“No, of course I didn’t.” He jerks the toy in his hand. “It was this?—”
“That’s it. Don’t underestimate the power of the Dark Side.”
An incredulous laugh bubbles out of me. “Oh my God. It talks?!”
“I knew there was a reason it terrified me.” He holds the thing out like it’s trying to bite him before pressing what looks like a mute button.
“The Force is strong with you.”
I’m shaking with laughter now, watching Patton frantically push the button over and over, only for the wand to buzz louder.
“Who knew Vader’s dirty talk was so on point.” I wheeze.
Patton scowls at me before his dark brows pinch, looking at the tool in his hand. “What the fuck is wrong with this thing?” He hits the power button, but instead of turning off, the toy only gets louder, like it’s feeding off our panic. “How does it turn off?”
“Together, we can rule the galaxy.”
Patton fumbles with the buttons again before twisting Darth Vader’s head like he’s hoping to rip it clean off his body. “Die, you piece of shit!”
“I must obey my master!”
I’m in full-body hysterics, tears leaking down to my temple, as I watch my ex-husband rage at the dildo in his hand before he hurls it to the floor. Darth Vader lands with athudon the carpet, finally going silent.
Still giggling, I try to catch my breath. But one look at Patton’s clenched jaw, and I spiral all over again.
Patton grabs my jaw, turning me to face him, clearly trying to get back some semblance of control. “Fucking Darth Vader is a bigger asshole than I thought.”
Another laugh bubbles up through me, but I try to control it by cupping my ex-husband’s head in my hands and bringing his lips to mine. My lips tremble with laughter, earning me an annoyed groan.
We’re finally back to reclaiming the spark we almost lost, with his fingers rubbing circles over my clit and our tongues dueling in another heated kiss when?—
“You have failed me for the last time.”
“When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I’m the master.”
That’s when I double over once again, wheezing so hard my ribs ache and my shoulders shake.
Patton groans into the pillow. “I think we can safely say this is the end of our Star Wars kink era.”
I’m in stitches, holding my side. “Pretty sure the Force wants nothing to do with us.”
“That’s it.” Patton swings his legs over the side of the bed, his hair mussed and still looking like the beautiful naked Greek god he is. “I’m throwing this asshole into the garbage. He’ll see what the real Dark Side looks like.”
He’s just reaching for the still-vibrating toy when the bedroom door swings open and in lumbers his giant bloodhound, ears swinging like curtains and eyes permanently mournful.
Both Patton and I watch, frozen in place, as Bob pads into the room like a detective on a case.
He’d come bounding toward me last night when Patton and I entered his house, wagging his tail and sniffing every inch of me like he was on duty before Patton snuck us into his room without letting Bob in.
But somehow, the dog figured out how to open his door.
He’s still got my flowery bra in his mouth—the blush-colored one with the soft lace that I looked for so many times after I left Patton’s home in L.A.
Bob takes a quick account of us on the bed before sniffing the toy beneath him. I try not to die of mortification that he can probably smellmeon Darth Vader’s helmet.
“Bob, leave it,” Patton warns, half-rising from his spot.
But it’s too late. Because Bob makes a faster decision in that moment, discarding my bra and picking up the vibrator in his jowls.
