Levi started the movie, grabbed a plate of pizza from the kitchen and took a seat on the smaller loveseat next to us. “Where’s your mom?” he asked as the beginning credits rolled.A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
“Working,” I told him.
“She’s still at Misty’s?”
I couldn’t tell if his tone was genuine surprise or total judgment, but I pretended not to notice either. “She loves it there. I don’t get it either, believe me. But she’s been there for so long, I don’t think she can imagine doing anything else.”
“Huh…”
“The late nights are starting to catch up to her though. The job is hard on her in general. I’d love to see her do something else, but I don’t think she’ll ever give it up.” Not that she could if she wanted to. She was already fifty and it wasn’t like the job market in Clark City was booming.
But what did that mean for her future? How would she take care of herself if she ever lost her job at Misty’s?
How would she ever retire? I was pretty confident Misty’s didn’t offer a 401K.
Although, to be fair, I didn’t know that for sure.
I would have to live here forever, I realized. She was helping me now, taking care of me in her own way, I supposed. But it wouldn’t be long before she needed me to help her, take care of her.
A cold, stifling feeling washed over me, like an underground crypt that had only just been opened after centuries of being sealed. I was never leaving this trailer. I was born here, and I was going to die here.
And probably drag Max down with me.
I glanced at Levi’s profile and doubted my life choices all over again. He had leaned forward, elbows on his bent knees, uneaten pizza dangling from one hand as he explained the answers to Max’s one million questions about the movie.
By the time we finished eating, Max was completely engrossed in the story. He’d stretched out on the couch with his feet on my legs and his head as close to the TV as the couch would allow him. I found myself yawning, but it was obvious this movie was life-changing for my son.
WhenA New Hopeended, Max begged long enough and hard enough that I caved for theEmpire Strikes Back.How could I not? Especially when Levi joined in.
“He’s going to be obsessed,” I murmured to Levi around the time Yoda was riding on Luke’s back through a tangled forest. “I’m blaming you.”
Levi looked up at me from underneath his thick lashes and said, “He’s supposed to be obsessed with it. All boys are.”
“You liked it as a kid?”
“Are you kidding me? Logan and I would have lightsaber fights around the farm every single day. When I was a little older than Max, my dad even let us turn the haystacks into a death star. We nearly had the entire trilogy memorized.”
“Let me guess, you played Luke Skywalker?”
He snorted a laugh. “Yeah, right. Logan always made me be Darth Vader. He needed a nemesis. I had the, ‘Luke, I am your father!’ line down perfectly.”
I could easily imagine an eleven-year-old version of Levi bellowing out the famous line as he chased his older brother all over his family farm. The two of them would have been terrors together.
“Were you and Logan always close?” I asked him quietly, suddenly mourning the loss of a sibling for my son. He would never have a brother or sister to run around with. I’d shut that door a long time ago and while I thought I’d made peace with it, listening to Levi reminisce cracked fissures in my surety.
“Always,” Levi confirmed. “I can’t imagine a better brother. Yeah, we fought sometimes and there are some things he did that I find hard to forgive him for. But his heart was always in the right place. And he was always there for me.”
“What do you find hard to forgive him for?” The Logan I remembered didn’t do things that caused permanent damage. He was always thoughtful. He always went out of his way to make things right. It was how I knew he would have been an excellent dad for Max. He and I didn’t need a relationship for me to know he would have shown up for our son. Every single day. Just like he’d been there for Levi.
“Dying, for one,” Levi grumbled. “He shouldn’t have left us.”
Hot tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. I felt the truth of Levi’s words cut to my heart. Yes, they were true for Max, but I also felt them for Levi.
“You were another reason I had a hard time forgiving him,” he said.
I looked up to find his glittering green gaze already on me. My breath stuck in my throat and I couldn’t find words to ask him what he meant.
Me, because he was my first? Did Levi know?
