He wanted to start a family, but I already had one.
He wanted a wife, but I had already been one.
Ben wanted a fairytale, but I had been living in a nightmare.
We couldn’t work for much longer. So what then?
My blood turned to ice as I tried to process my life without Ben now. I couldn’t do it.
When Grady was first diagnosed, I had lots of horrible thoughts about what it would be like to lose him. Throughout his treatment and as the brain cancer worsened, I would often find time to simply sit and picture my life without my husband in it.
They weren’t pleasant thoughts by any means and they mostly left me furious and feeling lost. But eventually, I had to come to terms with those thoughts becoming reality.
Now, as I did the same thing and imagined my future as a single woman again… I couldn’t do it. My brain refused to picture my life without Ben in it.
My heart started pounding as I struggled to force myself back to those dark months when Grady was gone and I had no help, no hope and nothing to look forward to.
They must have traumatized me too much, because my conscious mind refused to go there. I laughed a little hysterically. It was crazy to think that Ben could have such an impact on me and my family.
I cared about him, but I didn’t love him like I loved Grady. I didn’t love him at all.
Right…?
“Mom, I can’t get this stupid thing on!” Abby called from upstairs, shaking me out of my spiraling confusion.
“Don’t put it on!” I shouted at her. “You’ll never fit in the car!” I ran up the stairs before she could rip apart her spring play costume and caught it halfway over her head. “We’ll throw it on as soon as we get there,” I panted as I tried to wrestle her out of the awkward costume. “Besides, isn’t it hot?”
“Duh,” she groaned. “It’s the sun.”
I pressed my lips together and failed at holding back a laugh. “And what a beautiful sun it is.”
She crossed her eyes at me until I tweaked her nose. Suddenly, she was thoughtful, “Do you think Mr. Hoya is punishing me for making him so mad this year?”
I leveled her with my best motherly gaze and prepared to say something inspiring. Instead, the truth came out, “It’s a very real possibility, Kiddo.”
She sighed, “I can’t wait for summer.”
“You and me both.”
Ben showed up five minutes later and helped me pack the kids into the minivan. Abby had won the non-speaking part of the happy sun while Blake had been given a more prestigious part. He had been cast as the poky little puppy in the elementary school’s rendition ofThe Poky Little Puppy.
We had been practicing lines for a month now. He was always confident and relaxed, but tonight he was obviously nervous. And I was just as nervous for him.
My heart clenched wishing that Grady could be here. Blake needed someone to give him some encouraging words. I didn’t count. Whatever I said was ignored because, well, I was the mom. And I needed Grady to be here to get me through this night. Both of my kids would be on stage. This seemed like something their father should see.
Ben dropped the older kids and me off at the door because we were running a little late- no surprise. I rushed them backstage, gave them big kisses in front of all of their friends and left them to the charge of teachers who got paid to yell at my kids.
“Hi, Liz,” a mom from Blake’s class stopped me in the hallway by putting her hand on my forearm.
I jerked to a stop. “Hi, Melissa,” I smiled at her. Blake and her son, Tanner, were good friends. A year ago, she’d had Blake over several times in an effort to help me out and distract Blake from his grief. Blake couldn’t be distracted and every time she saw me, I had been a walking train wreck. The playdates had stopped over the summer.
I hadn’t talked to her all year.
“How are you?” Melissa asked in that nasally, dragging tone people think sounds sympathetic.
“I’m alright,” I answered honestly. “How are you and the family doing?”
“Oh, we’re good,” she smiled brightly. “Tanner is so excited for summer. I can hardly get him to focus on homework!”
