Max was Logan’s. He’d already said he’d seen the similarities the first time he met my son. So, I saw his question for what it was—absolute confirmation. He wanted the details. He wanted all the reasons to hate me.
“It was graduation night,” I explained. Levi went still again, his muscles turning to stone, his mouth pressed into a tight frown, his eyes forward, on the double wide I’d called home my entire life. “He was my first,” I breathed out. “And my last for a very long time.”
“After I kissed you?” Levi asked in a quiet voice.
I didn’t want to answer this question, not after everything that had happened that night, not after everything that had happened since he’d come back to town.
“You had a girlfriend,” I defended weakly. “I thought… I assumed you were messing with me. And I had a crush on Logan. I’d had a crush on him for so long I was convinced I was in love with him. He was… he was an easy guy to fall for.”
“Unlike me,” Levi bit out, a harsh laugh following.
“You had a girlfriend,” I repeated. “We were at her party.”
“I broke up with her that night!” he exploded back. “I left you for a minute, to end it with her. When I went back you weren’t there, but I didn’t think you… I didn’t think you would… I tried to call you all summer.Goddamn it, Ruby.”
I turned my head, so he wouldn’t see the tears pooling in my lashes. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands went numb. God, this was too much. “It was too late by that point,” I whispered.
Levi’s voice dropped. “Did you sleep with him to spite me?”
“No!” I spun around to face him, not even thinking about how terrifying he was or how desperately I wanted this conversation to be over. “No. It had nothing to do with you. He’s… he’s the whole reason I went that night. I just… God, this is humiliating.”
“Say it, Ruby. Explain it to me.”
Fuck. “I wanted to sleep with him, okay? I was in a weird headspace. I was having this stupid existential crisis where I felt like I’d completely wasted my high school years being careful and focused and I just wanted to do something reckless. Something fun. When you told me Logan was going to be there, I saw this opportunity to rescue my youth. I wanted to be spontaneous.”
He let out a shaky breath. “Only you would consider planning out how to lose your virginity spontaneous.”
I bit my lip, wanting to argue, but also knowing he was right. “I never meant to kiss you that night.” He flinched at my words and I scrambled, desperate to take away the sting of truth. “Levi, I didn’t know you liked me. Not like that. I mean, by that point I knew you didn’t hate me… but I also never expected you to have feelings for me.” I cleared my throat. “Or to still have feelings for me.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Did you love him?”
Logan. He wanted to know if I loved his brother.
What was the truth? What should I tell him?
The truth of course, but it wasn’t that simple. Finally, I said, “No. I mean, I thought I did. I don’t think I would have given that piece of me away unless I really believed I was in love with him. But I know I wasn’t now. I did have feelings for him. I respected him. I thought the world of him. But I didn’t love him.”
“How do you know?” His question was so fragile, so utterly breakable, that my chest ached in response.
More truth. More history I had never wanted to give up. “Because he died, Levi. He died, and I wasn’t heartbroken. Yes, I mourned him for you and your family and I felt the loss of a friend. But we weren’t even good friends. He was just this nice guy that I kind of liked. Don’t get me wrong, I mourned for Max, for the baby I had inside me that would never know his dad. But I feel like if I loved him, I would have mourned for myself too. I would have felt this great brokenness from losing him. And I just… don’t.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell my parents? That’s what I don’t get. They could have helped you. They could have helped Max. Not to mention how fucking selfish it is to keep a part of my brother from them. From us.”
“That’s why,” I whispered, the words ripped out of my heart painfully. “Look at me, Levi. Look at where I live. Look at who my mom is. I was afraid they’d take him from me. I was terrified they’d take one look at me and do whatever it took to gain custody of my son. And I…” My voice broke and traitorous tears wet my cheeks. “And I couldn’t risk losing him. He’s all I’ve ever had.”
I couldn’t look at Levi, so I had no idea what his expression said or if he was still angry or just hurt or what. Now that the tears had started, I couldn’t turn them off. They fell in giant drops of regret and humiliation and fear.
How had a night that started off so great turned into this?
And what hurt the most, that I was even afraid to admit to myself, was the loss of Levi. I’d ruined everything between us. Everything that was so new and young I didn’t even know what to call it.
It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. This was why I wanted to keep Levi at a distance. This was why I’d wanted to keep Max a secret. Because I couldn’t survive Levi’s rejection. I wasn’t going to be able to take his judgment on me. This was too much. This hurt too much.
I wanted his smile again. I wanted his intense gazes and teasing words. I wanted the Levi that had just been changing me from the inside out with his pursuit of me and those delicious kisses.
This was how I knew I didn’t love Logan, because he had died, and it had never felt as bad as this—as bad as losing the prospect of Levi, as bad as losing his trust and friendship and sweet, gentle smiles.
“I need to think,” he finally said, his voice gruff with emotion and anger. “I need to go.”
