I finally gave him a wobbly smile. “I would never.”
“You’ll wait for me?”
“Forever,” I promised. “I would wait for you forever.”
He leaned in, his eyes glistening in a way that I hadnever seen before. “I love you, Caroline. More than anything.”
My chest pinched painfully. “I love you too.” I had tosniffle hard to hold back stupid tears.“More than anything.”
His smile broke. “Stop trying to one-up me.”
I just shook my head at him, not able to muster theenergy to joke around. My stomach churned and I knew I was going to be sick.
“I should go.”
His face fell. “Oh, right. Yeah, I guess you probablyshould. You’ll be back though?”
I pressed a kiss to his lips, braving the wrath of theguards. “As soon as possible,” I promised.
“I neednudeypics next timeyou come. Maybe a whole book of them.”
“Why don’t you see what you can do about one of thoseconjugal visits, hmm? I feel like that’s the natural next step here. Not anentire book of me naked. Pretty sure you would getshivedfor it and then my poor naked self would start a prison riot.”
His head tipped back and he laughed. The sound was theSayer-before-prison laugh. I soaked up every second. “Someone’s awfully cocky.”
I winked at him. “Just calling it like I see it.”
A warning that our time was up came over the speakers.I threw my arms around him one last time, pressing into him as closely aspossible. His strong arms were around my back, squeezing me just as tightly.
“I hate that this goodbye feels so permanent,” Iwhispered against his neck.
“It’s not,” he said to my temple. “This is forever,Caro.”
“Promise?”
“Always.”
We finally said goodbye for real. It was the hardestthing I had ever done. There had been so much I hadn’t told him, so much heneeded to know.
The trip home was only supposed to take a little over threehours. It took me four and a half because I had to keep pulling over to puke.By the time I got back to my apartment, I was exhausted, my throat was raw andmy emotions were all over the place.
I hadn’t told him.
Part of me knew why I couldn’t. That ugly, smelly,scary visitation room was the very last place to make that kind ofannouncement. Plus, I wasn’t even sure it was safe to tell him in there. Ifthere were Italians everywhere, then they would be looking for any way tocontrol him… to hurt him. And it seemed like a pregnant girlfriend on theoutside was a pretty great way.
Pregnant.
I still couldn’t believe it. It was impossible to wrapmy head around.
Last night I’d stood in front of the mirror for a goodhour trying to decide if Sayer would be able to tell or not. Would he see thesmall swell of my belly? Or the greenish tint to my skin? Would he notice thatmy boobs were bigger? Or that my hips had flared?
If he had, he hadn’t indicated anything today.
Now I didn’t know what to do or how to tell him. Hey,you’re going to be a dad! sounded a little contrived. Plus, there was thereality that he wouldn’t even really get to know the child until after he gotout. In seven to ten years.
Oh my God, how was this even my life?
I practically crawled up the stairs to my apartment. Ilived with Frankie, but I didn’t think she’d be home yet. She had a dinner withher uncles and those usually went late.
