“No, you are far too precious to carry all that anger inside of you. Anger that you’re adopting vicariously through me, it’s not yours my love. And I know you, I know that you have such a good heart, your natural instinct is to empathise and I love that about you. But I cannot allow you to hurt for me any longer.” He explained to me holding my hands in his. “I do not carry any more anger with me, and you shouldn’t either.”
“A-Are you not upset with me, with Fabian…with Keomi?” I asked him with a sniffle and he shook his head no in refusal.
“No.” He assured me, “No I’m not.”
“So you don’t hate them?”
“I am disappointed, but not angry, nor do I feel any hatred towards them. There are no saints in this story, Armani, as much as Jace was loved I realize now that he was not all perfect. He did and said cruel things too, just like all of us. The pressure that this academy puts on its students, we’re bound to crack sometimes.” He sighed, “I have made peace with the fact that I will never know what happened in that car that day, whether Jace drove it off the road on purpose out of fear, or if it really was all an accident. I refuse to drive myself off too hyper-fixating on it, I burned the paintings, and I said goodbye. I have let go.”
His expression was calm, as I placed my hand on his cheek and then stroked his hair. “You have, haven’t you?”
“Yes I have, and I need you to do so as well.” He asked of me, “Let go, my love, let go of what could’ve been. In all aspects of who you are, because I’m right here with you in the present and I promise that it’s…it’s beautiful here too.” He hushed and I nodded.
“Live in the present, you’re right.” I agreed. “But I have to ask, is there anything I can do to make you feel better, anything at all?”
“Well.” River thought, pausing. “Tu peux me faire un câlin.”
You can give me a hug.
“Come here.” I smiled, pulling him closer to me, as he buried his face into my neck. “I know it’s hard baby.”
“I’m okay.” He spoke with a shaky voice, and he thought I didn’t notice but I felt a warm tear fall into my shoulder, then another, and another.
“You’re okay.” I agreed with him, as he sniffled. “We’ve got this.”
We watched in the distance as the fireworks then set off, the colours were an array of light and hues of blues and green. An explosion of truth and a promise of what was to come, I didn’t know at the time exactly what that would be but I was certain that I would be present for it and that it would be different, that it would be beautiful.
A month later, Jace’s memorial, January 2010
I looked at myself in the mirror, my itchy new black dress was bought just for the occasion. I tied my hair up into a bun and laid my edges neatly, classes would reopen within the next week as the winter holidays came to an end.
Jace’s memorial was being held at a local Catholic Church a long drive away from Paris, and everyone was going to be attending. Jace had a lot of friends, a lot of people who loved him yet…knew very little about his life. The church was old but beautiful, with vines that crept up the walls and an evergreen courtyard that stretched out for miles. River wore a plain black suit, and we knew we weren’t going to stay long here.
We made our way hand in hand into the church, and River stopped in his tracks at the entrance. “What is it?” I asked him.
“It’s just…that I haven’t been here in a very long time.” He told me, “It feels different.”
“We don’t have to stay if you don’t want to?” I reminded him.
“No, it’s okay, I want to.” He assured me, grabbing hold of my hand and I smiled leading him inside with me.
We sat down in the front row beside Genevièveand Merilla, with Fabian and Keomi seated far away from everyone else in the corner of the third row, looking down as if in shame, I couldn’t help but feel bad for them.
I looked at Gene and she smiled at me, tucking a strand of her strawberry-blonde hair behind her ear.
“I may not have realised it before.” She spoke in whispers, “But you and River, you’re almost eerily perfect for each other.”
“You think so?” I answered with a slight laugh.
“I know so.” She nodded, “You’re going to paint a very beautiful life together, I just know it.”
“Thank You, Geneviève.” I smiled, placing my hand over hers, “I mean it.”
“She’s right.” Merilla mused with a wink, just as Muleya sat down beside her kissing her cheek.
“Sorry, I’m late.” He apologized.
“You’re right on time, thank you for being there for me today. It means a lot.” She thanked him.
