But I did.
The breath left my lungs. Why hadn’t I thought this through before now? I had asked Ben to be with me today because I knew I needed him. But now it seemed…wrong.
I couldn’t help the feelings of guilt and shame that bubbled over me. I’d made a huge mistake. And there was nothing I could do about it now.
Ben’s hand landed between my shoulder blades where he rubbed a soothing path. I relaxed some but that only irritated me more.
“Who’s your friend, Liz?” Trevor demanded with harsh eyes and a firm mouth.
A sickness rolled through me. I closed my eyes and steeled my courage. “This is Ben, Trevor. He’s a good friend. Ben, this is my brother-in-law, Trevor and my mother-in-law, Katherine.”
Ben stuck out his hand and greeted them politely. They did not seem charmed.
After an hour of standing in the drizzle, mostly silent with our own thoughts, we decided to go for some lunch. I chose a kid friendly place that the adults could enjoy too.
The meal was spent remembering Grady, sharing our memories and tears once again. We talked for the first time of details about the funeral. I realized that all of us had been in a daze during that time period, going through the motions, but not mentally present. Among us we were able to piece together a lot of the details and some really great moments from that time. The kids were wild, wound up after a subdued morning, but we didn’t mind their chaos. In fact, it broke the last of the graveside tension.
The peace only lasted until Ben excused himself for the restroom. He had been silent throughout the meal, taking in our conversation with thoughtful attentiveness. His hand had rested on the back of my chair throughout lunch and when he left, I felt his absence more than I should have.
“How did you meet, Ben?” Katherine asked softly. “I’ve never heard you speak of him before.”
Trevor glared at me while I answered, “He’s my neighbor. He moved in early September and over the last six months we’ve become very good friends.”
Trevor grunted derisively. I gave him a pleading look, begging him to understand that my actions weren’t done out of disrespect to his brother or lack of love. I had needs too. I had lonely places inside of me that needed afriend, thatneeded someone to care about me.
“He’s very nice, Liz,” Katherine smiled at me. “I’m glad you have someone you can lean on.”
I jerked back, surprised by her gracious reply. “Me too,” I whispered.
Katherine paid for lunch even though I tried to convince her to let me. She waved me off, not caring how much more right I had than she.
We parted ways in the parking lot. I hugged both Katherine and Trevor, warning him to be nice. He growled at me.
I couldn’t help but laugh. That was so Trevor. And like Katherine said at Christmas, he was treating me like family, like I was his little sister and he was my overprotective big brother. Or like the brother of my dead husband. Either way, his concern made me feel loved.
Emma helped the kids into the house while I walked Ben to the edge of the garage. I had a lot of time to think today and more time than usual to spend with Ben.
He stepped close to me, shielding me from the biting drops of cold rain. I let him invade my personal space, completely used to it by now. When he turned to me and said, “Go out with me, Liz. It’s okay for you to move on now.”
I finally agreed with him. I didn’t know if it was visiting the grave and once again realizing how empty it was, how far gone Grady was from me or if it was that I realized today I didn’t want to be without Ben. I didn’t know what my feelings for him meant or how deeply they went, but I did know they mattered to me in a profound way.
He mattered to me in a way I couldn’t ignore anymore.
“Okay,” I whispered.
The smile that broke out across his face made my stomach flutter and my skin buzz with anticipation. “Okay?”
I nodded, “Yes.”
He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, leaned down and kissed my cheek. “Get a sitter for Friday.”
I watched him walk away, baffled by his words and his attitude. I always expected him to treat me as though Iwerefragile… thin glass that would shatter with just the slightest bit of pressure, but he never did. He pushed me beyond being delicate, into a place I had never thought I would go again. He made me strong. He demanded that I be anything but weak and broken.
Which might have been the reason I finally said yes.
But oh, god.I said yes.
The happy feelings were replaced with absolute panic. I had a date.
