Her eyes dart around the room as my words sink in and take root. I can practically see the moment the lightbulb turns on and she realizes I’m right, that her leaving would do much more damage than good. I don’t want to guilt her into staying, but she has to see how silly her argument is.
“You’re right,” she whispers. As her eyes meet mine, they’re filled with tears, but she blinks them away. “You’re right,” she repeats with a nod to the floor.
“So stay, Alice. Stay with me, stay at this job, stay in Ojai. Stay here.” Her eyes widen, and for a moment I think she looks scared.
“I can’t leave Ojai at the moment, anyway. And I don’t want to leave anyone high and dry. I also don’t want Luther to be banished from coming here when I’m here, so maybe…” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and I note for the first time that though her hair is hanging straight down her back in a ponytail, this piece is curly. “Maybe we can work on how I handle being around him. I’m obviously not going to stay at your house for long, but we can at least work on being able to be in the same place when we’re here.”
“No.” My immediate response surprises even me, but then my brain catches up with my mouth. “We work on you being able to be around Luther hereandat home. You stop spending all your free time looking for a rental and stay with me. It’s a nightmare finding a place to live around here, and you’re going to wear yourself out trying to do that when you should be focusing on the therapy program. I think you’d agree that’s much more important.” If she hates ultimatums even a tiny bit as much as I do, she’s going to say no. But I’m hoping she’s not quite as stubborn and hard-headed as I am.
“All right.” She puts her hands into her pockets, shocking the shit out of me by agreeing so easily. There’s still hesitation in her body language and tone, but she’s given me a verbal yes, nonetheless.
“All right?” It’s impossible to keep the surprise out of my voice, and I try to recover by clearing my throat. “So we have a deal? No more trying to leave unless it’s for a good reason?” I stretch my hand out to her, and she looks at it for a beat before placing hers in mine. Her grip is strong, but her skin is so soft. I don’t want to let go, so I don’t pull my hand back, but she slips hers away. “We’ll take it slow with Luther. He'll be fine.”
“Yeah. Okay.” She clears her throat when I flip the baseball cap on my head so it’s on backward. “I’m gonna get back to work, then, boss.” She turns away from me quickly, and it takes me a few seconds to recover.
“Not your boss,” I shout at the door, hoping she heard me.
TWELVE
the big ones are just plain awkward to eat with
Alice
“Not your boss.”
His words ring loud and clear as I walk toward the building that houses my office and workspace. I smile to myself, remembering the way his ears were already turning red by the time I turned away from him. I bite my lip thinking of the way he adjusted that baseball cap he loves to wear backward when he’s working and forward when he’s riding. My satisfaction doesn’t go unnoticed. Paige, Sam, and Corey are all watching with brows raised and knowing looks.
Son of a biscuit.
By the timefive o’clock rolls around, I haven’t seen Arthur because I’ve hidden in my officeall day. I know we were supposed to meet today, but after he so accurately called me out earlier, I couldn’t face him, so I pretended to have some calls to make and needed to reschedule.
I knew I’d made the right decision when Paige came to have lunch with me and asked about the “sexual tension that was most definitely tensioning” between Arthur and me. Shutting it down as quickly as possible, and hiding the way my face heated at her comment, I let her words fuel my determination not to let myself get too close to him.
Now, rather than going back to the farmhouse, I opt for a grocery run. I can’t keep living off snacks and Gran’s leftovers at the care facility. Plus, I’m not going over there today. The nurses asked me to take a break since she’s been so upset lately, but they promised to call if she happens to be having a better-than-usual evening.
I don’t know how to feel about it. Relieved? Guilty? Numb? I think I’m all of them. It’s exhausting.
The people looking after her are so lovely, but they don’t know what kind of caregiver my grandmother was. They don’t know that resentment was so thick in the air of her house, it was suffocating. Or how she blamed me for my mother’s death.
No one does. Because what kind of person would I be if I seemed ungrateful for my grandmother taking me in when I was left with no parents at the age of twelve? No better than her, that’s for sure.
So I walk around the grocery store like I have nowhere else to be, because tonight, I don’t. I keep my budget tight, opting for bananas, peanut butter, potatoes, chicken, bread, butter, an onion, and some garlic. At the last minute, I splurge on eggs. Despite knowing exactly how much is in my bank account, I breathe a sigh of relief when the cashier hands me a receipt and sends me on my way. Gran’s care facility drained me of nearly every dollarI had to my name. And the moment my paycheck lands in my account, it’s essentially spoken for, between the facility, student loan payments, rent that I will insist on giving to Arthur, and all the other bills regular people have. It’s all meticulously listed on a spreadsheet I look at no less than twice a week as if it’s my lifeline, which sometimes it sort of is.
I text Arthur to let him know I’ll be arriving at the house shortly. Owen had already given me his phone number, so I decide to finally use it.
Hi. I’ll be there shortly. Giving you a heads up in case you’re outside with Luther again.
ARTHUR:
Who is this?
Kidding.
No worries. Lu’s in the dog run, so he might hear you coming, but he can’t get to you. Is that okay?
His attempt at a joke has me rolling my eyes with a silly smile, and thekiddinghas me picturing him scrambling to send that in case I did think I had the wrong number. Even the fact that he shortened the dog’s name makes me smile.
Of course. See you soon.
