Oh, how she longed for that.
But she knew any joys that might come with it would be hollow, for they would exist under the long, cold, dark shadow of what she’d been concealing from him.
“Not… since my arrival, Laird Alex, nay,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “However, given the affection between us… our attraction tae each other, our burgeoning relationship, which I hope will define the rest of our years together, by the grace of God… I feel the time has come for me tae reveal something tae you. A thing which my parents were unaware of when they offered me tae you as a bride, and one which I pray you will understand and forgive.”
He laughed rather incredulously. “Well! With an introduction like that, I can only suppose you are about tae confess that you are in fact a witch, and that my father’s malady is a result of your dark spells!”
Isla looked at him mournfully. “This is rather more serious than that, I’m afraid.” She took a deep breath, summoning all of her nerve. “You see, Laird Alex, when I was growing up, I had a friend by the name of Kenneth. We spent a great deal of time together… I sought out his company often, for I longed to be out of the manor and away from my parents as frequently as possible. And as we got older…” She faltered.
His expression had darkened significantly. “You mean to tell me that you fell in love with each other, is that it? That your heart belongs to him?”
“No, no, not in the least!” she assured him earnestly. “We cared for each other deeply as good companions, but there was never any romance between us. My feelings for you in that regard have overwhelmed me! They have consumed me utterly, tae the point where I cannot imagine marrying anyone else and cannot wait for us to be joined in matrimony!”
“Then what must I know of this ‘Kenneth?’” Alex inquired warily.
Isla swallowed hard. This was it. There was no shirking it now, and the next few moments would define the rest of her life.
“There was a day when we were left tae our own devices,” she went on miserably, “and… we became curious, in the ways that many young men and women do, I’d expect. We were stupid, still practically children in many ways, and so we were foolish enough that we saw no harm in… exploring certain things about each other, tae satisfy that curiosity.”
“Lady Isla,” Alex said in a low and ominous tone, “are you trying tae tell me that you are not in possession of your maidenhead? That you will not go to our marriage bed unspoiled?”
“Aye,” she admitted, lowering her head.
Alex stood before her, seething and fuming with a rage she had not seen in him previously. She clung to Lorna’s assurances that he would not become violent—but even so, his fury was so intense that it seemed he might burst into flames at any moment.
“So it was notmy‘boundaries’ that were up for discussion, then,” he growled through gritted teeth.
“No one else knows of it, though. Or anyway, no one except Kenneth, and he will never tell. Therefore, I hope this will not put an end to our betrothal.”
“Oh, isthatwhat you hope for?” he exploded. “How can it possibly be otherwise? How can we possibly be wed, now that I know you are not the woman you claimed to be?”
“I am every bit the woman I have presented myself as!” she retorted defensively. She knew that her best option to quell his anger would be to remain humble and contrite, but she could not help it, some spark of indignation rose swiftly within her. “I had hoped that your affection for me was based upon the person I am, not the trifling mistakes of my youth!”
“How do you dare to dismiss such a grievous dishonor as some minor lapse in judgment?” he demanded. “I am the laird of one of the most powerful clans in all of Scotland! Do you truly expect me to take a wife who has been sullied by another? Who has known the comfort of another man’s warmth and bed?”
“As I’ve said, you will bear no shame from it, nor shall your honor or reputation be besmirched, nor shall anyone ever know of it,” Isla pressed. “As long as our feelings for each other remain true, why should they be threatened by a thing as trivial as this?”
“Because it is nae bloody trivial!” he roared. “Not tae me! Not when I’ll never be able tae enjoy your company again without picturing you with another man!”
“That seems tae me as though it’s a defect in your way of thinking, rather than my behavior!” she shot back. “I beseech you, Laird Alex, do not dismiss the profound connection we’ve shared these past days so hastily as this! Perhaps, if we simply spend a bit more time together, you will find that this needn’t ruin anything!”
“Any more time we spend together will be nothing but a waste,” he answered stubbornly, folding his arms across his broad chest. “It will not change what you have done, nor will it alter my feelings on the matter.”
“But this alliance between our clans is so vital!” she insisted. “Surely you would not destroy it over something such as this?”
“Youare the one whose actions have destroyed it, not I,” he snarled. “My entire life, all I have done is strive for perfection in all things! I have labored tirelessly to earn the trust and respect of my people! I have made great sacrifices, held myself to standards that other men would have found impossible! Do you think I have not been confronted with numerous temptations all throughout my life? Do you believe that lasses from tavern wenches to visiting noblewomen have not done all they could to catch my eye and crawl into my bed? I have never faltered in thatregard, not once! Dinnae act as though what you did with this other man is a trifling offense!So do not presume to blame me for the end of our courtship, for I will not have it!”
And with that, he turned and stormed off… leaving Isla to crumple to the floor of the library, weeping in humiliation and despair.
As he stomped away, Alex felt his anger and disappointment grow with each step. He felt as though there was a tremendous pressure exerting itself from all sides, which would crush and destroy him, his skull smashed in on itself like an egg. He realized that he was having difficulty breathing, and so he stopped in his tracks, willing himself to inhale and exhale until he’d regained some small measure of control over himself.
How could he not have seen such a terrible thing coming? Most women who’d committed the dreadful sin Isla had just confessed to did not present themselves as virginal when courting men such as himself, did they? Was it unreasonable, then, to have assumed that the lass who had seemed so eager to marry him would be unspoiled?
Or perhaps that is the very reason she has been so ready to please me, he mused hotly.Perhaps she has made herself such an attractive and agreeable prospect with the notion that, if she was convincingly desirable enough, I might ignore such a transgression once it was revealed to me.
But how can I?
If word of this got out somehow, it would destroy his credibility in the eyes of all he ruled over. He’d be seen as a pathetic fool who had chosen to settle for another man’s leftovers, instead of providing his people with a strong and virtuous woman to sit by his side.
