We left the house wide open and carried our towels barefoot across the lawn. Ben’s house stood completely dark and without signs of life. A twinge of nerves pinched inside of me that he might come home early. But I brushed it aside; he was the one that had extended the offer. After getting to know him the last two nights, I knew he wouldn’t care.
We walked through his back gate and spent a little time searching for a light.
“All of the switches must be inside,” I told Emma, finally giving up.
“Then I’m getting in! I’m freezing!” She walked to the side and slid in gracefully. I set my towel down on one of Ben’s loungers and walked over to the edge. She popped out of the water and splashed warm water on my legs. “It’s nice in here. Don’t be a baby.”
I dove into the deep end and felt the warm water wrap around my skin. My hair floated around my face and I felt weightless.
I came up for air and then dove under again. I closed my eyes and drank in the absolute darkness. I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t have any kids to worry about for the night. And I had actually had a good time with my sister. We hadn’t spent the night weeping over my loss and the uncertain future. We’d just hung out and enjoyed each other.
Now submerged underwater, I drank in the isolation and let my heart seize with grief once again. It didn’t seem fair that I kept living while Grady didn’t. It didn’t seem possible.
I kept waiting for Grady to come back. I kept waiting for him to walk in the door and wrap me in his arms and promise me that everything would be alright now. I couldn’t let him go.
I didn’t want to let him go.
Letting him go meant acknowledging that he would never come back. And I just couldn’t. I needed him too much.
I loved him too much.
I kicked to the surface once again, desperate for air and escape. I couldn’t sink into those thoughts again. I couldn’t go there now or I would drown in them. The pool water felt especially poignant as I raced away from that dark place.
Emma reclined against the side and stretched out both of her arms to keep her body anchored. I swam in front of her and treaded water to stay afloat.
“This is really nice,” she murmured her approval, tipping her head back and resting it against the patio. “We need to take Ben up on his offer more often.”
“We can just hope he goes on a lot of dates.”
She picked her head up and looked at me. “Does he go on lots of dates?”
“How would I know? I just know he’s on one tonight.”
“Girlfriend?”
“I don’t think so. He said this was only their second.”
“So he’s still technically single?”
“I’m pretty sure.”
“Big house for a single guy.”
I laughed at my sister’s not-so-subtle inquiry. “He’s a lawyer.”
“Oooh, single and stable.I like it.”
“I’m glad he meets your standards.”
“Have you seen him? He could be unemployed and live with his parents and he would meet my standards.”
I splashed her in the face, “Please don’t say that! You two would end up moving in with me and then I would have to take care of six children!”
“Liar.You would love having a live-in babysitter.”
“Okay, that’s true.”
She grinned at me, but it faded some when she said, “You and Grady were poor in the beginning. You were still happy. It’s not about money with me.”
