I swallowed slow ‘cause even hearin’ that from her felt heavy. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”
Before she could reply, I heard the bedroom door open. Kay’Lo walked in like nothin’ was wrong, holdin’ a cup of liquor and movin’ slow like the night ain’t blow up ‘cause of him. He had on some jeans and that black button down he wore earlier, the one he kept all the way open, showin’ the tattoos across his chest and stomach. His chain glistened when he moved and the sight of him just frustrated me even more ‘cause he really walked around like he couldn’t do no wrong.
He set his cup on the dresser, took off his earrings and watch like it was any normal night in our house. I rolled my eyes so hard they damn near got stuck.
“Let me call you back,” I told Sha’Nelle.
“Okay, bitch,” she said.
I hung up and slid the phone beside me. Kay’Lo still hadn’t said a word and the silence made the room feel tight. I got up from the bed, ready to walk clean out the muthafucka ‘cause I ain’t wanna breathe the same air as him right now. I made it two steps before he grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him like I belonged right there against his chest.
“Kay’Lo let me go,” I said sharply.
He didn’t. He kept me close and leaned in like he was about to kiss me, but I turned my head away and pushed at his chest. “I said stop!”
He froze ‘cause he knew what that tone meant. He knew what my boundaries was and even with his ass bein’ unhinged, he wasn’t gon’ cross that line with me. He let out a tired breath and stood still.
“What’s the problem now?” he asked like he genuinely didn’t understand why I was upset.
I stared at him with disbelief spread through my whole body. “What’s the problem? You pulled a whole fuckin’ gun out on Blaqson, Kay’Lo. Are you serious right now?”
He shrugged. “He shouldn’t been talkin’ to you.”
“I’m the one that started talkin’ to him,” I shot back.
“He should’ve ignored you.”
I scoffed and shook my head. “You sound crazy as hell right now.”
His eyes sharpened quick. “Oh, so I’m crazy to you. That’s what that is? You gon’ leave me ‘cause I’m crazy?”
His voice dropped low. It wasn’t loud or aggressive, but just wounded and dangerous at the same time, and that was the part that scared me more than anything he ever did.
“You know what?” I said. “I can’t stay in this house with you tonight. I need space ‘cause you don’t listen to shit and you don’t think nothin’ you do is wrong. I’ve been tryna love you and all you do is make me feel like I’m carryin’ you on my back while you drag me through hell.”
I saw his jaw flex, his eyes flicker, and that pain he tried to hide slipped through for a second.
“I don’t wanna sleep alone.”
“I don’t care what you want!” I snapped. “You don’t get to hurt everybody around you just ‘cause you don’t wanna open yo’ fuckin’ mouth and be honest about what you goin’ through. You self-sabotaging, Kay’Lo. You pushin’ me away and you too messed up in the head to see it.”
He stared at me like the words was bruisin’ his ribs. His breathin’ slowed, and his shoulders dropped just a lil’. I could see it hit him but I didn’t back down.
“You think I’m stayin’ in this bed with you after all that? No,” I said. “I’m not. I’m not about to lose myself. I spent too long puttin’ myself back together to let you break me.”
I walked out the room before I changed my mind.
The mansion felt huge when I stepped into the hallway. Every door felt too close and too far at the same time. I picked the room that was furthest from ours. It was fully furnished with a big soft bed and a window that overlooked the water, but it felt cold when I stepped inside. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it with my whole body tremblin’ ‘cause everything I had been holdin’ together all week finally snapped.
I climbed into the bed and curled up against the blankets, and the second I pulled my knees up, the tears came hard. I wasn’t cute cryin’. I wasn’t quiet cryin’. I cried like a damn baby. I cried like a woman who had been stretchin’ herself thin for months just to make sure her man didn’t fall apart, only to realize she been fallin’ apart right with him.
My chest hurt. My eyes burned. My nose got stuffy, and for the first time since I got with Kay’Lo, I felt scared that maybe marryin’ him was a mistake. It wasn’t ‘cause I didn’t love him but ‘cause I was startin’ to feel myself disappear inside his chaos. I survived too much as a lil’ girl to let a grown man drown me now, even if he was my husband.
I pressed my face into the pillow and cried harder ‘cause I didn’t want to give up on him. I didn’t want him to be alone. I hated the thought of him sittin’ in that room hurt and confused, but I hated even more that he didn’t understand how to love without destroying everything around him.
I cried until my eyes swelled and my throat hurt, and somewhere across the mansion, I knew Kay’Lo was sittin’ in our room with a drink in his hand, hurt in his chest, and his whole world shiftin’ ‘cause for the first time ever, I wasn’t runnin’ back to him.
Tonight, he had to sit with himself, and tonight, I cried for the both of us.
