The irony isn’t lost on me that loving Alice might be the thing that threatens my sobriety, and losing my sobriety would mean losing her anyway. I’m caught in a trap where helping her heal could destroy the person she has fallen in love with.Hopefullyhas fallen in love with.
I’ve been pacing in front of her room for ten minutes, and the nurses are giving me strange looks. I didn’t gethere as early as I wanted to—as early as I should have. I don’t even know if she wants to see me.
Dr. Marishka comes around the corner and I nearly bump into her. “Arthur, hi.” She smiles, and I can’t return one with my thoughts waging war inside my brain. “Alice will be happy to see you.” That gets my attention.
“She’s awake?” Fuck. That means she’ll probably be asleep again soon. I should have been in there.
Dr. Marishka clearly senses my anxiety as she steps closer. “She’ll be awake for a little while now. We’ve stopped the morphine as of this morning.” I rub a hand down my face as she continues, “Alice has declined our standard pain-management protocol in favor of non-opioid alternatives. It’s going to be more challenging for her recovery, but she was very clear about her decision.”
I pull in a sharp breath.
What is she talking about?
My shock must be written all over my face because the doctor’s expression softens. “Why don’t you go on in and talk to her?”
“Yeah. Thank you.”
As she walks away, I take three deep breaths before knocking gently on Alice’s door. Her raspy “Come in,” reaches my ears, and I push the door open to see her sitting up. She has color returning to her cheeks, but her eyes are sad and distant until I walk into her line of sight and she looks at me.
My gorgeous girl with her golden eyes is looking at me, not with the pity or disdain I have been expecting and rightfully deserve, but with the same warmth she’s gifted me with since the very first moment we locked eyes.
“Hi,” she whispers. “You came back.” The surprise in her tone breaks my heart.
Did she really think I wouldn’t?
What does it say about me that she’d think that? No, what does it say about the people whoshouldhave been there for her before?
“I only leave this hospital because they make me, tesouro, or I’d never leave you.” Stepping closer to the bed, I tentatively reach for her hand, and she lets me take it. The relief that washes over me is instant.
“Your family came, too.” She looks around at the flowers and cards in the room. She pauses on the stuffed pickle Cece insisted on giving her.
“They did. Beau and Josie, too. Elaina, Charlie, Maeve. Everyone from the ranch.” Even the nurse from her grandmother’s facility asked about her when I went there yesterday to pick up her belongings. I don’t think she realizes how much the people who know her care about her.
“Wow,” she whispers as her eyes fill with tears. “I—I didn’t mean to worry so many people.” Her voice cracks, and so does my heart. She thinks she’s such a burden, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.
“They came because they care about you, Alice.”
She shakes her head, blinking back her tears. She might not believe my words, but the proof of them is all over this room.
“I want to tell you everything. About my past, about my recovery.” I swallow the giant lump in my throat, knowing this could be the beginning of the end for us.
“No, Arthur. You don’t have to, I?—”
“I want to. Ineedto. I need you to know this part of me.” And I do. I need her to know all the parts of me so she can decide for certain if this, me, is what she really wants.
With a nod, she looks down at our joined hands, squeezing a little tighter.
“I didn’t go to college right after high school. I stayedat home to help my parents until my dad begged me to get a degree so I could take over Machado Grove. I was studying business management. I’d moved nearly three hours away to go to one of the best schools that focused on agricultural studies. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, but he did. He wanted it so badly.” I pause as the details of a story I haven’t thought about for a long time come back to me. “My dad started working at that grove when he moved here from Brazil as a seasonal worker. He went back for three years before he got hired on full-time. He worked his way up, learned the business inside and out and lived on the property with my mom. They got married there. That little house is where I spent my first few years, before we moved to the main house when the previous owner decided to retire and sell the grove to my parents. They’d been saving for ages, and it still took my dad nearly twenty years to pay it all off. I’d been told since I was a little kid that one day, the grove would be mine. I thought I could learn to like it, but when I was at school, it was so hard. I hated it. I was older than everyone else, and I felt like such a loser. I was stressed out all the time, feeling this pressure to do something expected of me for so long. It felt like it was too late to tell them I didn’t want to do it.”
I blow out a heavy breath, and Alice’s grip on my hand tightens, her thumb drawing soothing circles on my skin.
“People partied hard at school. Everyone felt a lot of pressure to do well, and most of my classmates came from families who had owned farms for multiple generations. I always said no to drugs because I thought doing shit like cocaine seemed too dangerous. Then one night in my third year there, I was offered a pill. They said it was a prescription medication, so it was safe, just to take the edge off. And it did. Suddenly, everything felt manageable. I started taking them before tests, phone calls with my parents,anything that caused stress. It helped so much. I didn’t feel high, I felt like I could actually do all the shit that felt so hard before. But then my tolerance built up, and I needed more.”
I lower my eyes to our hands, still connected. I can’t stand to watch the disappointment that I’m sure is about to be on Alice’s face. I’m too much of a coward to witness it.
“Six months in, I was starting to miss morning classes because the withdrawal symptoms were so brutal. I couldn’t remember things as easily. My grades dropped from B’s to C’s to D’s. I was on academic probation. I spent the money for textbooks and rent on more pills. Eventually, I spent tuition money, too, until I was kicked out. That’s when my family found out what was happening.
“My parents paid to send me to a rehab not too far away. It was a reputable facility. Expensive. Between my debts and rehab, I nearly bankrupted them. They could have chosen one further away, but they wanted to be close enough to support me. That was what they did. They loved and supported me, and I was such an ungrateful piece of shit. I didn’t stop using after rehab. It wasn’t as bad, and I kept it hidden, so I pushed my family away. It was my lowest low. I didn’t have my family, didn’t have friends, and I hated myself. That’s when Raf introduced me to Owen. Eventually, I met Beau and started going to meetings. I was just starting to consider making amends with my parents when my dad told me he wanted nothing to do with me. I thought they’d all be better off with as little contact as possible from me, so I focused on the ranch and my recovery, and here we are. Now you know everything. Now you have every reason to hate me, to be disgusted by me, because this is who I am and I chose to keep it from you.” I haven’t wanted to cry until this very moment, when therealization that my actions are about to push the woman I love away hits me.
