His voice wasn’t angry. It was cold. It was the voice of a man who didn’t know how to talk without defendin’ himself first.
My eyes burned, but I wasn’t about to let no tears fall in front of him. “You think I’m steppin’ to you?” I asked. “I’m talkin’ to you, pops. That’s it. I’m tryna tell you I’m not okay, and you actin’ like I’m speakin’ another language.”
“You are fine,” he shot back. “You letting that girl get in your head. Since when you talk like this? Since when you fall apart over nothing?”
That tore somethin’ open in me so fast I couldn’t mask it. A hot ass tear slid right out before I could stop it, and I blinked hard, suckin’ it back as much as I could.
My mama covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes fillin’ with pain ‘cause she knew exactly what that tear meant.
I looked away from my pop’s first ‘cause I couldn’t hold his stare no more. He thought he was lookin’ at a man challengin’ him. He had no idea he was lookin’ at his son beggin’ him for help without knowin’ how to say the words.
“Mama,” I said softly, my voice raw.
She reached for me, but I stepped back just enough so she couldn’t grab me, ‘cause if she touched me I knew I would break completely.
“I love you,” I told her, and I meant it with everything in me. “But I can’t do this shit.”
I turned and walked out, feelin’ her heartbreak follow me even though her feet didn’t move. I walked through the foyer, through the front door, down the steps, and back to my car like the ground was pullin’ me toward it.
Soon as I got in, I slammed the door shut and peeled off, the tires screechin’ against the stone driveway while my chest felt like it was cavin’ in.
I wasn’t just drivin’. I was fuckin’ spiralin’.
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Later that night…
I still had that shit from earlier with my folks on my mind but I wasn’t tryna sit around and think about it, so I came outside with my niggas to play spades and drink. The sun was long gone, the pool lights was glowin’ blue against the water, and music was floatin’ through the speakers, somethin’ smooth mixed with a lil’ old school that Renza kept hypin’ up like he was the DJ of the damn century.
Pressure was leaned back in his chair with a glass in his hand, his legs stretched out like he ain’t have a care in the world, while Renza talked shit every single time he threw a card down. That nigga always swore he was unbeatable at spades even though he lost half the damn time. Blaqson kept runnin’ in and out the house for drinks, ice, snacks, and whatever the hell he said he needed.
I was playin’ the game with them, holdin’ my cards, throwin’ down when I needed to, smokin’ when I felt like it, but my mind wasn’t sittin’ in the same place my body was. Everything felt far away. I could hear them laughin’, I could hear the music, I could even hear the waves behind the mansion, but it all felt like it wasn’t touchin’ me.
Pressure kept glancin’ over at me, not in a nosy way, just in that cousin way he do when he know you ain’t all the waypresent. But he ain’t say shit ‘cause he knew I wasn’t the type to open up unless I want to.
Renza slapped a card down so loud the damn table shook. “Cut that shit, boy! Cut that shit! I’m on yo’ ass tonight!”
Pressure laughed and leaned back even more. “You talk more than you play, Renza. Relax yo’self, nigga.”
“Relax what? I’m winnin’, nigga!” Renza hollered.
I cracked a small smile but it wasn’t reachin’ all the way. I tossed a card down and lit another blunt, inhalin’ slow and tryna calm my nerves. My head felt tight, but not in a painful way. It was in that way where everything was stackin’ up inside me. I kept thinkin’ about my pops, about the way he looked at me earlier and about how everything I said got brushed off like it wasn’t shit.
I ain’t wanna think about that shit though, so I smoked again.
Blaqson came back outside with a cup full of ice. “Aye, y’all niggas want somethin’ to drink? Toni makin’ somethin’ in there. She funny as hell, boy.”
Pressure chuckled. “Toni be havin’ jokes for days.”
I don’t know why that rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was the way he said it. Maybe it was the day I had. Maybe it was the fact that nigga been runnin’ in and out my fuckin’ house all night and every time he came back, he had somethin’ from the kitchen.
I ignored the feelin’ and kept playin’. But the longer I sat there, the more irritated I felt.
After a few more rounds of cards, I stood up. “I’m gon’ run inside real quick.”
Pressure nodded without askin’ why. Renza kept talkin’ shit to himself like he was practicin’ for a championship.
As soon as I stepped inside, the smell of food floated through the air. The lights in the kitchen was warm, the counters clean like always, and I heard Toni laughin’. It wasn’t just a smalllaugh either. It was one of them cute lil’ playful ones she do when she comfortable and talkin’ shit.
