My eyes filled again and the tears ran straight down my face, droppin’ on the bag as my fingers trembled around it. I knew I couldn’t ignore him. I knew I couldn’t pretend I didn’t hear that crack in his voice.
But I also knew that if I walked down those steps right now, I would never leave this house.
I wasn’t sure if lovin’ him meant stayin’…
or if lovin’ him meant walkin’ away until he chose to save himself.
I stood in the doorway with the bag in my hand, listenin’ to him break in the room below me, and for the first time since I met Kay’Lo…
I realized that love don’t always save you.
Sometimes it hurts you right along with the person you tryna save… and that truth cut through me so deep that I could barely breathe.
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Hours later…
I was preparin’ myself to leave Kay’Lo but the truth was, I ain’t really have the strength to walk out that door, but I kept tellin’ myself I did. I kept packin’ and unpackin’ the same lil’ damn overnight bag like I was about to do somethin’ when deep down I knew I was only movin’ clothes around ‘cause my nerves was shot and my heart felt like it was bein’ pulled in two different directions. I loved that man in a way that didn’t make no sense. I loved him in a way that made me feel stupid and scared and tied to him in my soul, yet I also felt like he was draggin’ me through shit I wasn’t raised to survive. I kept hearin’ this voice in the back of my head sayin’ I deserved peace, yet here I was standin’ in thehallway with this fuckin’ bag in my hand wonderin’ how I was supposed to walk away from the only man who ever fought for me like his life depended on it.
The mansion was a mess behind me. Kay’Lo had knocked over lamps and kicked over chairs and flipped a table ‘cause he spiraled faster than my words could reach him. The noise had filled every room and my body felt shaky from tryin’ to calm him, yet he was the one fallin’ apart on the inside like he was trapped in his own head. He paced until his energy turned into somethin’ wild and uncontrollable, then the meltdown hit him hard enough to make his knees give out near the couch. I kept tellin’ him to breathe and come back to me but he was too far gone to hear anything.
He was sittin’ on the floor now with his back against the wall, sweat glistenin’ across his forehead, his chest movin’ in these uneven pulls like everything inside him was fightin’ against him at the same time. His eyes was red and glossy and unfocused, like he was lookin’ at the room but not seein’ anything in it. His hands was pressed to his head like he was tryna hold himself together, and every time he whispered my name it sounded like a man who already lost me.
“Toni, please,” he said, barely gettin’ the words out. His voice broke in a way that had nothin’ to do with weakness and everything to do with him bein’ overwhelmed inside his mind. “Baby please don’t leave me like this. I can’t handle you walkin’ out that door.”
I held onto the bag tighter even though my hands felt too heavy to move. Every part of me wanted to go to him, but another part of me felt like if I didn’t leave tonight then I would never leave at all. I kept thinkin’ about the people who warned me that Kay’Lo was too much. They said he was unpredictable and possessive and protective in ways that didn’t always feel safe. Yet they ain’t know him the way I did. They ain’t see thegood parts that came before the storms. They ain’t see the way he loved me, or the way he held me in the middle of the night like I was the only thing that kept him calm. They ain’t see the way he melted into me whenever I touched him, or the way he looked at me like his whole world existed in my eyes.
“You tearin’ the house apart, ‘Lo,” I whispered as my chest started to ache. “I can’t keep walkin’ around scared of what mood you gon’ be in. I can’t keep worryin’ about if you gon’ explode or shut down. I’m a person too and I’m tired.”
He shook his head, but his eyes softened like he heard somethin’ inside my voice he couldn’t ignore. He pushed himself forward and dropped to his knees before he even reached me. For a second I thought he was tryna stand, but he slid across the floor on his knees until his arms wrapped around my legs. His face pressed into my stomach like he was tryna breathe me in. He held on tight enough for me to feel his desperation through his fingertips.
“Baby please,” he whispered again. “Don’t go. You the only thing that keep me sane. I know I act wild but I’m tryin’. I swear I’m tryin’. I just need you here.”
His voice cracked again and my knees felt weak. I dropped the bag without even thinkin’ about it and my hands found the top of his head before I could stop myself. His skin was warm and his body felt tense, yet he leaned into me like he needed my touch to breathe. I let my fingers run across his scalp, then down the back of his neck, and I felt his entire body shake against me. Tears slid down my face before I even realized I was cryin’.
“You can’t keep doin’ this to us,” I said as my voice shakin’. “I love you but I’m drownin’ in your chaos. Every time you have one of these moments it feels like the ground is movin’ under me. I can’t fix this on my own. I can’t pull you back from every meltdown if you not even tryna help yourself.”
Kay’Lo wrapped his arms around my waist like he was terrified I would slip away. His hands clutched at my hips. His head rested against me, and his body shook in these deep, heavy waves that made my heart break ‘cause I had never seen him like this before. He looked up at me with eyes that was filled with fear and guilt and love all tangled together.
“I can get better,” he said. “I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll do the medicine. I’ll talk to whoever you want me to talk to. I can’t lose you. I can’t live without you, Toni. You gotta stay. Baby… please stay.”
His voice had this rawness in it that pulled me straight to the floor with him. My legs couldn’t hold me anymore so I sank down and let him pull me into his arms. He held me so tight that our bodies felt like they was part of the same fight. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him through my tears. It wasn’t a passionate kiss. It was a heartbreakin’ one. It was a kiss full of all the shit we hadn’t said and all the fears we was finally facin’.
“Kay’Lo, listen to me,” I whispered while my forehead rested against his. “I need you to get real help. I need you to take medicine and let somebody teach you how to control this. You can’t keep apologizin’ then fallin’ apart again. This is bigger than us now. This is your mind and your body doin’ shit you can’t control and I can’t keep pullin’ you out of it alone. I’ll stay if you fight for yourself the way you fight for me. I’ll stay if you get help.”
His fingers slid across my cheeks as he held my face between his palms. His tears mixed with mine and he kissed me like he was scared I would vanish if he let go. His shoulders dropped like my words broke somethin’ open inside him. He pulled me into his lap and buried his face in my neck. His arms wrapped around me like he had found the one place in this world where he felt safe enough to fall apart.
“You got me,” he whispered. “If medicine is what you need from me, then fuck it, I’ll take it. If help is what you want, I’ll get it. I don’t wanna lose you over some shit I can fix. Just don’t leave me. I’m beggin’ you, baby. Don’t walk out that door.”
I kissed the side of his face then his mouth. I let my hands slide down his back until his breathin’ started to come down little by little, and I stayed pressed against him ‘cause I understood him in ways nobody else could. His love wasn’t perfect but it was deep and raw and tied to wounds he ain’t know how to name yet. I held him ‘cause I loved him too much to leave.
“I’m not leavin’,” I whispered against his lips. “But you gotta do your part, baby. I can’t be the only one holdin’ us together. I need you to help me help you.”
He nodded into my shoulder. He held me tighter. He breathed me in like he finally felt grounded again. And for the first time since the meltdown started, I felt like we could breathe together without the world fallin’ apart beneath us.
“Then I’ll do it,” he said. “Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it. Just don’t go.”
I closed my eyes and let the truth settle in my chest. I wasn’t walkin’ away. I loved this man too much to leave him in this state. I loved him too much to give up right when he was tryna reach for help. So I wrapped my arms around him and let him fall into me because we was in this together, even if it meant fightin’ harder than we ever had before.
