“Cute,” I whispered to River.
“We are…cuter.” He joked, he was getting good at those lately.
The church hushed after that and a priest made his way up to the podium and spoke on a few Bible verses that moved the congregation. The next person who went up to speak was Jace’s father.
“One of the toughest things I've ever had to do was stand in front of you today to bid our son Jace farewell. I shall make an effort to put into words the sadness and loss I am experiencing. Jace was a great, kind boy. He was calm and collected even as a baby, and as he developed into a young lad, he always handled things well. I recall how anxious I was on his first day of school compared to how anxious he was. Jace calmly turned to me and stated, "This is going to be great, Daddy," as I took his little hand and walked to the gate expecting him to start crying. “Will there be a large number of kids here that I can play with?” He asked me and I assured him that it was certain that there would be. That there would always be people around him, because he was simply just the kind of person who was destined to never be alone.”
Then after that, his mother attempted to speak but broke down into tears halfway through, and my heart wrenched for her. No mother deserves to outlive their own child. It is an aberration.
And then it was Fabian’s turn to speak, and I sat up straight to hear what he had to say.
“Dear Jace, for a long time, losing you never quite felt real. I repeatedly told myself that perhaps you’d just moved away to Italy and told no one about your plans, just like you always dreamed of. That you weren’t six feet underground you were just playing chess on a beach somewhere in Venice, that you weren’t withering away you were just painting on a balcony in Rome. Your absence has left a gaping hole not only in my heart, but in everyone else’s. Your loss was felt deeply, experienced in magnitudes.” Fabian spoke, his voice trembling from crying, his tears falling on the paper he read from. “Jace, I want you to know that I’m sorry. For everything that I did and most importantly for everything that I did not. I wish that I could go back in time and fix things, I wish I could’ve been a better friend to you. I know…I know I’m a bad person and I fucked everything up and it’s all my fault and—”
“Hey, that’s enough. Come here it’s okay.” Keomi interrupted running up to the podium and leading him away. “Sorry everyone, it’s very overwhelming for him.”
The crowd cooed and watched as they went back to their seats, Keomi holding him close as he sobbed uncontrollably. Genevièveshook her head slowly in pity.
The last person to speak, was the last person that should. I watched as River’s hands stared at the paper in his hands next to me, then scrunched it up and discarded it.
“Are you ready?” I asked him.
“Yes, love.” He nodded, “I’m ready.”
He then walked up to the podium, lifting the microphone to meet his height. He held his head high, he was not afraid, he was the furthest thing from it.
“Hi.” He said into the microphone, speaking in English, which was a lot for him and I was happy he had the will to do so. So that everyone in the room could understand him, I could tell that today was different.
Today was the day that River Kennedy would be heard.
“I had planned this speech through, many times in my mind, reversing it over and over so that it would be perfect. But it was disingenuous and scripted, and I am a lot of things but I am nothing of the sort. I was prepared to get up here and wax poetic about how much you will be missed and how shattered I was when you passed.” He spoke and then looked to me, almost as if in need of encouragement so I pressed two fingers to my lips, then to my heart, nodded silently and mouthedyou can do this.
“But that is not the case anymore. Jace Claude Monet, I loved you, and I am certain that Ireallyloved you. In secret, for a very long time, you were my first love, the first time I looked at a person and saw an eternity beside them. Losing you was like losing keys in the backseat of a car, like parting away with fragments of my mind, you melted away like snow in the summer sun, slowly, and then all at once. I have chosen not to grieve you any longer, but to celebrate your life— like you would’ve wanted. Because at the end of the day, as Richard Russo once quoted; one’s life is like a river, eventually it goes where it must. And I may not know where you are now, but I know that it is someplace both near and yet far away, someplace fitting for a soul like yours, a place that is good.” He spoke and I noticed that many cried at his words, Genevièvewas sobbing beside me and then I realized why.
River had just admitted that he was in love with Jace, right here in front of everyone.
Afterwards, I made my way over to him and I wrapped my arms around him tightly.
“Did I do well?” He asked me.
“I'm so proud of you, your words were beautiful.” I assured him, “I love you.”
“You did well today, Kennedy.” Genevièveapproached us giving him a side hug, as Merilla came around too, she was tear-eyed.
“We’re so proud, so happy you have no idea,” Merilla affirmed and I could’ve sworn this was the closest I’d ever seen my friends since.
“Thank you.” River smiled and so did everyone else, it was almost like bright roses had bloomed in the middle of a barren field, bringing hope where there was none.
Just then River turned to look at Fabian and Keomi who were standing by a portrait of Jace, still teary-eyed and seeming miserable.
“They seem distraught,” Merilla commented.
“I'm going to talk to them,” River told me, slipping away from my grasp.
I watched as River made his way up to the two, and said something to Keomi that made her burst into tears, he reached out and hugged her as she cried. I placed a hand over my heart, and then watched as he did the same with Fabian, embracing him.
After that we all knew it was our queue to join them, we all lit a candle and stood around the portrait of Jace, with bright brown eyes, a charming smile and a presence that encapsulated us. A memory that would never truly die.
I knew that in this moment we were not just saying goodbye to Jace, but we were burying the parts of ourselves that plagued us always. Genevièveher stubborn walls, Merilla her passiveness, Keomi her love for what did not love her in return, Fabian his cowardice, River his constant disposition to hiding in plain sight and lastly myself. My constant need to please, my need for validation, be it academic or anything else.
