When we left the office, Toni held my hand the whole walk to the car. She kept lookin’ at me like she was proud of me, and that look alone made somethin’ warm settle in my heart.
We drove to the pharmacy. I ain’t say much, and she didn’t force me to.
When the pharmacist handed me the bag with the prescription in it, Toni smiled at me like it was the first step toward breathin’ again.
“Baby,” she said as she buckled her seatbelt, “you ain’t crazy. You just finally got help for somethin’ you been carryin’ too long.”
I looked at her, then at the bottle, then back at her again. I shook my head a lil’ and tried to lighten it.
“Shit,” I said, “I might be crazy, but I’m crazier for you.”
She laughed, leaned across the console, and kissed me slow.
“Then take the damn pill so you can stay here with me,” she whispered against my lips.
I held the bottle in my hand, feelin’ the weight of it, and feelin’ the weight of everything we been through this pastmonth, and for the first time in my life, I ain’t feel alone in my mind.
I had her…
And maybe, for the first time, I had a real chance at bein’ okay.
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
Later that evenin’ I slid over to Pressure’s crib feelin’ a way I ain’t felt in a long time. My head wasn’t heavy, my chest wasn’t tight and my thoughts wasn’t racin’ in ten different directions like they usually did. It was like all the noise that used to crowd up my mind had finally quieted down, and even though I wasn’t fully used to that silence yet, the shit felt good. Shit felt strange, but it felt good.
I pulled through the gate and drove around the big circular driveway, lookin’ at all the lights glowin’ across the mansion like always, and for the first time in weeks I ain’t feel dread creepin’ up in my stomach. I ain’t feel like somethin’ bad was waitin’ for me at every corner. I ain’t feel the weight I had been carryin’ around since I was a kid. Toni told me the medicine might take a lil’ minute to settle, but I took my first pill earlier and by the time I hit the steps, it was like I could breathe for real.
Pressure must’ve seen my car on the cameras, ‘cause the front door was already cracked open by the time I reached it. I walked in and went down the hall to the game room. They had the music, cards on the table, and smoke cloudin’ the space up real chilled. Renza was talkin’ loud like always, his laughbouncin’ off the walls while he slapped a card down and pointed at Pressure like he was cheatin’. Pressure was sittin’ back in his chair with a blunt hangin’ from his lips, lookin’ annoyed but cool at the same time.
“Took yo’ ass long enough,” Renza said when I stepped in.
Pressure nodded. “Nigga we been waitin’ on you to come get yo’ ass whooped.”
I walked over and grabbed some papers, rolled up real quick, then slid into the seat next to them. “Ain’t nobody beatin’ me in this shit,” I said as I lit up and inhaled. “Y’all know that.”
We dealt the next hand and from the jump I was on they heads. Every book I called landed just how I said it would. Every time they tried to figure out what I was holdin’, I made the exact opposite move and scooped another book off the table.
Renza squinted at me after the third round. “Aye, what the fuck you got goin’ on tonight, nigga? Nigga you runnin’ through these cards like you Miss Cleo.”
Pressure leaned back and stared at me. “For real, ‘Lo. You on somethin’? You movin’ different.”
I smirked but kept playin’ my hand cool. “Ain’t shit different about me.”
“Lie again,” Renza said. “Nigga you playin’ like you ain’t been trash since forever.”
“Shut yo’ dumbass up,” I said, laughin’ for real this time ‘cause he goofy as hell.
We kept playin’ until I couldn’t hold it in no more. It felt weird keepin’ it to myself anyway, and I trusted these two more than anybody. I dropped another book on the table and cleared my throat.
“A’ight,” I said, “since y’all keep askin’, I’mma tell you…”
Pressure raised an eyebrow. “Tell us what?”
I put my cards down slow. “I been goin’ to therapy this whole month.”
Renza’s eyes got big. “Bout goddamn time.”
Pressure blinked like he ain’t hear me right. “Since when?”
